Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #10

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I was like,

"Is there maybe a quicker way to go

because my show's still on."

And she goes like this,

"Okay, come on, let's take the shortcut."

I didn't say it, but I definitely thought,

next time start with the f***ing shortcut.

So, she leads me outside to my backyard

and she goes like this, "Here it is."

"No, no. This isn't a secret at all.

I've known about this place

since I bought it. It's my own backyard.

I've had it for three years.

My dogs sh*t here.

They know about it, too."

I thought she was gonna change

who I was.

Instead, I checked into my gangster heart.

I looked in her eyes and I thought,

"Just another lying-ass b*tch.

[audience laughing]

I've been down this road before.

Betrayal is a motherf***er.

That's how you got so real

in the first place, dawg."

So, I looked at her and I went,

"F***ing peace."

And I pivoted

and I walked back to my house.

I took about three or four steps

and that's when I heard, "Hey, Chris."

I'm like, "Oh, sh*t.

She got more heat for that ass, huh?

F*** that. She ain't changing nothing.

You're still real as f***.

See what the hell she want."

So, I turn around and say,

"Yeah? What the f*** you want now?"

And this time she's pointing and she says,

"Hey, look, there's an orange tree."

And I looked and there was an orange tree.

I have an orange tree.

I didn't know that, okay?

[audience laughing]

That's a secret, but still, f*** her.

She didn't know, right?

I was surprised. I was like,

"Sh*t. How you...?

Oh, my God, you brought this

like you brought this sh*t with you."

But I played it cool.

I was like, "All right, yeah.

Thanks for showing me that sh*t

that I 100 percent already knew

that I definitely without a doubt

already had.

Peace."

So, I took a few steps back to my house.

And that's when I heard in the background,

"Hey, Chris."

"Like, she really trying

to change a motherf***er. F*** that.

She ain't changing nothing. You...

Well, you do now have an orange tree

that you didn't know about.

But that don't change

who you are on the inside.

Now, basically, you're still the same you.

Only you can enjoy a delicious orange

whenever you so choose.

Yeah, player.

Good logic.

See what the f*** she want now."

So, I turn around real as f*** and I say,

"Yeah? What the f*** you want now?"

She's still pointing, not wavering at all,

being a kid,

and she says,

"Well, um, do you want to pick one?"

And I'm like, "Man, I don't give a f***

about this whole situation,

but... I am taller than you

and... logistically, it does make sense."

So, I grabbed the orange like a boss

and I handed it to her.

And in my head I thought, "Don't ever say

I never did nothing for you.

A favor for a favor.

That's the code of the streets.

You hear me?

One day, and it may not be tomorrow,

I may come knocking on your door

and ask you for, like, a banana

or some sh*t. Anyway... bye."

I pivot.

I take a few steps back to my house.

And that's when I hear

in the background again, "Hey, Chris."

Like, "She really sinking her hooks in,

man. F*** that.

You're real. Take them hooks out.

Show her what's up."

So, I turned around and said,

"Yeah, what the f*** you want now?"

She's still standing there,

not wavering at all.

Not caring how real I'm trying to keep it,

just being a kid.

And she says, "Well, um, do you

want to pick one for yourself?"

[audience] Aw.

No, don't go "aw," f*** this b*tch.

She's changing you

and she's not even really here right now.

Know how hard it was to keep streets real

while looking at her f***ing angel eyes?

But I did want one.

I mean, they looked so f***ing good.

[audience laughing]

So, I was like, "Man, you know what?

Let's strike a deal, man.

You could eat that sh*t

and pick that orange

as long as you do it

while you're keeping it real

and you eat it

while you're watching The First 48.

Yeah, player. Good logic."

So, I grabbed it.

And she was being so cute

that, like, she was really starting

to make me f***ing emotional.

I went... I went, "Bye." I barely looked

at her. I went, "Okay, bye."

And I pivoted and I walked back quickly.

As soon as I touched the doorknob

of my door, I hear in the background:

"Hey, Chris."

And I'm running on empty.

I got no gas left in the tank.

I take my last breath,

I turn around and I say:

"Yeah, what the f*** you want now?"

And she knew she had me.

She was even cuter at this point.

She was smaller, her eyes got bigger.

Someone did her hair in the meantime.

And she looks at me, no bullshit,

and she actually says:

"Well, I was wondering, um,

do you want to come to my birthday party?"

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[]

Fire

Man

Fire

Fire

Fire

Fire

Yo, is this off or what?

It is, right?

Whoa, you've got to fix this sh*t.

- [woman] Sorry. Sorry.

- Are we good?

- What?

- [woman] I said, sorry.

You did this sh*t?

What, are you f***ing telepathic?

[audience laughing]

Starts cutting out and sh*t

like an M. Night Shyamalan movie or sh*t.

Oh, f***.

"I'm sorry."

It's f***ing... You guys f***ing apologize

over everything.

[audience cheering]

Literally...

Literally had nothing to do with it.

"I'm sorry."

"Was that you?" "No, but, you know,

the universe. I'm in it."

[audience laughing]

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