Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #3

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"How is she?" "Oh, that b*tch was crazy."

[audience laughing]

'Cause that's not love.

That's The Notebook.

That's Jerry Mc-f***ing-Guire, okay?

And those movies ended early.

They were two hours, not 40 f***ing years.

You know I'm right.

That's why you're laughing.

'Cause you've been in love or in love now,

and know that love is up and down.

And up and down and up and down

and down more and down

and up a little bit,

but then down, down, down.

Down, down, not up, down, down, down.

And you're both stuck down there and like,

"At least we both have each other."

That's what love is.

And then you meet other couples

down there

and you, like, do dinners with them

or some sh*t.

F*** those dinners.

A lot of you guys

are probably on those dinners right now.

[audience laughing]

A lot of you guy... Look, sometimes

people think what I'm saying is negative

because I'm saying love is shitty,

but that's not negative

that love is shitty. You know why

it's not negative?

'Cause love is shitty because it f***ing

has to be. You know why it has to be?

Because it's awesome, too.

That's how everything in life is.

Everything that's good is equally

that bad. That's the yin and the yang of life.

Take anything you like.

It's equally that bad.

Kit Kats. You love Kit Kats, right?

Eat 'em up.

"Oh, man, I love these Kit Kats.

Oh, they're so chocolatey.

Break me off another one bro.

I love these Kit Kats.

Why are they so good?" They are, until:

[mimics trumpeting sound]

That's the bad part. That's the bad part.

You're literally sitting on the toilet, thinking:

"Oh, man, I can't ever eat

any more Kit Kats ever again."

It's the same thing as love. Chipotle,

Chipotle, Chipotle. Love, love, love.

Love is Chipotle.

Dude, this isn't even a comedy show.

It's a f***ing TED Talk, okay?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Oh, f*** it.

Love is shitty, and that's okay.

Sometimes if... If you're with somebody,

you go to sleep shitty and you wake up shitty.

And by the way, you sleep shitty, too.

Sometimes.

If you don't wake up at least every two hours

and think something like "did this b*tch

turn off the humidifier?" that's not love.

And then you both wake up with chapped lips

and you blame each other. That's love.

You're like, "Yo, did you turn

this sh*t off? What the f***?

You did... My...

Side of my mouth is cracking now...

when I open it like that. The bad side.

What the f***? You didn't turn it off.

You didn't turn it off. Who came in here?

The humidifier fairy came in and did that sh*t?

My mommy came over at 2:30 in the morning

and did that?"

[audience laughing]

That's what love is. Know what love is?

You know...If I could distill love down

into one moment, this right here

would be the moment of love right here.

"F***ing move.

[audience laughing]

Move over.

Look at the other side of the bed.

Look at that area. Look at that...

Stop gazing into my f***ing eyes

for two seconds

and look at the other area.

And then look at the zero area

I've got over here.

Look at that vast area.

They shot Mad Max

on the other side of you.

Tom Hardy's over there

on the front of a vehicle like:

[groans]

And I'm over here with my leg

and my dick flopped off the bed.

Explain that. Explain why my dick

is flopped off the bed.

They shot Mad Max and Dances With Wolves

on the other side of you.

Kevin Costner's over there

with a water buffalo just like:

[speaking in Lakota]

He's saying that.

[audience laughing]

Every time you turn, you take the covers.

You know you do that sh*t?

Every time you turn, you take it.

You take it.

I'm over there and you're sleeping,

but you're dreaming.

'F*** him.

He doesn't deserve them.'

And you take it and you take it

and you take it.

And you do a billion revolutions a night.

You take it, you take it.

And then when you come back, you leave it.

You take it and then leave it over there.

You take it and then leave it.

You're like a shitty f***ing typewriter.

You're a typewriting-ass b*tch.

And I'm over here with no covers.

A frigid, freezing cold dick

and my mouth is bleeding.

Thank you, b*tch."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[laughs]

That's what love is.

Know what love definitely is? This what love definitely

is.

You know when you're on an airplane

with your girl or whoever you love

they're sitting next to you

and you have that thought where you like:

"Does she really think that the armrest

is for her?

F***ing come on.

It's my turn a little bit sometimes, f***.

Come on. Ri---You know what?

Put your f***ing head

against the side of the plane.

I gave you the window seat for a reason.

Use it.

Well, I'm trying to be f***ing chivalrous.

God.

[audience laughing]

Time to kick back and relax."

Right? You're freezing,

but she's got your hoodie balled up,

using it as a pillow.

And you gotta be happy about it.

You're like, [chattering]

"Ah, I hope you're comfortable."

And you're, like,

going to visit her family

in, like, Dallas or some sh*t

and then she was like,

"Do you want to go because you want to go...

or do you want to go

because you know that I want you to go?"

[audience laughing]

"You know what?

You're asking me to LIE to you!

I want to go 'cause I want to go. How's that? Yeah.

I don't even care if you're going at this point. I am. Uh-huh.

Can we stay with your grandma?

And is she 93 years old?

And can I not understand a word

that's coming out of her mouth?

Does she only wear nightgowns even at 3:00 p.m.?

Are her bathrooms weird as sh*t?

[gasps] Sign me up!"

- Aw. [chuckles]

- [audience cheering]

Dude, bro, I'll get so mad on the plane.

Like... And I'll f***ing...

I'll make myself hot.

I'll turn on the ai... F*** that air,

the little air-conditioning, the...

The little b*tch-ass air.

Make a bigger vent. Make a bigger vent.

It's a hole. Use less material.

You---You're using more material

to be a big f***ing d*ckhead on purpose.

Make a little... It's like a---You gotta turn it on.

It's like a f***ing titty.

Know what I mean? You turn it on.

It's not even cool air.

It's just loud air.

You turn it on

and it's, like [hissing] f***ing rocketed

in my eye.

Four thousand miles, please.

Just in this circumferenced area.

Just in this area.

This is where I'm hot, actually.

Right here, I'm freezing already, okay?

But here, I'm tropical.

F***ing dry out my contact lens, please.

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