Celeste & Jesse Forever

1

Oh, sh*t, it's work.

Wait, turn it down. Turn it down.

Hello?

Shh. Jesse.

What?

I have to give a sound bite for

the L.A. Times, so no noise for a minute.

I might actually gel a call too,

so if it's noisy, I'll be on a call.

Okay. Ready? Ahem.

All right. This year, all trends

will head toward simplicity and comfort.

Things like Roku, Vudu,

cookbooks and casual wear

will see a spike in the market.

Can I have a drag?

Yeah.

That's perfect. Thanks.

What'd you do'?

Seriously, can you not sit still

for like two minutes?

We talked about this.

No more smoking.

Hey, Disney Hall.

Yeah. I'm not doing it.

Not doing what?

I am not doing that.

- It's just a building.

- It's not trending. Ow!

Ow! Wanna go titty for titty? My arms

are longer. My b*obs are smaller.

Focus on driving.

I am focused on dri-- Ow!

Great.

Jess, that place is amazing.

I'm on a really important call.

- on, okay.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you for calling.

Is that about the job?

Awesome. Thank you so much, man.

Thank you, yeah. Talk soon.

Okay, bye.

Was that about the magazine job?

No. But, Celeste,

a swell came in last night.

Northwest.

Apparently, it is overhead

and it is glassy.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Malibu.

The waves are crushing right now.

Are you talking about surfing?

Yeah. Why are you not more excited?

I'm so psyched.

I just thought that was about that job.

The illustration job.

Right. They haven't called me back.

I'm not dying to work there.

Doesn't seem

like you're dying to work at all.

I'm putting together a show.

You know it takes time.

I know.

Okay. Can I drop you off at home now?

I just missed a wave.

At some point, I feel--

Missed another.

All right.

Two more just went by.

Okay.

I could be on those.

Take me home.

Be back by 6 so you can shower'?

Why shower?

Beth and Tucker, dinner.

Right. Yep.

Have fun shredding your glassy peel.

Oh, so wrong.

Love you.

Love you.

Thank you.

Did you guys end up

seeing that band last week?

Oh, yeah. F*** Your Mom?

They were for reals, dude.

Yeah.

Get them as your wedding band.

They're loud but probably pretty cheap.

Or the band that opened,

Please Us, Christ. They were good.

They shredded.

It's done. I told you.

We got the greatest swing band.

Sugarfoot and the Swingin' Scrod.

We actually didn't.

We talked about this.

Swing is so late '90s.

We're not gonna do that.

We're not doing it. We're not...

I'm gonna eat your face, I love you so much.

We'll talk about it later.

And so now we turn to the menu.

Yes, I think the best

idea is to get enchiladas and tacos,

and then we split the two, ja?

This is a clinical choice,

but I must object to your strategy

for I wish to enjoy the tacos alone.

No, but that is not fair.

As long as I can have some bites, ja?

But we know about your bites, don't we?

No.

You take one and then you take many.

Ja, this is true.

Ja, you do.

This is true.

We can't do this anymore.

on, God. on.

Honey, weddings are so stressful,

but I promise you, we know.

- You guys will be fine.

- Just fine.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we are fine.

No, we're good.

What the f*** are you two doing?

What do you mean?

Yeah.

What do I mean?

You two are not together.

It's not normal, okay?

You guys have been separated

for six months.

You're getting divorced, all right?

And you spend every day together

hanging out as if, like, it's no big deal.

Guess what. It's f***ing weird.

I don't think this is--

Tell them what you think.

Let's not play charades. It's weird.

There's no charades being played here.

No charades.

No charading.

No.

We are separated, and we're friends.

You guys should be happy.

We fought all the time.

We don't anymore.

You don't have to choose sides.

It's the perfect breakup.

Yeah, everyone's cool.

Everyone is not cool.

Not cool.

No one is cool here.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

Baby.

Beth.

JESSE:

Beth is so angry.

Ja, she is fiber angry.

This is too weird.

Hey, C.

Hmm?

Can you help me with something?

What?

Oh...

Don't wanna pressure you

into anything

but this gentleman is awfully lonely

and just--

Here, I'll show you how it works. Just-

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, he likes that.

Wait, be quiet. My roommate's next door.

Don't make any sound.

All right. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh! Oh!

Dude.

That was a big one.

Yeah.

Beth and Tucker are crazy.

Crazy.

Right?

Yes.

I mean, it is not weird

that we hang out all the time.

Do you think it's weird?

No. You're my best friend.

Yeah. You're my best friend too.

Last time we didn't speak

for more than a week was in 10th grade

when you went

to Space Camp Canada.

That was a brutal five weeks.

Mm.

The antigravity training was crazy,

though.

But I missed you.

Me too. Heh.

Uh-oh.

Look who's back.

His recovery time is insane.

Oh, no.

He's a college boy

and he's ready to rock.

Here we go. Oh!

Ugh. I'm exhausted.

Yeah, me too.

Dessert was good, right?

Oh, so good.

Night.

Night.

Hey, it's kind of chilly tonight.

How's your heat in there?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Okay. Good.

Hey, sorry I'm still living back here.

Stay as long as you want.

It's your studio.

Also, it's really nice having you here.

For me too.

Night.

Night. Love you.

Love you too.

- Are you gonna--? No.

- Here's your chai latte.

- Can I get a large coffee to go?

- Soy cappuccino for David.

Uh...

Excuse me, sir? Sir.

Sir. Yeah, you. Sorry.

You do realize that you just cut

in front of a bunch of people, right?

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Did you not know?

I'm just in a big rush, so...

So you did know.

And I'm sure everyone here is in a rush.

Okay, is this really happening?

She was looking at the pastries,

so l just-- I thought...

It's not just her.

It's everyone behind her.

If you wanna ask every single person

if it's okay that you cut, be my guest.

Don't assume your time

is more important than others'.

Thank you for the lecture.

Have a great day, everybody. Not you.

American culture is dying, and there's

an unrelenting appetite in this country

for reality shows,

talentless pop stars like Riley Banks,

recycled, bloated movie franchises.

The more we consume crap,

the more we want crap.

You are what you eat.

It sounds utterly hopeless.

ls there an upshot?

I think there will be a groundswell

movement toward simplicity.

People will crave spiritual,

mental and physical nourishment.

It'll be back to basics.

Wow. A lot to chew on.

For more on this gloomy

but interesting subject,

look out for Celeste Martin's

new book, Shitegeist,

on bookshelves Monday.

I had dinner with the drama club.

Who's that?

Beth and Tucker.

They left in the middle of dinner

because they don't approve

of me and Jesse hanging out.

It is so judgy. We're fine. If we were gay,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

We'd just be friends.

You are not ready to let go of each other.

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