Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire

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1

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Fire

Fire

[audience cheering]

Man on fire

Fire

Fire

Fire

Man on fire

Yes.

[audience continues cheering]

Yes. All right.

Yeah.

All right. Just relax.

We're f***ing here, doing this in Canada.

I'm happy about that.

[audience cheering]

Look at this crowd. Yo, all right.

I know, uh...

I know I look like a tired eagle. Um...

[audience laughing]

I don't like how you laughed at that,

to be honest. It's fine...

It's fine that you laughed at it,

but the way you laughed at it was shitty,

you know?

You laughed like you realized it.

[audience laughing]

Ha, ha, oh.

Eagles are cool, though. They're f***ing...

You know what I mean?

[squawks] They do that sh*t.

I don't look like that kind of an eagle

that would be like f***ing...

I look like an eagle

that would be like this: Caw.

You know what I mean? Like... just tired

as sh*t, stuck in traffic:

Caw.

I've been thinking about

the way I look a lot lately

because I'm finally the age I look.

I'm like...

I always looked older than I was,

but now I'm 36

and that's a hundred percent obvious.

Like... it's... Like...

Here's what I mean by "I'm the age I look."

When I say I'm 36,

nobody in here goes like this:

"Naw." You know?

[audience laughing]

Like, I'm an adult. It's f***ing crazy

to realize yourself as an adult, right?

I mean, I've been an adult for a while,

but I just kind of... Recently it sunk in.

Here's what happened when I realized it.

I saw a picture, uh, of me

and I didn't recognize me.

I just saw, like, an adult male.

I literally saw me and I thought,

"F*** that guy. He looks creepy."

That's what I thought. I was like,

"I don't like his whole story. F*** him."

And then I realized it was me.

I feel like I look like that.

I feel like I look like a guy that would like f*** your girl

and then be like:

"That's the game."

You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry. I didn't do it.

I'm so f***ing 36, man.

When I was in my 20s

I was a completely different person.

I don't...I don't mean that

I feel like girls say sh*t like that, actually.

I don't mean it like that.

I feel like girls say dramatic sh*t like:

"I used to be

a completely different person."

[audience laughing]

I feel like when a girl says it, it just means

she used to f*** a lot, you know?

[audience laughing]

I feel like when a girl says that,

there is a part of her that actually thinks

that she was someone else for real.

She'll be, "No, for real.

I used to be a little Japanese man,"

or whatever.

Like, "No, you weren't." "Oh, really?

Then explain this:"

[mimics Japanese dialogue]

You're like, "Okay, I don't want to argue.

You were Japanese for summer

or something."

Ha, ha. I don't mean

I was a different person.

I mean I was a lot different than I am now,

and I was, dude.

Just take ten years ago.

When I was 26 I was married,

which is crazy.

Which... That's true.

But by the way, don't do that. Uh, yeah.

[audience laughing]

Well no, look.

I don't mean to bad-mouth marriage.

You can get married and it can work out,

but not if you're 26 and a dude.

That's way too young, okay?

I mean, maybe some of you are 26

and married out there,

in which case, oops,

but you know what I mean?

It's not going to work out, you know?

I mean, it might but it won't.

You know what I mean?

But it could,

but it's not going to, right?

But some of you are like, "This one's special."

And you're wrong, but, uh...

Yeah, you're not special.

You're just somebody. [laughs]

That's f***ed up.

We're not special at all.

That's so f***ed.

[audience cheering]

We're not.

We're not special. We're just people.

It's f***ed up to think about, right?

I know when I say that

I lose some of the people in the audience.

They're like, "Well, yeah, I mean...

[audience laughing]

Speak for yourself, but... I'm special

'cause I bought a vest a week ago."

Or whatever the f*** you think

makes you special.

Of course we think we're special.

We live in a society

that f***ing makes us feel that way,

right?

We're all individuals and sh*t, right?

Well, we... People told us that

ever since we were little kids.

Your parents or if you had shitty parents,

your teachers told us that sh*t, right?

I had a teacher that used to be like,

"Remember, you're your own snowflake."

[audience laughing]

As a 4-year-old, you're like, "Okay,

I'm a little bit of snowflake, I guess."

Like, that's weird as sh*t.

You carry on the tradition.

We f***ing make... You... You got kids,

you make them feel special,

you lie to them. You do.

You say sh*t like, "You can do anything

you put your mind to."

The f***? No, you can't.

No. No, you can't. No, you can't. No.

There's so many things you can't do

even if you put your mind to it.

Most things you can't do.

A lot of you guys

couldn't even get here on time.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Things are hard as sh*t.

We can all do, like, four or five things,

tops.

We try other things,

but usually halfway through we are like:

"F*** it, I'm hungry.", and we quit.

We give up because sh*t is hard as f***.

I'm wrong about this?

You can do anything you put your mind to.

OK, really? Sh*t out of your eyes. Do that.

[audience laughing]

Try it. Do it.

F***ing put your mind to it.

[grunts]

Try every day for the rest of your life.

[grunts]

It will always come out

of your a**hole first every single time.

This is you every day.

"Back to the drawing board."

That's you every day

with a high dry cleaning bill

'cause you sh*t your pants.

We're not special.

But of course you feel that way.

I saw some of you guys walk in here tonight.

You're like, "F***ing here I am."

[audience laughing]

You only think that because you're you.

That's why.

If you were someone else looking at you, you might

be like, "F*** that guy. I don't like his vest."

[audience laughing]

That's the problem, really,

is that you've always only been you.

That's the problem.

You've never been anyone else, right?

So, you think you're important

'cause you live inside of your body.

You're looking out of your eyes.

And if someone pokes you, you're like,

"F***ing hey.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Don't make me start a hashtag on Twitter."

[audience laughing]

You know how you know

that we think we're special? Because...

Here's why. 'Cause movies make a lot of money.

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