Charley's Aunt Page #2

YOU KNOW.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF ALL

THAT BEFORE YOU RANG THE FIRE BELL.

BUT I DIDN' DO IT PURPOSELY.

I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.

I WAS UNCONSCIOUS.

JUDGING FROM YOUR SCHOLASTIC

RECORD, I SHOULD THINK IT...

EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO DETERMINE

WHETHER YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS OR NOT.

I ASSURE YOU, SIR,

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I TRIPPED.

I- I HAVE WITNESSES.

AND WHO ARE THE WITNESSES?

WELL, CHARLES WYKEHAM

AND JACK CHESNEY.

WYKEHAM AND CHESNEY? THEY'RE

TWO VERY REPUTABLE GENTLEMEN.

WILL THEY TESTIFY TO THAT?

OH, I'M SURE THEY WILL, SIR.

THEY WERE RIGHT THERE

WHEN IT HAPPENED,

AND I KNOW I CAN

REFRESH THEIR MEMORY.

VERY WELL. BRING THEM HERE A HALF-PAST 10:00 IN THE MORNING.

IF THEY CORROBORATE YOUR

STORY, I'LL RECONSIDER. IF NOT-

OH, THANK YOU, SIR. THANK

YOU SO MUCH. GOOD DAY.

GOOD DAY, SIR.

GOOD DAY.

DID HE SAY 10:
00

OR HALF-PAST?

MY NECK!

SO AS YOUR SOLICITOR, DONNA

LUCIA, I THOUGHT IT ONLY FAIR...

TO ACQUAINT YOU WITH THE

FACTS. AND I'M MOST GRATEFUL.

OF COURSE, I DON'T MIND

CHARLEY FALLING IN LOVE,

BUT AS HIS ONLY LIVING RELATIVE,

I DO HOPE IT'S THE RIGHT GIRL.

EXACTLY. NOW, I DON'T SAY THAT THE

GIRL IS A FORTUNE-HUNTER, MIND YOU,

BUT I WOULDN'T PUT I BEYOND HER GUARDIAN.

MR. SPETTIGUE'S REPUTATION

IS NONE TOO SAVORY.

IF I COULD ONLY:

MEET THE YOUNG LADY...

AND JUDGE FOR MYSELF, I'D-

- SUPPOSE I WENT INCOGNITO?

- SPLENDID.

YES, BUT HOW WOULD I

GET ABOUT UNESCORTED?

OH, I CAN FIX THAT.

I'LL GIVE YOU A LETTER TO MY

NEPHEW, LORD FANCOURT BABBERLY,

AND ASK HIM TO SHOW YOU

AROUND OXFORD.

YES?

OH, NO. NO.

- NO?

- NO, THAT WON'T DO.

HE'S A FRIEND OF CHARLEY'S

AND HE MIGHT WARN HIM.

BUT DON'T TELL HIM WHO

I AM. SAY THAT I'M, UH-

I'M, UH,

MRS. BEVERLY SMITH.

RIPPING! OH-

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WELL, I'M JUST THINKING-

"SMITH. SMITH."

RATHER AN ORDINARY NAME...

FOR A FIRM OF OUR REPUTATION TO

BE CONNECTED WITH, DON'T YOU THINK?

WELL, HOW ABOU MRS. BEVERLY SMYTHE?

OH, NOW-

NOW, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, JACK?

I SAY, JACK?

OH, JACK?

HELLO, CHARLEY.

DID YOU MEET MY UNCLE?

I MEAN, YOUR AUNT?

NO. SHE WASN'T ON THE

11:
00. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

I HOPE SHE, UH-

I HOPE SHE ISN'T LOST.

SHE'LL PROBABLY BE IN

ON THE 12:
15.

NOW, BABBS, THAT'S NO VERY SPORTING OF YOU.

YOU SAID I MIGHT KEEP I OVER THE WEEKEND. I DID NOT.

AND BESIDES, I WANT TO HAVE MY INITIALS

PUT ON IT. THAT CAN WAIT TILL MONDAY.

JACK, LOOK OUT!

THAT'S MY BAG.

CHARLEY, THAT'S MY BAG.

LOOK OUT.

I OUGHT TO BASH:

YOUR CRUMPET.

YOU MIGHT HAVE:

CRACKED THE LEATHER.

I SAY, YOU ARE IN A TEMPER. WHA HAPPENED? DID OLD REDCLIFFE FINE YOU?

FINE ME? HE'S GONNA SEND ME DOWN. WHAT?

YOU'D THINK YOUNG STAFFORD WOULD BE SPOR ENOUGH TO ADMIT HE'D KNOCKED YOU OUT.

HE DIDN'T KNOCK ME OUT.

I TRIPPED-

AND I'VE GOT WITNESSES

TO PROVE IT. REALLY? WHO?

YOU AND CHARLEY.

ME?

I WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR THE PLACE.

AND I WAS ON THE CRICKET FIELD.

YOU WERE BOTH SITTING

ON THE TOP STEP,

AND DON'T FORGET THAT IN

REDCLIFFE'S OFFICE TOMORROW.

SO THAT'S IT.

OH, NOW I REMEMBER.

WE WERE SITTING ON

THE TOP STEP. EXACTLY.

YES, AND I WAS SITTING IN

YOUR LAP. OH, STOP SPOOFING.

OH, I SAY, CHARLEY. YOU CAN' BE THERE TOMORROW MORNING.

OH, NO. OF COURSE. I SHALL

BE DRAGGING MY AUNTIE ABOUT.

BUT, CHARLEY- AND I'VE GO TO SEE THE VICE-CHANCELLOR.

FELLOWS, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

IF YOU'RE NOT THERE

TOMORROW, I'LL BE SENT DOWN,

AND THEN MY UNCLE WON' TAKE ME INTO THE FIRM.

AND THEN MY FAMILY WILL SEND ME BACK

TO THAT SHEEP RANCH IN NEW ZEALAND.

AND WHEN I ARRIVE THERE, THEY'LL ALL

BE WAITING FOR ME AND CALLING TO ME.

WHO?

THE SHEEP-

THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND

DIRTY, SMELLY SHEEP.

AND EVERY ONE OF THEM SAYING,

"BABBS! BABBS!"

WHAT'S SO FUNNY

ABOUT THAT?

WE WERE ONLY JOKING.

DON'T WORRY, BABBS. WE WON' LET YOU DOWN. YOU BETTER NOT.

THE LAST TIME:

I WAS RUSTICATED,

MY FAMILY KEPT ME IN NEW

ZEALAND FOR TWO YEARS.

IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN, I'LL BE A

SHEEPHERDER THE REST OF MY LIFE.

SHEEPHERDER.

COME IN!

BEG PARDON, MILORD.

I'VE JUST COME FROM MR.

WIGGINS WITH YOUR COSTUME.

IT'S READY TO TRY ON. I'LL DO

IT RIGHT AWAY. NOW SEE HERE.

YOU CAN START LAYING THE LUNCHEON

TABLE AT ANY TIME, BRASSETT.

YES, SIR.

AND BRASSETT-

- FETCH ME SIX-PENNY WORTH OF

HAIRPINS. - HAIRPINS, MILORD?

HAIRPINS.

VERY GOOD, MILORD.

TAKE IT OUT OF THAT HALF CROWN

I GAVE YOU THIS MORNING.

YES, MILORD.

BEG PARDON, SIR.

COME IN!

DON'T SHOUT AT ME, SON. I'M

BRINGING YOU YOUR ALLOWANCE.

DAD!

HOW ARE YOU, JACK?

SPLENDID, SIR. CHARLEY,

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY DAD.

DAD, THIS IS CHARLEY WYKEHAM.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR FRANCIS?

HELLO, WYKEHAM.

WELL, I'LL RUN ALONG.

I'LL BE IN MY ROOMS

IF YOU WANT ME, JACK.

GOOD-BYE, SIR FRANCIS.

GOOD-BYE, WYKEHAM.

I SAY, YOU ARE

A HANDSOME DEVIL.

NOT BAD FOR 51, EH? NO

ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE IT-

GOOD-LOOKING, CHARMING,

DEBONAIR.

NO NEED GOING ON, JACK. YOUR

CHECK'S ALREADY MADE OUT.

YOU KNOW, DAD, I DON' SEE HALF ENOUGH OF YOU.

I WISH I COULD AFFORD

CIGARS LIKE THESE.

WELL, CAN'T YOU?

NO.

NOW THAT I'VE COME INTO

THE FAMILY TITLE,

I HAVE ALSO COME INTO

THE FAMILY DEBTS. DEBTS?

MM. YOU KNOW

- RED INK AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

I'M AFRAID, JACK,

FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS...

WE'RE GOING TO BE KNOWN AS

CHARMING, EDUCATED, CULTURED PAUPERS.

WELL.

THAT RUINS ME WITH KITTY. HMM?

WHAT'S THAT? OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. I-

JUST THINKING ALOUD.

THERE'S ONE RAY

OF HOPE THOUGH. I-

I THINK I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN FOR YOU IN NEW ZEALAND.

NEW ZEALAND?

MM-HMM. WONDERFUL PLACE.

GREAT SHEEP-RAISING COUNTRY.

YES.

I'VE HEARD

ALL ABOUT IT.

SAY, DAD.

I'VE AN IDEA.

COULDN'T THIS ALL BE SETTLED

BY A WEALTHY MARRIAGE?

OH, NO. I RATHER DISLIKE

THAT SORT OF THING, JACK.

IF I WERE YOU-

LISTEN.

CHARLEY WYKEHAM'S AUNT,

DONNA LUCIA D'ALVADOREZ,

IS COMING HERE:

TO LUNCH TODAY.

SHE'S A WEALTHY WIDOW-

NO, DON'T DO IT, JACK.

I WOULDN'T ADVISE

YOUR MARRYING JUST FOR MONEY.

BUT NOT ME, DAD. YOU. ME?

OH, YOU YOUNG DEVIL.

I'LL GET ALONG, SON.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I WASN'T, SIR.

I'M AFRAID I WAS BEING

VERY SELFISH.

WHAT?

YOU SEE, DAD,

I'M IN LOVE-

FRIGHTFULLY, DEVASTATINGLY.

BUT WITHOUT ANY MONEY,

I HAVEN'T THE RIGHT.

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

OH, SHE-

SHE'S LIKE THE STARS,

THE MOON AND THE SUN.

IS SHE NOW?

SOUNDS LIKE THE REAL THING.

IT IS, SIR.

I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE TO

HER AT LUNCH TODAY, BUT-

HOW ARE THE SHEEP

IN NEW ZEALAND?

PRETTY BAD.

RATHER SMELLY TOO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK?

WON'T SHE WAIT?

OH, I THINK

SHE WOULD, SIR,

BUT SHE HAS A GUARDIAN.

OH.

YOUR MOTHER AND I ELOPED

UNDER SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES-

BUT OF COURSE AT THE TIME

I HAD A LITTLE INCOME.

YES, AN INCOME CAN BE

A WONDERFUL THING.

IT CERTAINLY CAN.

UH, HOW OLD IS THIS,

UH, CHARLEY'S AUNT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY

90, LIKE MOST AUNTS.

WELL, AT 90

THEY DON'T BOTHER YOU MUCH.

AND YOU SAY:

SHE'S VERY WEALTHY?

THEY SAY:

SHE HAS MILLIONS.

I'M SURE YOUR MOTHER

WOULD UNDERSTAND. HMM?

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