Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #5

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They'll just say sh*t

that they think is interesting,

not giving a sh*t about you.

I was at a party once and this guy

looks me in the eyes and actually says this:

"Hey, do you know anything

about front lawns?

[audience laughing]

'Cause I was thinking

about redoing my front lawn, you know?

Might just redo the whole thing."

Ah.

"I'm gonna rip my dick off in the corner.

Yeah. No, it'll hurt,

but at least I'll have to deal

with something else immediately, right?

Hey, I'd love to sit and chat

about your f***ing lawn,

but... gotta deal

with this dick situation.

It's off." [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I don't want to go to your party.

I don't want to pretend to want to go.

You know what? Here's something I definitely

don't want to pretend I want to have to do anymore.

I don't wanna pretend to wanna go

to your f***ing birthday party. No.

I don't care. What'd you turn, 28?

Bye. Do it by yourself. Don't care.

I'm Jehovah's Witness from now on.

For real. I'm not celebrating.

I don't---you know what

if you're 9, have a birthday party,

that's okay.

But if you're 10, get a job immediately.

That's what I think.

You gotta go to work just like the rest of us,

and you don't want to.

By the way that's the world I want to live in. That's...

Where 10-year-olds have to go to work.

I want to see them f***ing just like,

"Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm late for work."

Like... "I only got... Sorry, I only got

this many hours of sleep last night.

[audience laughing]

Hey, guys. First order of business.

[chuckles]

First order of business.

We need to get these products

to upper management, pronto.

Hello, Stacy,

can you please bring in my Capri Sun?

It's going to be a long one.

[audience laughing]

And can you put the straw in the back,

please? I never know how to do that.

Hey, guys. Before we get started...

where is the employee bathroom?

I got to go caca now."

If you're 9, have a birthday party.

That's your last one.

Okay? My buddy came up to me

this year and he goes like this.

First of all, he's 42, okay? Forty-two.

As in, almost dead.

Okay?

And he comes up to me and he goes

like this, "Hey, man. Guess what."

First of all, don't do "guess what" to me,

okay? I'm 36. It's not cute anymore.

What am I supposed to be like? Oh, ah!

"No, don't give me any hints.

I want to figure it out myself."

It could be anything.

If you do "guess what"

from now on, this is my guess every time: Purple?

That's what it is. If it's not purple,

f***ing tell me immediately.

Save time, we're both adults. Okay?

Guy goes like this,

"Uh, no, not purple. Um...

I'm turning 42 soon.

You going to come to my birthday party?"

In my heart I'm already like, "F***

this guy for even asking", all right?

But in my head, as I'm trying to mull

a polite way to decline the invitation,

I realize I'm already going like this

in the guy's face, "Nah."

Right in his face.

"Nah... " It felt good.

It felt like the real me was coming out.

It felt freeing like, "Nah."

It felt like I sang it, for real,

right in his...

[singing] No, I won't go

It felt like No:
The Musical

was about to start.

I am not going

People in the back:

He won't go

He won't go

He won't go Oh Oh Oh

I'm not going

"Hey, Chris, you going to his party?"

"Nah.

Parties ain't for me no more."

[scatting]

Maybe in my 20s

Some girl in a spotlight alone just like,

I wish he'd come

[sighs]

Meet me somewhere ellllse

Meet... [chuckles]

Meet me somewhere else

I love when they hit the same note

twice at the end.

Meet me somewhere...

[chuckles]

Else

That's such a "f*** you," you know?

It really is.

You want that extra high note.

But some motherfuckers

don't give that sh*t to you.

You know what you want.

Meet me somewhere el...

That's what you want, right?

But some dudes are like,

Meet me somewhere el...

And they're like,

"F*** you. You don't get that last note."

The balls you've gotta do to do that sh*t.

[laughing]

I don't wanna go to your party, dude.

The f***? Birthday party? Come on.

I gotta get you a gift? Why?

What happened? What? Nothing.

You just waited. That's all that happened.

You didn't die. And I gotta, like,

buy you a VCR or some sh*t?

That's what I get everybody every year

from now on.

You're getting a f***ing VCR

if you invite me.

"Yeah, did you want that, motherf***er?

I bet you did at one point."

Ah, man. F*** it. That's another thing

I don't wanna pretend to have to do, is...

Is like the gift that you got me

on my birthday. Right?

If you came to my party

and you gave me a gift that I didn't like,

know me better, friend.

That's your own fault, right?

'Cause that's all about the other person.

You gotta make sure they feel okay

about the gift they got, right?

You gotta open it up like, "What? No way.

How did you know

I wanted this specific thing

even though I never said it out loud,

even when I was alone?

And also, I don't."

[audience laughing]

I thought about this no-gift thing 'cause here's

what happened when I turned 35, okay?

My buddy bought me the gayest gift

you could buy another heterosexual male.

You know what he bought me?

He bought me pants. Yeah.

[audience laughing]

Think about this.

How can you be a grown man

and buy another grown man pants

without seeming like

you suck all the d*cks, okay?

Here's the gay part.

They fit fantastic.

[audience laughing]

I don't even know how he knew my size.

I don't even know my own size.

I always have to try pants on.

This dude literally eyeballed my hips.

He was like, "Looks like a 33.",

and he f***ing nailed it, okay?

That's gay.

It's gay.

And by the way, that's what I mean.

I mean, it's gay.

I mean, iit's gay, all right?

I am saying it twice 'cause I want to clarify.

I want you guys to know that I mean it,

okay?

'Cause nowadays, people get real sensitive

when you use that term.

Right? They'll be like,

"You know what? That's actually not cool

to use that word in a derogatory manner."

Yeah, I 100 percent agree with you.

I don't mean it in a derogatory way.

I mean, it's gay like f***ing a guy, okay?

[audience laughing]

Buying your friends pants that fit

is gay like f***ing a guy,

and that's okay.

F*** guys all day long, yippee!

But it's gay like that, okay?

It's so gay, I think.

[audience cheering]

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