Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #6

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I actually think it's gayer

than f***ing a guy. I do. I do.

I think buying your friend's pants

that fit and wrapping them

and waiting to give it to him

is way gayer than just f***ing him.

I think that.

I a hundred percent made up my mind.

I've thought about this a lot, obviously.

You can't convince me otherwise.

You know why it's gayer

to buy your friend's pants that fit

than it is to f*** him?

Because f***ing a guy is easy.

That's why it's less gay.

It's so easy.

I mean, you could f*** a guy

even if you're not gay.

Relax. You don't have to,

but... you could, right?

Like, you can't build a restaurant

if you're not a f***ing architect, right?

Like, here, look, let me explain.

Um...

If I held a gun to your head...

You don't need a special skill set is what I'm saying.

You don't need a special skill set

to f*** a guy, right?

If I held a gun to your head and I said,

"F***ing, are you an architect?" And...

[audience laughing]

Okay, wait.

And you were like, "No," right?

And I was like,

"Well, you better build me a restaurant

or I'm gonna blow

your f***ing brains out!"

You'd have to be like,

"Tell my family I love them!"

[audience laughing]

But if I held that same gun to your head

and I said, "Are you gay?"

And you were like, "No."

And I said, "Well, you better f*** a guy

or I'm gonna blow

your f***ing brains out."

You'd be like, "Where is he?"

[audience laughing]

That's how easy it is.

That's how easy...

That's why it's less gay in my head.

Like, f***... But, dude,

buying a friend's pants that fit

and wrapping them... knowing the size,

that's not easy. That's difficult.

That takes time.

Gay time, okay?

It's a gay adventure.

It's a gay f***ing errand.

There's levels of gayness to it.

Like, look.

Look, okay, I'm not gay, all right?

Never had sex with a guy even once.

[chuckles]

Sounds funny to say it like that.

Still means the same thing. But...

[laughing]

However,

sometimes I'm so tired and so lazy

that if somebody came up to me

and they were like:

"Hey, man...

do you want to buy your friend's pants

that fit and wrap them and give them

to him at his party for his birthday...

or...

[audience laughing]

do you wanna

just, like, f*** this guy right here?"

I might be like:

[grumbles]

"I mean, he's right here.

I don't have to go to the car for that."

It's so easy and that's why it's less gay.

Dude, it's so easy to f*** a guy.

You know what? You could practically f*** a guy by mistake.

That's how... No, not practically.

You actually could.

It's very unlikely, don't worry. But...

I don't mean the mistake where you're like,

"Sorry, I thought it was a woman the whole time."

I mean, like, literally a mistake like...

How? Okay, here's how.

Um... All right, so...

if you were to walk into a room

with your hard dick already out, okay?

So far, every dude's onboard, right?

Uh...

[chuckles] And... In the room,

the floor is really slippery, okay?

[chuckles]

And on the floor

there's one dude face down...

and he's just spreading his a**hole.

Even if you slip,

you'll probably catch yourself.

You'll be like,

"Whoa, that was a close one."

But there's a chance you could fall

the other way and be like, "What? No."

[shouts] Boink. Whoopsie.

You f***ed him by mistake, okay?

But there is no way in hell

that you can slip and fall

and buy your friend's pants that fit.

[audience laughing]

No matter how wet Macy's is,

it just can't happen.

It's impossible. It won't happen.

[audience cheering]

You can't. You can't be like,

"Whoa, hey, wait a minute.

Those are cool pants.

Do you have them in a size 33?

Oh, I'll take them. Thanks.

Hopefully I slip all the way over

to your Gift Wrapping Department."

So, the pants fit good, you know?

And, uh...

But here's what happened.

So, my buddy called me, uh...

who bought me the pants,

he called me two weeks after my birthday.

He called me up and was like,

"Hey, man, want to get a cup of coffee?"

And I was like, "F***, yeah,

I'll drink that sh*t right now, player.

I'm a G about my coffee.

I don't give a f***, man. [chuckles]

Put your f***ing caffeine

where your mouth is, coz."

[audience laughing]

So, I went

to go meet him for coffee, right?

And as soon as I hung up the phone,

I left my house.

As soon as I got to my own door,

I realized I wasn't...

I wasn't wearing the pants that he got me,

okay?

I didn't want the first time for him

to see me since he got me the pants

to show up and not be wearing the pants,

right?

'Cause then I would see him

then he would spot me and be like,

"Hey, what's up? Aw."

And then that made me be like:

[groans]

So, I changed pants.

I literally put on a cuter outfit

to meet a dude, okay?

That's gay as sh*t. So...

Now I got the pants on

and, um, I show up to the coffee shop

and I see him and he sees me

and he goes like this, "Hey, what's up?"

Oh!

And that made me go:

AHHH!

F*** this a**hole.

He's controlling my life with pants.

It's pants control.

So, now I'm like uncomfortable. I'm like,

"Let's just get this coff---get this over with," right?

So, we get the coffee, uh,

we walk out to the patio.

I'm with the dude who bought me the pants.

I'm wearing the pants.

We're having a conversation, a cup of coffee.

And as we're doing this,

a girl walks out of the coffee shop

she spots me and she actually says:

"You know what?

Those are some really cool pants."

I'm like, "Oh, cool." At least

I get to talk to a girl about it, right?

My buddy leans in and says,

"You know, I bought them for him."

[audience laughing]

That's way gayer than just f***ing him.

See, that's what happens when you pretend.

That's what happens. Right?

You get yourself in an awkward situation

you're not prepared to deal with

'cause you're not being you.

That's exactly what I did.

When he bought me the pants and I opened them,

I should've said how I felt.

I should've been like, "How did you know

my size, you f***ing weirdo?"

[audience laughing]

Instead I was like, "Oh, cool pants.

I'll wear them next time I see you."

I played the game

and then the game played me.

[audience laughing]

Yup. But it's hard, though, it is.

It's hard to not pretend.

It's hard to know who you are

in any given situation

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