Charley's Aunt

GOOD AFTERNOON,

MR. REDCLIFFE.

OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. REDCLIFFE.

JUST IN TIME FOR TEA, SIR.

WE HAVE A SERVING AS SOON

AS THE BELL STRIKES 4:00.

SPLENDID, BRASSETT.

I SAY, WHAT'S THE SCORE?

WE'VE GOT 12

TO THEIR 88, SIR.

OH. NIP AND TUCK, EH?

OH, YES, SIR. VERY CLOSE.

GOOD,

HARD-FOUGHT BATTLE.

OUR INNINGS, EH? WHO'S

BATTING? LORD FANCOURT BABBERLY.

YOU'RE RATHER FUNNY

THIS AFTERNOON.

NOW, DON'T GET ANGRY,

MOTHER.

DON'T "MOTHER" ME. I'M SORRY.

I WAS ONLY REHEARSING MY LINES.

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MY MOTHER

IN THE VARSITY PLAY, AREN'T YOU?

AND THAT'S WHERE

IT ENDS, SIR.

ALL RIGHT,

IF YOU'RE GOING TO QUIBBLE.

IT SEEMS TO BE:

COMING THIS WAY.

SOMEBODY GET SOME WATER.

LET ME HELP.

OH, I'M FRIGHTFULLY SORRY,

MR. REDCLIFFE. ARE YOU HURT?

THAT IS ONE OF THE SILLIEST QUESTIONS

I'VE EVER HEARD FROM A STUDENT.

YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD

WITH A HARD CRICKET BALL,

CREATING A CONDITION OF

TORTICOLLIS- A STIFF NECK, TO YOU-

THEN YOU ASK ME:

WHETHER I'M HURT.

WELL, I ASSURE YOU, I WAS ENTIRELY ACCIDENTAL.

JUST A LUCKY HIT.

THAT'S ALL. I MEAN A-

BABBS, I THINK YOU'D

BETTER GO BACK TO THE GAME.

YES, BEFORE

YOU SAY ANYTHING MORE.

AM I HURT.

DO YOU REALIZE, BRASSETT, SOMEDAY THA YOUNG IDIOT WILL SIT IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS?

YES, SIR.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

DON'T LET I UNNERVE YOU, OLD MAN.

COME ON, BABBS. HIT UP

SOME SIXES. YOU CAN DO IT.

VERY WELL.

LOOK. THERE ARE

THE GIRLS.

YES, BUT OLD SPETTIGUE

IS WITH THEM.

WHAT'S THE SCORE NOW?

THAT GIVES US 60

TO THEIR 88.

JOVE. THAT MAKES IT CLOSE,

DOESN'T IT? IT DOES, RATHER, YES.

TEA!

GOOD OLD TEA.

GOOD ON YOU, BABBS.

GREAT HITTING. WELL PLAYED,

BABBS. WELL PLAYED, BABBS.

SUGAR, OLD MAN?

WHERE'S OLD REDCLIFFE?

MAYBE IF I BROUGHT HIM SOME TEA, HE'D

CALM DOWN A BIT. HE'S OVER THERE, BABBS.

OH, YES.

THANK YOU-

I'M EXCEEDINGLY SORRY, SIR.

ANOTHER LUCKY HIT, EH?

YES, SIR.

I MEAN, NO, SIR.

I RATHER LIKE FIRES, DON'T YOU? RATHER.

NOTHING LIKE A JOLLY

OLD FIRE, I ALWAYS SAY.

OH, THAT'S INTERESTING.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A BIT OF A

PASSION FOR THEM MYSELF. REALLY?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE

HAVE ANOTHER SPOT OF TEA...

AND SEE WHAT'S BURNING?

OH, PERFECT.

LORD BABBERLY.

LORD BABBERLY!

HUH?

WHAT HAPPENED?

THAT IS WHAT I INTEND

TO FIND OUT IN MY STUDY...

AT HALF-PAST 10:
00

IN THE MORNING.

DISGRACEFUL CONDUCT.

WORST STUDENT AT OXFORD.

DARLING KITTY-

MY DEAR KITTY.

DARLING KITTY.

KITTY, MY DARLING, I-

WANT SOMETHING, BABBS?

NO, NO. I JUST CAME

TO BORROW MY WHITE TIE...

YOU BORROWED FROM ME

LAST NOVEMBER.

DO YOU MIND?

I SHAN'T KEEP IT LONG.

NO, NOT AT ALL, MAN.

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

IT'S THE ONE

WITH THE CHERRY STAIN ON IT.

KITTY, MY DARLING.

I SAY, JACK, WHERE

DO YOU KEEP MY TIES?

PLEASE, BABBS.

I'M THINKING.

I'M TRYING TO PU A SPEECH TOGETHER.

AND I'M TRYING TO PUT MYSELF

TOGETHER. WHERE'S MY TIE?

KITTY, MY DARLING.

IN ALL THIS WORLD, THERE

IS NO ONE QUITE LIKE YOU.

FLATTERY WON'T HELP YOU ANY.

I WANT MY TIE.

OH, I WASN'T SPEAKING TO

YOU. I'M REHEARSING A SPEECH.

KITTY'S COMING TO LUNCH, AND I'VE

GOT TO PROPOSE TO HER DIRECTLY AFTER.

THAT'S ALL VERY INTERESTING,

BUT I WANT MY TIE.

I'VE GOT TO WORK FAST.

OLD SPETTIGUE'S TAKING KITTY

AND AMY OFF TO SCOTLAND TONIGHT.

HE WANTS TO GET THEM

AWAY FROM CHARLEY AND ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? AFRAID YOU WON' MARRY THEM? NO, HE'S AFRAID THAT WE WILL.

YOU SEE, HE'S THEIR GUARDIAN.

GETS A SALARY FOR IT.

AS SOON AS THEY MARRY,

HIS INCOME STOPS.

AND THERE'S MY BAG.

I KNEW I DIDN'T PAWN IT.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, OLD MAN, I

THINK I'LL KEEP IT A LITTLE LONGER.

I'M GOING AWAY NEXT WEEKEND. SO AM I.

OH, NOW, DON'T BE A BOUNDER,

BABBS. WE'LL TOSS A COIN FOR IT.

HELLO.

OH, HELLO, CHARLEY.

HAVE YOU MET YOUR AUN ALREADY? NO, I'M ON MY WAY NOW.

I DREAD IT. IT'S BAD ENOUGH

MEETING AN AUNT YOU KNOW,

BUT TO MEET ONE YOU DON'T KNOW-

HER NAME'S ENOUGH TO SCARE ME-

- DONNA LUCIA D'ALVADOREZ.

- THAT'S NOT AN AUNT. THAT'S A CIGAR.

IMAGINE. HE DOESN'T EVEN

KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. SHE WEN TO BRAZIL BEFORE I WAS BORN.

BE PREPARED, CHARLEY.

SHE'S PROBABLY A HIDEOUS OLD

LADY WITH SUFFRAGETTE TENDENCIES.

I WOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER

MEETING HER.

WELL, HIDEOUS OR NOT,

SHE DID ALL RIGHT DOWN THERE.

MARRIED SOME BRAZILIAN

ON HIS DEATHBED...

AND CAME AWAY WITH MILLIONS.

MILLIONS?

WHY, CHARLEY, WHAT ARE YOU

STANDING HERE FOR?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE I IF YOU WERE A LITTLE OLD LADY...

AND HAD TO WAI AT THE STATION ALL ALONE?

GO AND FETCH HER, CHARLEY.

THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME.

OH, IS THERE? NOW, MIND

YOU, DON'T MISS HER.

YOU KNOW HOW STRIC KITTY AND AMY ARE.

IF YOUR AUNT ISN'T THERE TO

CHAPERONE THEM, NO LUNCHEON.

DON'T WORRY. I WON' MISS HER. OH, I SAY, JACK.

DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW

A FEW OF THESE?

I'M EXPECTING SOME FRIENDS IN THIS

AFTERNOON. OH, I'M SORRY, BABBS,

BUT WE'LL NEED EVERY

DROP FOR LUNCHEON.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

I'VE GOT TO BE CHANGING.

WELL, THAT'S GRATITUDE-

BORROWS MY TIES AND MY SWEATERS.

THE MOMENT I ASK FOR A FEW

BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE-

YES, BRASSETT? I JUST RAN

INTO MR. WIGGINS, MILORD.

HE'D LIKE YOU TO STOP BY HIS SHOP

AND TRY ON YOUR VARSITY SHOW COSTUME.

OH, I HAVEN'T TIME FOR THA NOW. I TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GO FETCH THE COSTUME, BRING I TO MY ROOMS, AND I'LL TRY IT ON LATER.

IT'S A BIT OF A DISTANCE,

MILORD, WITH A BUNDLE.

I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE

TO TAKE A CAB.

OH, A CAB. OF COURSE.

A CAB. UH, JUST A MOMENT. I'LL GET IT.

OH, I SAY, CHARLEY. COULD YOU

LEND ME A HALF CROWN, PLEASE?

SORRY, BABBS. I'M FLAT.

I'LL GET IT FOR YOU THOUGH.

JACK?

HMM?

HAVE YOU, UH,

HALF A CROWN?

NOT A HA'PENNY.

JUST A MOMENT.

LEND ME HALF A CROWN, WILL

YOU, BRASSETT? CERTAINLY, SIR.

THANK YOU.

HERE YOU ARE, CHARLEY.

OH, THANKS, OLD MAN.

HERE WE ARE. THANK YOU,

CHARLEY. AWFULLY DECENT OF YOU.

THE CAB WILL BE TWO SHILLINGS.

KEEP THE CHANGE, BRASSETT.

OH, THANK YOU, MILORD.

THANK YOU.

THERE YOU ARE.

OH, BUT THAT'S

SUCH A BOTHER, SIR.

NO BOTHER AT ALL.

"ENTERED ST. OLDE'S COLLEGE,

MICHAELMAS TERM, 1880."

SO FAR YOUR RECORD IS MOS ADMIRABLE. THANK YOU, SIR.

LET'S SEE NOW.

MY WORD.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE

A LONG TIME.

HOPE YOU REALIZE THERE'S

A REGULATION...

WHICH SAYS A STUDEN MAY COMPLETE THE COURSE...

IN NOT LESS THAN THREE YEARS

AND NOT MORE THAN 15.

BUT I'M ONLY IN

MY TENTH YEAR, SIR.

WHAT IS THIS?

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW

SHE WAS MARRIED, SIR.

WHEN I SAID YOU WERE TO

BE RUSTICATED, I WAS WRONG.

THANK YOU, SIR. YOU, SIR, ARE NO

LONGER A MEMBER OF THIS UNIVERSITY.

YOU'RE EXPELLED!

EXPELLED?

OH, BUT PLEASE, SIR.

I MUST GET MY DEGREE.

YOU SEE, I'M DUE TO JOIN

MY UNCLE'S FIRM IN THE FALL-

HOGARTH, HAWKS AND BABBERLY-

THE FAMOUS LONDON SOLICITORS.

THEY'VE HANDLED SEVERAL

SENSATIONAL MURDER TRIALS,

AND I'M SURE, MR. REDCLIFFE, IF YOU

EVER HAVE OCCASION TO COMMIT MURDER,

I CAN GET THEM:

TO HANDLE YOUR CASE.

YOU CANNOT BRIBE ME, SIR. LORD

BABBERLY, YOU'RE EXPELLED. OH, NO, SIR.

THEY WON'T TAKE ME IN

WITHOUT AN OXFORD DEGREE.

IT'S TRADITION,

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