Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #2

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That's why.

'Cause we think we're special.

'Cause we'll literally sit in the theater

and watch Denzel Washington

and be like, "You know what?

F***ing that's me!

[audience laughing]

I'm f***ing Denzel in my life.

If my life were a movie,

I will be the lead.

I'm the Denzel Washington part."

No, you're not. You're not the f***ing

Denzel Washington part.

You know what part you are?

You the part where Denzel Washington

walks up to you and he's like, "Where is she?"

And then you go like this, "Oh, I don't know."

That's you.

[audience laughing]

You think you're Denzel?

You think you walk into a room full of cops

with a bunch of confidence and swagger?

Just like "So, what do we got?"

No. That's what Denzel does.

You're the guy who comes up afterwards

with a bunch of graphs spreadsheets

and you're like, "Uh, excuse me, sir.

I have a bunch of facts

that pertain to the case ahead."

And he's like, "Shut the f*** up!"

And you go:
"Oh, Oh!"

And the spreadsheets fly everywhere,

you b*tch ass. That's you.

You're not f***ing Denzel.

You think you are?

You think you're the man on fire?

Is that what you think?

You think you walk out of a car

in slow motion

with the music blaring in the background?

[mimicking dramatic music]

No. When you get out of your car,

the music stops.

'Cause it was on the radio in your car!

You don't get out on a mission

with a beautiful dove

flying out of your backseat.

And the wind casually flipping

your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs.

You don't even have abs, you fat f***!

[audience laughing]

You don't get out like:

[mimicking dramatic music]

You get out and it's like:

[mimicking wacky music]

[mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat f***.

F*** a dove. There's a pigeon at best.

And it's fatter than you are.

It can't even get off the ground.

It's eating the Doritos that fell out of your car

when you got out,

you f***ing piggy fat f***.

[audience laughing]

[man in audience] Yeah!

You're not...

You're not Denzel.

You're not the man on fire.

You think you are. A lot of you think

I'm talking about other people.

You are other people to other people.

You think you're the f***ing man.

You think that's your movie, you f***ing...

You think if someone pulled a gun on you,

you might, "Do it. Come on, motherf***er!

Let's see what you got!

Come on, show me the balls you got! Ahhh!"

No way. Neither would I.

I'm not saying I'm better than that.

Here's me or anybody in here

if we got a gun pulled on us.

This is what we do:

[groans, then crying]

"Take my girl, take my girl.

You can f*** her."

[audience chuckles]

You're not Denzel.

You're not the man on fire. Right?

Life's not your movie,

that's what I'm trying to say.

That's what makes more sense, right?

You know what life is more like?

We're all extras in someone else's movie.

That's what it's more like, right?

And you guys kinda believe me.

You're like, you know, 70 to 75 percent there.

You're like:

"Well, yeah,

I mean... Chris D'Elia is right,

but... also, ha, ha...

I'm a little bit Denzel." Right?

You know what that is? That's your ego.

That's... I have that, too.

I have that ego.

You try to live life like it's your movie

because you don't want to f***ing be

the b*tch-ass extra, right?

I certainly...

I orchestrate my life that way.

I literally feel like I'm the lead of my movie

right now.

I'm on-stage yelling into a microphone

at you guys.

I'm like,

"It's like this. It's like that."

You guys are all looking back at me like,

"Yeah, he's right."

It feels like it's my movie, but it's not.

In real life, the movie

is probably about like a couple in back corner arguing.

And the girl gets so mad

that she storms out.

And this is just a scene at the Vogue

in f***ing Vancouver, Canada.

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

I'm not even Chris D'Elia in this movie.

I'm comedian number six.

[audience laughing]

But you try, right?

You try 'cause you have to.

You try to make life yours, right?

Life throws what it throws you

and you gotta roll with the punches.

That's what happened to me, you know?

I met a girl and I hung out with her

for too long, and then...

Then I loved her.

By the way, that's what love is. That's what it is.

Hanging out with someone for too long.

That's what it is.

It's true. F*** these movies.

They glorify love.

Two people standing in the rain,

looking at each other,

not giving a sh*t that it's raining

'cause they're holding so much eye contact.

Right?

They're just like, "I f***ing love you.

Ah. You're my soul mate.

I'm so lucky I found you.

Why am I the one that's so lucky?

I can't belie... I miss you when I blink."

[audience laughing]

"Where did you go?"

"Oh, I was just blinking."

That's not what people say in real life

as soon as it starts raining.

You know what people say in real life as soon as it

starts raining?

No matter how much in love they are,

no matter how much eye contact they're making,

this is what we all say:

"Hey. [spits] Ah. Let's go inside."

That's what we say.

Love is not that certain.

If I could pick two words that love is,

it's right here: "I guess."

[audience chuckles]

Love is "I guess.", so you find yourself your "I guess"

person and have an "I guess" family.

That's what you do.

And then you "I guess" your way

all throughout life. That's what you do.

You say, "Yeah, let's get married,

I guess, and then have kids, I guess,

and feed them,

I guess, uh... every day, I guess.

And take a trip if we have the money,

I guess.

And when I'm sick, you'll make me soup

if you're in the right mood, I guess.

And then when you die,

I'll be right by your side.

I guess. I don't know. That's so far away.

Honestly...At this point, I hope I go first."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Love is "I guess."

If you're sure you're not in love,

that's not what love is.

Think about all the people in your life

that knew they were in love.

Think about those people.

"I f***ing love her.

Hundred percent know it.

I knew it as soon as I saw her.

You can't convince me otherwise.

She's so easy to be around.

She's basically me."

Right? And then a year later you're like,

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