Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #7

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and not pretend ever, right?

Like, we all do it.

We all pretend in moments.

We all think we matter more

than we actually do. Right?

We all think we're special,

but we're not. Right?

You know the worst kinda people nowadays

that think they matter more

than they actually matter, hands-down?

People that work out

and won't shut the f*** up about it.

I cannot stand this sh*t.

Bang, bang, bang, click, click. Reload.

Bang, bang, bang, I can't stand it.

Work out, go home.

You don't matter that much, okay?

All this inspirational culture

that's going around,

this fitspo lifestyle

that they're trying to convince you of.

Who the f*** are you inspiring?

That's what I want to know. Right?

These dudes will be like, "You know what?

I used to weigh 90 pounds,

but now, through hard work. Determination.

Perseverance. Never backing down,

Not stopping. Remaining focused.

Never veering off track.

Not looking over my shoulder. Never dying,

no days off.

Now, I got bigger muscles." Okay.

You know what? Eat d*cks. Okay?

[audience cheering]

Eat all the d*cks you see around.

If you're like that, if you see a dick,

you eat that sh*t.

[mimics chewing sounds] Like that.

Like a log trimmer, just:

[grunting]

With dick chips

spinning out of your mouth:

[grunting]

Throw a dick up

and just [grunts] swallow it whole.

Where there's a dick outline in your neck

and then muscle it down.

That's your new workout, okay?

Eat d*cks, of course.

Like, you're not really doing much, okay?

Who the f*** are you inspiring?

You're not running for political office.

You're not joining the Army.

All you do is move weight around

and eat extra chicken, right?

[audience laughing]

You like protein? Cool.

There's protein in my dick. Eat it.

[audience laughing]

You work hard?

Congratu-the f***-lations.

I work hard, too.

I don't hashtag it "blessed" all day long.

Eat my dick.

These guys are so self-involved.

It's so f***ing annoying.

They're so ridiculous. They'll take like a selfie

in the mirror and be like:

"Keep your friends close

and your enemies closer."

[audience laughing]

No. Not really, man. You know why?

You're not a warrior. That's why. Okay?

You just, like, have a job

at the movie theater or some sh*t.

Keep your friends real close.

Go see movies with them. It works out fine.

You don't rule the nation.

[laughing]

F***ing, they're ridiculous, these guys.

They're just ridiculous.

"You know, I... Well, I've... Hey.

Just so you know...

life is a journey, okay?

It's not about the destination.

It's about the tools you use...

and the path you take."

[audience laughing]

Oh, really? I didn't know I was dealing

with the Dalai f***ing Lama, dude.

"You know, don't be afraid to...

[laughing]

Don't ever be afraid

to reach your dreams."

Oh, cool, man.

"Don't ever f***ing be afraid

to make your dreams a reality...

and succeed, you know?

I used to be a shell of a man, but now...

Now I know exactly

what's inside that shell.

[audience laughing]

All equal parts that make me me.

Don't ever be afraid of being you."

You know what my favorite one is?

"Just be you. Everyone else is taken."

F*** that sh*t.

[audience cheering]

"Hard work. Determination. Perseverance,

Never backing down. Not stopping,

Remaining focused. Never quitting.

Fighting the desire,

but also following the desire.

Never looking over your shoulder.

F***ing, army of one. No days off.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Buildings. Robots. Carpet, iPa... "

You're just saying words, okay?

You like words? Here's more. Eat my dick.

There's three.

[audience laughing]

- [audience cheering]

- [chuckling]

Like, who the f*** are you inspiring?

That's what I want to know. I want to...

That's what I want to know.

I wanna know what guy sees that guy...

and then gets inspired.

Right? Like, what guy sees a poster

with, like, a whale's tail

breaching out of the ocean

and the word "perseverance" under it?

- Hmm.

- [audience laughing]

Let's think hard about that.

What guy sees a bunch of birds

lined up on a tree branch

and thinks "teamwork"?

[audience laughing]

Like, what guy scrolls through

that Instagram post and is like:

[chuckles] Whoa.

You ever think about that?

You ever think about perseverance?

You ever think about that?

You ever think about taking no days off?

You ever think about how you could do more

if you didn't take any days off?

Ever think about how you're an army of 1?

'Cause you're not more than other people?

You ever think about how Rome

wasn't built in a day?

You ever think about

maybe it took a few days to build Rome?

Nobody. You're not...

You're not inspiring anybody.

You know why? You know how I know?

'Cause never in the history of man

has any dude looked

at another guy's fit body and been like:

"Wow, that guy's in shape.

I'm gonna create Microsoft."

That's never f***ing happened, okay?

So, eat d*cks.

See, that's what happens.

That's what happens when you lie to kids.

That's what happens.

When you look at kids and you say:

"You can do anything

you put your mind to."

You get the motherf***er

that grows up and believes that.

He's like,

"F***ing time to change the world.

Here we go.

Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

Let's cure world hunger. Let's try

to cure world hunger. Here we go.

[grunting]

Less people hungry yet?"

[audience laughing]

Don't lie to kids.

Right? I mean, I don't know.

That's how I feel, though. F*** that.

I don't have any kids yet,

but when I have my first kid

and that dude comes out,

no way I'm saying, "You can do anything

you put your mind to." No way.

Gonna look him in the eyes.

First thing I say is:

"You're gonna fail a lot. Aah!"

And run away.

"Life's full of hardships, buddy.

[chuckles]

Your first hardship is try and find me."

Pyoom! And just f***ing...

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

F***ing, pyoom, so fast that papers

are floating to the ground

like in the cartoons.

I arrive at my next destination like:

[mimics vibration sounds]

[laughing]

[mimics sad muted trumpet sounds]

Well, I mean...What the f*** do I know? I'm saying

don't lie to kids. I have zero kids.

I have zero boys, zero girls.

That equals zero.

I've been thinking about it,

why I don't have kids... you know, yet.

And I think, really, honestly,

the answer is

if I'm being honest with you guys like I said I would,

I wouldn't pretend, but..

But more importantly,

if I'm being honest with myself and not pretending

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