Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #4

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When I get to the Dallas airport,

I want to walk around like this.

That's how I want to walk around.

I want people to think they see Fetty Wap

in baggage claim. That's what I want.

That's what love is.

Walking around the Dallas airport

with three bags and one good eye.

And she's skipping in front of you

with no bags and two eyes.

You told her to pack one bag.

And you packed one bag,

but somehow you're holding three!

[audience laughing]

That's not what the man on fire does.

[audience laughing]

Whatever. So, you know.

I asked her to marry me. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I mean, I didn't mean to...

Well no, I meant to.

I meant to... I meant...

I meant to say the words, you know?

But... I don't know,

now that I have some retrospect on it,

it's ten years later,

I think really the reason why I did it

is because I thought

it was the right thing to do, you know?

It was an idea that I had, right?

Like, my parents are still married.

Now, even. They're my role models, right?

But I didn't mean it when I said it from...

I didn't mean it from the bottom

of my heart, right?

When you ask somebody to marry you,

you gotta f***ing mean that sh*t.

You gotta hunker down and just f***ing,

you know... [chuckles] "Hey." Right?

"Just want you to know...

life can be crazy sometimes.

But you, you make sense of it all."

Or whatever.

Whatever Creed song you wanna rip off,

you know? But...

[audience laughing]

I didn't ask from the bottom of my heart,

you know? I didn't. I just not...

I said it with my mouth. [chuckles]

Can't do that. You can't ask somebody

to marry you from your f***ing mouth.

Just fire it out there like,

"Meh. Want to get married?"

- You know what I mean?

- [audience laughing]

It's not like ordering a bagel.

You can order a bagel from your mouth all day long.

Doesn't matter. Right?

You can just be like,

"Meh. What bagels you got, sir?

Doesn't matter if I don't like it.

I'll just order another one."

That's not what marriage is, right?

To further my point, don't order a bagel

from the bottom of your heart.

That'd be very weird. Different feelings,

different situations. Right?

Like, if you walked into a bagel place

and you were, like, f***ing,

"Hey. [chuckles]

Excuse me, bagel guy.

I want you to... [chuckles]

I want you to know

your bagels are my everything.

So, can I have an everything bagel?"

Right? Corny, that's my whole point.

[audience cheering]

So, we did it. We got married and I...

But I didn't... I didn't real...

I don't know. I knew something was up.

I didn't know I didn't wanna be married,

but I knew something was up.

I was too young

to realize my own emotions.

Like, I was frustrated, right?

Like, I was...

I'd take it out on the wrong things

'cause I didn't know myself.

Like, I'd be eating a sandwich

and all of a sudden I be like, "You know what? F***

turkey." Or some sh*t.

She'd be like, "What's wrong?"

I'd be like, "You don't know me!"

I was becoming a dick.

Here's how I knew

I didn't wanna be married. OK?

Because this kept happening. I didn't realize it then,

but I definitely realize it now, all right?

It's very symbolic.

You know when you live with someone

and you walk into a room

they're in the room

and it ends up scaring the sh*t

out of you, right?

Like even though it's the number one thing

that should be in that room,

'cause it's their room, too,

you're not thinking about it,

you're doing something else.

You walk in and it scares you.

That kept happening, okay?

I kept walking into different rooms

she would be in

and getting the sh*t scared out of me.

I'd walk in and be like, "Ow. What the f***?

Whoa, where did you come from?

Hey! Where did you---How did you get here?"

She'd be like, "I f***ing live here."

You're like,

"I know. I get scared because deep down...

Deep down I don't want you here. Deep down

I don't want you here." Whatever.

Mistakes are scarier than monsters.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

That's the other thing, right?

You don't want to let yourself get scared.

Not as a young man, right?

Like, not in your 20s. You don't want to...

You want to be the man, right?

Like, for instance,

if somebody scares your friend

and they go, "Boo." And he goes:

[gasps, then shouts]

That dude's a b*tch, right?

Like, he's not gonna be in your army.

I mean, you don't have an army,

but if you did, and some sh*t went down,

you'd give him the flute. And he'd be

the b*tch ass in the back... just:

"Don't shoot me. It's not...

I'm just here for morale." Right?

[mimics bullet whizzing]

"That's not fair.

[mimics bullets whizzing]

That's against the rules.

Shoot the guys with the guns."

On the other hand,

if you scare your friend and you're like:

"Boo." And he's like,

"Come on, motherf***er, let's do this."

Give him a gun.

He should be out there

guarding the flute b*tches, right?

I didn't want to be a flute b*tch.

No way. Not in my 20s.

Not in front of my girl.

There's no f***ing way I was that secure

in myself. There's no way.

So, I'd walk in

and I'd get scared she was in the room.

But I couldn't let her see that.

So, I'd immediately cover it up

and just get mad at her

for even being in the room.

I'd walk in and just,

"Hey. Ow. What the f*** are you doing?

Look at the way you're sitting on the couch

with your knees up.

What are you, a gargoyle?

F*** off!"

[audience laughing]

So... now I'm 36.

It's ten years later. I'm a man.

I can't f***ing do something 'cause I think

it's the right thing to do or it's...

It's what I think I should do.

I gotta do something so I... 'Cause I know it's me.

I'm exactly that guy

in that picture I saw.

Thirty-six-year-old f***ing...

A man, right?

But I vowed recently

not to pretend anymore because of that.

Like... And I've been good at it.

I took a stand recently.

Here's something I don't want to pretend

to do anymore.

A lot of people don't agree with this,

but I don't want to pretend to want to go

to your f***ing party anymore.

I don't want to go, okay?

I've been to so many parties,

had fun zero times, all right?

I don't want to go anywhere

where I'm in a conversation

and I catch myself going like this: "Ah."

I don't want to go.

[audience laughing]

People are boring as sh*t at parties.

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