Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #8

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with myself the reason why I don't have kids yet

is because I'm scared,

but more importantly,

it's because I'm selfish, man. For real.

Like, I mean... But that's the thing, man.

You could be who you want to

when you don't have kids.

It doesn't matter that much.

Right? Like, if you have a kid looking up at you

that---As a role model,

you gotta f***ing take charge and do sh*t,

right?

But I don't have to.

Like, a lot of you guys f***ing have kids

at home, right? And you left them.

You were like, "Bye, guys.

We'll be back later," you know?

And they were like, "Okay, can't wait

to see you when you get back." Right?

You're thinking about them, even during the show when

you're laughing at me. You're like: "Ha, ha."

In the back of your head you're like,

"I have a kid," you know?

That doesn't leave you.

For me, I'm selfish as sh*t.

I leave the house,

I don't f***ing have to tell anybody.

Sometimes I pretend. I'm like,

"Bye, guys, see you later.

Ha, ha. You don't exist." I leave.

[audience laughing]

Having kids changes who you are, though.

It doesn't mean it changes who you are

for the worse.

It changes who you are for the better.

But still, f*** that sh*t.

I don't wanna be better. I wanna be me.

You can do---Be whatever you want.

In my heart, honestly,

I'm f***ing cold sometimes,

and it's okay.

I'm in a bad mood? I don't have to watch myself around

cause I don't have a little kid

looking up with the angel eyes, right?

Doesn't matter. I could be f***ing looking

at the guy at the gym.

"You don't matter that much.

And f***ing, no, I won't come

to your 42nd birthday party."

In my heart,

I'm gangster as sh*t sometimes.

Sometimes I look outside of my house

in my neighborhood

and I think in this voice:

"You know what?

The streets is real out here."

And I know it to be true in my heart,

okay?

If I had a little kid looking up at me

every single day?

That would change who I was.

Just like, "Hey, Dad,

what are we going to do today?"

"Yo, man, why you looking at me

with them angel eyes, player?

Trying to keep the streets real.

You softening the motherf***er up,

dawg.

F*** y'all, man.

Making me emotional.

Go to your room, player. Now.

F***ing hard as sh*t up in this b*tch."

Having kids changes who you are,

for the better. F*** it.

It happened to my buddy. He used

to be my best friend. Now he's a dad.

That's how selfish I am.

I can't even have a best friend dad.

I can't.

I get jealous of the kid for real.

I'll be like, "You've known me

for nine years. She's 4.

How do you explain your loyalty?"

[audience laughing]

He'll be like, "I took her to the park."

I'll be like, "You f***ing never took me to the park."

"I would... I would have driven you, so...

It's interesting. It's really interesting.

Really.

I'm not mad, I just... I'm interested.

I'm not mad."

Yeah, man,

he had this f***ing little girl.

This little daughter girl.

This little f***ing...

She's 4 years old. They live in Texas,

so, I haven't met them yet. Right?

I met them recently,

but not when he called me up 'cause he...

I live in L.A. He called me and was like,

"Hey, enough's enough.

I want you to meet my baby girl.

She's 4 already and...

We're coming out to L.A.

Are there any cool hotels we could stay at?"

And I just spoke immediately.

I said, "Nah, stay at the house."

I didn't even mean it. I just said it

'cause, like, I heard my dad say it

once growing up, you know?

You know you do that?

You're like, "Yeah, I'm an adult now."

I even heard my dad's

East Coast accent come out.

I was like, [in Italian accent]

"Yeah, guys, come on over."

[in normal voice] It was like a f***ing

Olive Garden commercial or something.

[in Italian accent] "Yeah, when

you're here, you're family. Come on over.

There's unlimited breadsticks

at the house."

[in normal voice] And they came over

and that f***ing... That...

I mean, that little girl was directly

trying to affect how real I keep it

on these streets, you know?

She was looking at me

all cute and soft and sh*t.

First of all, her name is Anika,

which is like, that's so cute.

F*** that, right?

I'm like, "How the f*** I'm supposed

to keep it real and call this girl Anika?

F*** that. I'm going to call her Rachel.

That's a regular-ass name."

[audience laughing]

But you can't call a 4-year-old girl

a different name.

That would f*** her up for life.

Imagine her talking to her dad later on

just like, "Hey, Dad, excuse me.

I have a question for you.

Hey, Dad, excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, Dad, how come your friend that looks

like the guy from Sleepy Hollow,

why does he...?

[audience laughing]

Dad, excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad."

Why do little girls grab their pussies

from behind like that? That's so weird.

Don't go weird like I made them do it.

That was Jesus Christ our Lord and savior

that made them do that, okay?

If he did anything, he did everything,

including that, all right?

He did it, like, on the eighth day

or some sh*t.

"And on the eighth day, little girls

will grab their pussies from behind."

And even... And even the disciples

were like, "Whoa, already?

Like, we can do that later." He was like,

"It's what I thought of now. No order.

We'll get them all done."

And then he made lakes or whatever.

"Hey, Dad. Excuse me, Dad.

I have a question for you. Hey, Dad.

Can't you see I have a question for you?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Can you be done with that right now?

Hey, Dad. How come your friend

that looks like a cool, young Bob Saget,

why does he...?

And he knows it. Why does he...?

And he hates when people say that

on Twitter? Why does he...?

[audience laughing]

Why does he call me Rachel?

My name is Anika.

Am I Rachel, too?

I want to buy a bunny and then kill it.

[audience laughing]

Anika loves bunnies, but Rachel doesn't."

You know what I mean?

That's how that definitely probably happens. I think

[audience laughing]

[audience member whistles]

So... [chuckles] Thank you.

So, now I gotta call this girl Anika

against my better gangster judgment.

They showed up, man.

They showed up and stayed with me.

'Cause I invited them.

That's how that works.

And they showed up.

And when they showed up, uh, my buddy,

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