Charley's Aunt Page #3

WELL, I'LL HAVE LUNCHEON

WITH YOU TODAY. OH, NO, DAD.

I COULDN'T LET YOU DO

ANYTHING LIKE THIS FOR ME.

A LOVELESS MARRIAGE? BU I'M DOING IT FOR LOVE, SON.

I THINK I'LL RUN ALONG

AND GET SHAVED.

NO MAN SHOULD PROPOSE

ON A FULL BEARD.

AFTER ALL, IT WOULD BE

RATHER NICE TO HAVE THE STARS,

THE SUN AND THE MOON

FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

WHAT DID YOU SAY HER

NAME WAS, JACK? KITTY.

KITTY.

THAT'S A LOVELY NAME, JACK.

YES, SIR. IT IS.

KITTY.

THANK YOU.

JACK? JACK!

SHE'S NOT COMING.

DON'T TELL ME THAT.

BUT SHE MUST COME.

WE'RE EXPECTING HER.

SEND HER A WIRE. TELL HER

- THERE'S NOT TIME ENOUGH.

THE GIRLS WON'T STAY

WITHOUT A CHAPERONE.

MAYBE THE REGISTRAR'S WIFE WILL

- JACK!

LOOK.

COME IN.

COME IN!

OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WELL, BOYS, HOW DO YOU

LIKE ME? WHAT THE DICKENS-

BABBS!

AUNTIE.

- WHERE IS SHE?

SHE COULDN'T COME.

SO WE'VE GOT TO GE ANOTHER CHAPERONE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

ASK MRS.-

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

OH, YES, WE DO!

NOW, STOP IT! STOP IT, YOU

BLACKGUARDS. STOP IT, I SAY.

STOP IT, YOU FELLOWS.

STOP IT, I SAY.

IF YOU CAN FOOL US, YOU CAN

FOOL THE GIRLS. COME ON, BABBS.

BE A SPORT. I WON'T BE A

LADY FOR YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE.

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

AND I MEAN IT.

VERY WELL. YOU KNOW, CHARLEY,

I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING.

I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING BABBS

TRIP ON THE STAIRS LAST NIGHT.

COME TO THINK OF IT,

I DON'T EITHER.

AND IF WE DIDN'T SEE HIM, WE COULDN' VERY WELL TELL REDCLIFFE THAT WE DID.

OH, OF COURSE NOT.

THAT WOULD BE LYING.

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO. HE'LL

SEND ME DOWN IF YOU DON'T.

THEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE

ALL THOSE LOVELY SHEEP.

THIS IS BLACKMAIL.

YES.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE. YOU HELP

US, AND WE'LL HELP YOU.

OH.

SHH! WE MUST TIDY UP THE ROOM.

JUST A MOMENT.

YOU'D BETTER MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

BUT FELLOWS, THIS IS-

THIS IS ALL SO UNFAIR.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE BO PEEP, IF

YOU WANT YOUR SHEEP BACK AGAIN-

BUT YOU PROMISED.

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF AN OLD FRIENDSHIP?

THE ANSWER IS YES.

WELL? I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH

IT. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

JUST KEEP YOUR VOICE UP

AND YOUR DRESS DOWN.

COME IN.

HOW DO YOU DO? SO NICE OF YOU TO COME.

ARE WE TOO EARLY,

MR. WYKEHAM?

OH, NO. YOU DIDN'T MENTION

ANY TIME, MR. CHESNEY,

SO WE:

- SO WE CAME DIRECTLY. MR. SPETTIGUE LEFT THE HOUSE.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

Y- YES.

THANK YOU, BUT HAS

MR. WYKEHAM'S AUNT ARRIVED YET?

OH, UH, YES.

YES, OF COURSE.

OH.

OH, UH, DONNA LUCIA,

MISS SPETTIGUE.

MISS VERDUN,

DONNA LUCIA D'ALVADOREZ.

CHARLEY'S AUNT.

YES. MY- MY AUNT.

OH, UH, ARE YOU, UH, QUITE

COMFORTABLE, AUNTIE DEAR?

SAY SOMETHING, YOU IDIOT.

HOW-

HOW-

HOW DO YOU DO?

BABBS.

HOW DO YOU DO,

MY DEARS?

HOW DO YOU DO,

DONNA LUCIA?

WE BROUGHT YOU THESE.

FOR ME?

I MEAN-

FOR ME?

HOW SWEET OF YOU,

MY DEARS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SET DOWN YOUR PARASOLS,

LADIES? OH, THANK YOU, MR. WYKEHAM.

OH, MISS AMY, I WAN TO SHOW YOU THIS PICTURE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED

TO DO WITH THESE?

PUT 'EM IN YOUR DRESS.

NO, THAT'S ANOTHER FELLOW.

THAT'S JACK AT THE TOP.

WITH A MUSTACHE.

HE HAD ONE LAST YEAR.

SILLY PICTURES.

DON'T SHOW THEM THAT.

I WON THIS TROPHY

AT LA CROSSE.

THIS BAT IS RATHER NICE.

IT'S AUTOGRAPHED

BY W.G. GRACE.

YOU'VE SEEN HIM.

ENORMOUS BEARD.

AMAZING OLD MAN.

YOU KNOW WHO HE IS,

DON'T YOU? NO, I DON'T.

IS THIS YOUR PICTURE, JACK? YES,

THAT'S ME. IT WAS MY FIRST YEAR.

MAY I ARRANGE THOSE

FOR YOU, DONNA LUCIA?

SO NICE OF YOU, MY DEAR.

THE TABLE-

THIS IS THE ONE I MEANT.

THANK YOU.

OH, COME IN, BRASSETT. OH, BEG

PARDON, MILORD. MR. WIGGINS-

NOW, BRASSETT, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE

I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME MILORD?

NOT YET, ANYWAY. PERHAPS

LATER, BUT, UH, NOT NOW.

OH, I WANT YOU TO LAY

ANOTHER PLACE FOR MY FATHER.

YES, SIR. HE CAN SI NEXT TO, UH, DONNA LUCIA.

OH. YES, SIR.

CROSSING THE QUAD, SIR,

I SAW A GENTLEMAN.

HE WAS EVIDENTLY

HEADING THIS WAY, SIR.

I BELIEVE:

IT WAS MR. SPETTIGUE.

OH! MR. SPETTIGUE!

OH, AMY.

KITTY.

MR. SPETTIGUE.

UNCLE DIDN'T GO TO LONDON

AT ALL. NO, IT WAS A TRICK-

JUST TO SEE WHAT WE'D DO.

WE CAN HIDE IN THAT ROOM.

SOMEBODY PLEASE:

SEND HIM AWAY.

YOU GET RID OF HIM.

OH, NO!

I WISH TO SEE MR. CHESNEY.

WELL, DON'T SHOUT.

I'M NOT A BARMAID, YOU KNOW.

WHERE ARE MR. CHESNEY

AND MR. WYKEHAM?

AND WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS,

YOU DRUNKEN SOT? WHAT?

REMOVE YOUR HA IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY,

OR I SHALL WRITE

TO THETIMESABOUT THIS.

THAT'S BETTER

- OR IS IT? I WISH TO SEE THE TWO YOUNG GENTLEMEN AT ONCE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, BECAUSE

I'M THE ONLY GENTLEMAN PRESENT.

WHAT?

I MEAN, I'M-

I DISTINCTLY SAW TWO

YOUNG LADIES COME IN HERE.

WELL, THAT'S CURIOUS, BECAUSE

I'M THE ONLY YOUNG LADY HERE.

OF COURSE, IN YOUR CONDITION, YOU PROBABLY SAW ME TWICE

- COMING AND GOING.

I FLIT BACK AND FORTH. THEY'VE

PROBABLY GONE INTO THE GARDEN.

THEY'VE DONE

NOTHING OF THE KIND.

THEN THEY'VE GONE INTO TOWN.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW THEM-

IF YOU'RE ABLE TO WALK

IN YOUR CONDITION.

MADAM, I AM PERFECTLY SOBER.

SOBER?

SOBER?

MADAM, I ASSURE YOU-

I ADVISE YOU TO SIGN

THE TEMPERANCE PLEDGE...

AND BE SAVED:

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

SOMETHING JUST HIT ME.

PROBABLY THE TENTH DRINK.

YOU CAN COME OUT NOW,

MY DEARS.

HOW SWEET OF YOU,

DONNA LUCIA.

OH, YOU WERE AN ANGEL

TO DO IT FOR US.

LOOK AT HIM.

I OUGHT TO TAP HIS CLARET.

DONNA LUCIA:

- I THINK YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.

LADIES, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE SEEN

OUR VIEW OF THE CLOISTERS, HAVE YOU?

ON A CLEAR DAY, YOU CAN

SEE THEM QUITE CLEARLY.

WHEN IT'S CLEAR.

REALLY?

I JUST SAW YOUR FATHER

COMING UP THE STAIRS, SIR.

NOW, YOU BE CAREFUL

WHEN MY DAD GETS HERE.

WHY? I'M NOT RELATED

TO HIM TOO, AM I?

OF COURSE NOT, YOU IDIOT. YOU'RE

CHARLEY'S AUNT FROM BRAZIL.

BRAZIL. YOU KNOW, WHERE

THE NUTS COME FROM.

OH! IT'S YOUR UNCLE AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S MY FATHER.

HELLO, DAD.

HELLO, JACK.

MISS SPETTIGUE,

MISS VERDUN- KITTY-

MY FATHER.

OH, DELIGHTED.

HAS, UH,

SHE COME YET?

OH, UH, CHARLEY, WILL

YOU INTRODUCE YOUR AUNT?

OH, UH, YES, OF COURSE.

UH, DONNA LUCIA D'ALVADOREZ,

SIR FRANCIS CHESNEY-

JACK'S FATHER.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR FRANCIS?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M CHARLEY'S AUN FROM BRAZIL-

WHERE THE NUTS:

COME FROM.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

SHE WAS ONLY 90.

LISTEN, DAD,

I WANTED TO EXPLAIN-

MY SON HAD TOLD ME HOW WEALTH-

HOW CHARMING YOU WERE,

AND AFTER SEEING YOU, I CAN ONLY SAY

THAT HE IS A MASTER AT UNDERSTATEMENT.

HOW SWEET OF YOU.

MY, WHAT A LOVELY FLOWER.

OH, YOU LIKE IT?

WILL YOU ACCEPT IT?

THANK YOU, SIR FRANCIS.

I SHALL HAVE IT STUFFED.

LUNCHEON IS READY, SIR.

THANK YOU, BRASSETT.

DAD, WILL YOU TAKE

- DONNA LUCIA? BUT OF COURSE, SON.

OH, WILL YOU SEAT US,

PLEASE, AUNTIE? YES.

NOW, THE GIRLS

- THE GIRLS WILL SIT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME.

BUT, AUNTIE, YOU HAVE

TO CARVE THELAMB.

WELL, IN THAT CASE

- THE YOUNG LADIES WILL SIT THERE...

AND THERE.

YES, YES, YES.

WILL YOU BE SEATED,

DONNA LUCIA? THANK YOU.

I WILL SIT HERE, SON.

BRASSETT, YOU CAN OPEN

THE CHAMPAGNE. YES, SIR.

HOW DO YOU FIND:

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