Cheech and Chong's The Corsican Brothers Page #4

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for that, my brother.

We have to get into the castle.

It's important.

That's what I'm getting at.

Now, listen.

Tomorrow he's going

to the castle...

for the Queen's birthday

with his entire entourage.

We go in with him.

But we'll be recognized.

I got that figured out, too.

-See this guy behind us?

-Yeah.

-The guy with the red hair?

-Yeah.

He's the Queen's hairdresser,

on royal appointment.

He's a Spanish guy.

Just came from Spain.

And anyways, he's queer

as a duck.

Oh, no, my brother. I--

I just couldn't do that.

I mean I haven't really

been with a woman...

Iet alone a man.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Just listen.

See the other guy with him?

That's Nostradamus,

the famous mystic seer.

Now, I'm gonna

lure him outside...

and then you come after us.

My brother, I can't.

-I just couldn't.

-Why?

Just the thought of it

makes me sick.

I mean, what does he do,

kiss first?

I just couldn't.

The thought...

Look, I'm gonna

lure them outside...

and you come after me!

And then what?

And then you

bonk 'em on the head!

I can bonk.

But how are you gonna

lure 'em outside?

I have my ways.

Con permiso.

Tickle your ass with a feather?

Monsieur Jozay.

It's pronounced Jose.

Gracias.

!Ay, reina!

I am so happy to know you!

Thank you for inviting us.

It's such a nice casa

you have here.

Who do your hair?

It's OK.

I'm going to fix it.

Gracias por la invitacion.

It's me. I'll meet you later.

I've got to see you.

Gracias por todo.

Gracias.

My darling, I got your message

about meeting later, eh?

Monsieur Nostradamus.

The brothers were not

masters of impersonation...

but the strength

of their resolve...

made up for it, and they soon

found themselves...

comfortably situated

in the palace...

at ease with their

aristocratic enemies.

They knew how readily

the princesses...

would throw themselves

in the path of love...

if given the chance.

But even that temptation did not

spoil the supreme poise...

with which they carried off

the masquerade.

I'm so glad you're here.

I am so glad I'm here, too.

This is so much fun.

OK, we're gonna turn you around.

All right.

See, like that.

There you go.

Now, tell me. What

is it like in Spain?

Well, honey, that's

the end of the world.

You want to talk about

the end of the world...

that's the end of the world.

It's so hot there.

Is it true what they say

about the Queen of Spain?

I don't know.

What they say?

That she's bald?

She bald?

She--honey, she got more hair...

on her legs than

she got on her head.

And what about

all those lovers?

God.

They don't call her

the "Frijole" for nothing.

She like a doorknob.

Everybody gets a turn.

And that's a yoke, huh?

A good yoke.

Yeah, they were gonna name

a port of entry after her.

Greetings, my peasant brothers.

I bring good news.

The revolution goes well.

Soon I will be able to free you

from your miserable existence.

Take heed, have faith,

and au revoir.

Can I ask you

a personal question?

Surely.

Where your daughter's room is?

Oh, my daughters.

They're so lovely!

They're just like their father.

Whatever happened to the King?

I don't see him around

here never no times.

Well, one day he want

hunting with the Fuckaire...

and then he never

came home again.

I don't trust that Fuckaire.

He's a sneaky guy.

Well...you have to

trust someone.

It's hard being the Queen.

I know what you mean...

especially in these pants.

Clear in his purpose.

Lucien searched

for a weapon strong enough...

and big enough to intimidate

friend and foe alike.

I not lying to you.

That's the truth.

They were so big

that she thought...

nobody would notice them.

She would just put a dress on.

Nobody would notice them.

!Ay! She was so stupid.

And she didn't tip at all.

How that feel? That's

OK on you, the hot air?

Yeah.

Feels like a night

in Malaga, huh?

A nice hot blow job.

!Ay, que bueno!

I want to look nice...

for my...rendezvous

with du Hickey.

Oh, you're gonna look

special, honey.

You're gonna look like

you never looked before.

Now, you just relax

and go to sleep.

I give you

a little massage, OK?

Now, just be quiet

and go to sleep.

My darling. I've been

looking all over--

God! I wish

he would be careful!

Sorry.

God, you scared

the sh*t out of me.

Oh, what have you done?

I didn't do nothin', man.

I was washin' her hair,

and it all came out.

You've made her look bad.

That's good.

It's a small victory,

but a big one.

My God!

Why didn't you tell me

I look like this?

I look like Fuckaire.

No wonder my peasant brothers

won't talk to me.

Oh, who cares if you

look like Fuckaire?

Help me do her hair.

I have to get out

of this disguise.

Come on. Hurry up, and

let's get outta here.

I found them, my brother,

and they're beautiful.

Oh, good.

Hey, and stop

walking into walls.

You almost broke

my nose that time.

They're just down

the hall from here.

Good.

Leave her alone.

Let's go.

Adios.

Wait till you see them,

my brother.

There's one pair

that's just incredible.

What are you talkin' about?

Come here.

They're in here.

There they are.

Now, if we can

just get them off.

Let's get 'em drunk first.

Hi, ladies. This--

this is more like it.

Hey. How you doin'?

Do I pass inspection?

Hey, did you ever see

a one-eyed trouser snake?

Must be melon season.

I need it.

I need it.

I need it.

I need it.

Hey, come here!

Come here.

We've been lookin' for you!

Hey, come here.

No, no, come here!

-Wait! Wait!

-Hey, wait!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. We...

we want to talk to you.

Hey, I can explain!

Wait!

Wait!

!La cholita!

Where are you?

Come on, baby,

I know you're in there.

Come on, baby,

don't play hard to get.

I know you want me.

Hey, I want you, too.

Why do you think

I'm dressed like this?

Hey, baby.

Excuse me, sister.

Come on, honey.

Those girls don't mean

anything to me.

Ever since you gave me

that look this morning...

I don't even think of girls.

All I think of is you.

I thi--

Come on, baby.

I can take you

away from all this...

civilization.

We can run out

into the jungles of Mexico...

and be love savages.

I'll be your king...

and you be my love queen.

We can open a taco stand.

Just...tell me where you are,

little pussycat.

Come on, baby.

Oh, honey...

you make me so happy.

Oh...oh, I want you.

I need you.

I have to have you.

And so you shall, my darling.

Get away from me!

I don't like intellectuals.

They're too stupid.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not an intellectual.

I'm a revolutionary.

Don't you know who I am?

Oh. It's you!

Well, then what

were you doing...

in that room

with all those girls?

I was just looking for my sword.

They had your sword?!

Yes. They were

holding it for me.

-They were holding it?

-Yes.

You told me that was my job!

My darling...

Listen to me.

I've been searching

all over for you.

Listen, I just

want to tell you...

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

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