Choke

[ Man Narrating ]

These are the legends.

You've heard about them for years.

The pretty housewife-

you know the one.

The friends burst in at the surprise party,

find her spread eagle...

with the family dog licking peanut butter

from between her legs.

Well, she's real.

Remember the cheerleader?

She gets her stomach pumped.

- They find a quart of sperm. Her name's Luann.

- Hey.

They may not look like much to you,

but they were all-stars on the circuit.

The hooker reunites

with thejohn here...

the molester with the molested.

The guy hanging naked

from the shower curtain rod...

half dead from autoerotic asphyxiation?

- Hi. My name is Lonnie, and I'm a sex addict.

- He's Lonnie. He's a sex addict.

[ All ]

Hi, Lonnie.

These people are the reason

emergency rooms have special tools...

to remove the champagne bottle,

the fluorescent bulb, the hamster.

- Did you ever experience-

- For the freaks in here, sex is a compulsion...

- like gambling, or drugs, or shoplifting.

- Hi. My name is Agnes.

At least this one looks like love...

- if you squint.

- [ Door Opens ]

That's my best friend, Denny.

Denny showed up here

after he got booted from art school...

for waxing his weasel

during life drawing class.

Not like the model was even fine.

just some old hippie

with overgrown nature bush.

But Denny didn't care. By then he was

masturbating 1 5 times a dayjust to break even.

Got so he could barely

make a fist anymore.

Nico gets released from the halfway house

twice a week for therapy...

just like Cinderella.

Only at midnight

she turns into a fugitive.

Don't get me wrong- I'm no different.

We're all here for the same reason:

to dig through our personal valise

of perverse, heartbreaking memories...

until we find one that helps us

to break the cycle, to get sober.

For me, that means no more constant

meaningless sex with strangers...

all the time.

I come to meetings.

I work the steps.

I even try to abstain.

- So far, it's not going so well.

- [ Nico Moans ]

- Not that it's any picnic to quit.

- Sign this.

Sex addicts become literally dependent

on the rush of constant sex.

Around the world, Nico.

Around the world, baby.

Orgasms release endorphins.

Endorphins kill pain.

- And I'm all for that.

- [ Moans ]

- You got something to write with?

- In my pocket.

Hold on a second. I'm Nico's sponsor,

and I take that very seriously.

Here you go, babe.

[ Moans ]

I mean, please,

even the worst blowj*b is better...

than, say, sniffing the greatest rose

or watching the greatest sunset.

But I'm not thinking about that now...

because at any moment

I won't have a problem in the world.

No bills, no stupidjob, no crazy mother.

All I'm going to feel is perfect,

beautiful nothing.

- [ Grunting ]

- F*** you! Not yet.

[ Grunting ]

Here it comes. Perfect.

- Beautiful.

- [ Moans ] Fu-

[ All ]

Keep coming back.

It works if you work it,

so work it, you're worth it.

Yeah.

What'd you say you do again?

I am the backbone

of colonial America.

- Welcome to the Village of Dunsboro.

- Come on, kids.

Here, life in an 1 8th-century settlement

is re-created in vivid detail.

Here. Take it.

- [ Narrating ] For some,

it's more vivid than others.

- Bye-bye.

Not that you can blame 'em.

We're all marooned here

like castaways on some TVshow...

who never age and never escape.

Think Gilligan meets Groundhog Day...

in hell.

Hmm. Can I get a turn?

- Sure you can.

- When?

When the Mayflower

sails out of my ass.

- Hey, kids.

- Nice.

-[ Child ] Ooh.

- Hi. All right. Watch this. Ready?

[ Boy ]

Whoa,you've got skills.

How do you know how to do that?

[ Bell Clanging ]

- [ Denny ] Get off me. Aah.!

- Hey, man. What the-

Hey, get out of here, you little shits!

- [ Groans ]

- Easy, easy, easy.

It's me. It's me.

- Sorry, dude.

- You all right?

Yeah, these kids kept putting

this ferret thing down my pants.

Am I bleeding?

- Oh, God.

- What? What is it?

Ursula, man.

- [ Denny ] She's a milkmaid.

- You got that right.

No.

No.

Yeah.

She's milking those cows all day...

working those fingers up and down

and up and down and up and down.

- Hey! Hey, hey, man!

- Thanks.

- Yeah,you may not want to do that.

- Ursula?

Hi.

[ Victor ]

Look at this guy.

Man's a glutton for punishment.

- [ Chuckling ]

- [ Denny ] She laughed.

- Did you see that?

- ""At,'' dude, not ""with.''

[ Denny ]

Right.

Oh, sh*t. Let's roll.

Wait, wait. Where is it? F***.

- What the f*** are you doing?

- I need my wig. Where's my wig?

- Leave the goddamn wig, will you?

- Dude, he'll dock me.

- Who hast released thee from thy bonds?

- My bonds?

Thou knowest the rules.

Miscreants may be freed only by a duly

appointed member of the constabulary.

Give it a rest with the olden spiel,

Charlie.

You heard the bells. We're off.

- And what of his uncovered pate?

- My what?

Your pate! Your pate.

Discarding period attire whilst within

colony walls is a clear violation of character.

Fine. Okay? You happy?

- Thy purse shall suffer for thy transgressions.

- Hey, hey, hey, look.

I don't mind if you wanna play method Mussolini

to this bunch of failed drama school rejects...

- but you dock my check one more time-

- Victor.

thou wilt feel the wrath

of a f***in' beat-down.

- Bring it then, varlet, if thou be a man.

- Victor! Victor!

- What wilt thou do?

- What am I gonna do? What? What?

- What sayest thou?

- It's the last bus.

- What wilt thou do?

- Oh!

- Come on.

- All right. Let's go. Come on.

- Where dost thou go?

- Let's go.

F***in' knave.

[ Man ] # Years ago I lost my guard

Ever since it's been hard #

#Standing up like a man #

#Like a father

Understand #

# That all I do is not enough #

- #For myself I am tough #

- Dude, where is this place?

- It's coming up.

- # On myself I need to freeze #

- Here.

- #I need direction, ah, please #

#Show me all the rules, girl #

- #I just wanna get 'em wrong ##

- Thank you.

##[ Speakers:
Muzak ]

Can't we just this once enjoy

a nice meal like normal people?

- No.

- [ Sighs ]

- You can't fool people into loving you.

- Wanna bet?

[ Victor Narrating ]

Somebody saves your life...

- [ Gasps ]

- they'll love you forever.

- [ Choking ]

- It's like the old Chinese custom.

They feel responsible.

They'll write.

They'll send birthday cards.

Play it right, even cash.

Unless you let yourself get rescued by

some busboy who brings down 350 a week.

Hey.! That's mine.

So, who's it gonna be tonight?

How 'bout you, honey?

You feeling heroic?

Uh-oh. Swatch.

[ Man ]

Okay. Come on.!

There he is. You and me,

we're about to be friends for life.

- Come on. Come on, come on.

- Who knows? This might be

the greatest day of their lives.

- [ Gags ]

- One heroic deed thatjustifies

their entire existence.

- [ Gasping ]

- They grab you and hold you.

They rock you softly in their arms.

All right. It's gonna be all right.

And before you know it,

you're their child.

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