Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #9

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or Ryan, the dad, my ex-best friend,

he walked in first.

And this is how.

He walked into my property

and he's walking in like this...

This is just how he walks in.

He goes like this: "Hey, man."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "What the f***?

Is a magic show about to start?"

I have no idea what's going on, right?

But then I realize very quickly

that he's doing it like that

'cause little Anika

is hiding behind his leg

and he's playing the dad part

and he asks... He's asking me...

He asks me, he says, "Hey, man.

By the way, have you seen Anika?"

[audience laughing]

And I'm like, "This motherf***er.

Are you serious right now?

You and I both know where that b*tch is.

Come on, dawg.

I'm trying to keep this sh*t real, man.

Don't make me eat your bullshit dad life.

F*** y'all, man."

He didn't give a sh*t how real

I was trying to keep it.

He just tried to out-dad my realness.

He just did it harder.

He was like, "F***ing, come on."

[audience laughing]

And I'm stuck.

I'm like, "F***, man. Come on, dawg.

This your life, motherf***er.

I've been looking around for her all day,

dawg."

[audience laughing]

That's when she goes like this:

"Here I am."

I'm like, "I knew where you were the whole time, b*tch!

You're not even.... You're holding on to his leg.

I can see your little f***ing baby hands.

Disrespecting the hiding game

on my property."

I'm back to pretending.

I'm pretending again.

Thirty-six, pretending I don't know

where this little girl is.

I'm okay with calling her Anika, right?

They stay with me for a week.

You know how sh*t in life shapes you

and it changes you

and makes you who you are, right?

When you're a kid, you get a bunch of...

When you're Anika's age,

you get a bunch of moments

that shape you and they make you who you are. Right?

When you're an adult, they don't happen that much

'cause you are who you are.

But every now and then, they do happen. Right?

Maybe I've had four or five in my adult life.

I had one while they were staying with me

at the end that f***ed me up, all right?

It was where... It made me realize

that, you know, I'm not Denzel

and I'm not the man on fire.

Life isn't my movie and maybe that's okay,

all right? So, here's what happened.

I was, uh... I was on my couch watching

my TV in my TV room in my house.

I was watching this show I like to watch,

which is The First 48, okay?

If you haven't seen the show,

it's graphic as sh*t.

It, like, shows dead bodies and families

crying over loss of loved ones.

And it's confirming in my heart,

you know what?

The streets must be real out there.

I knew that sh*t all along, player.

So, I'm watching the show

and I'm watching the show

'cause it's what the f*** I wanna do,

okay?

Now, as I'm watching it, little Anika

walks down the stairs, all right?

Now, as I see her,

my adult brain kicks in.

The same brain that invited them over,

all right?

I was like, "You gotta change the channel.

You can't let her eyes see this

because she'll grow up

and kill bunnies, right?"

So... I was like, "Good idea.

You gotta change the channel.

So, I went to grab the remote.

As soon as I grabbed the remote,

my gangster side kicked in and I thought,

"You f***ing mark-ass b*tch.

You going to let this ho run your life?

F*** that, man.

You're too real for this sh*t.

She's gonna change you

just like she did her father before you."

So, then I was like, "All right, I guess

she gonna learn about life tonight."

So, I'm watching this show,

doing what the f*** I wanna do

and little Anika's gotta do it, too,

'cause it's what I wanna do, all right?

Now, about 20 seconds goes by

and I realize that, you know,

she doesn't really care what's going on

'cause there's no cartoons, right?

So, I feel her kind of give up.

And she looks over at me

and she goes like this:

"Hey, Chris."

I'm like, "F***, I didn't know

there was gonna be dialogue in this sh*t."

So, I turned over, I said,

"Yeah, what the f*** you want?"

[audience laughing]

That's how I sound in my head.

I probably said something like,

"Yes, sweetheart, how can I help you?"

[chuckles]

So, she looks at me and goes like this,

"Well, um, I was wondering something."

Like, "Yeah, get on with that sh*t."

She goes like this, "Well."

[exhales sharply]

She did that quick breath thing

that kids do.

I don't know why they do that,

but like, "Hey. [exhales sharply] Sorry.

I don't know

how to do all of the stuffs yet.

I'm not in control of my faculties total

at this point."

So, she looks at me

and this is what she says.

She says, "Well, I was wondering, um...

do you want to see a secret garden?"

[audience laughing]

At this point, my adult brain and my

gangster are confused as sh*t, okay?

I looked at her, I said, "Yo, what?"

She repeated herself

like I was the f***ing a**hole

in this conversation.

She said, "I said...

do you want to see a secret garden?"

And, you know, I mean, like,

yeah, kind of, you know?

Probably not a secret garden

she's gonna show,

but on the off chance she's right,

what is it like, right?

Are there dragons there,

flowers with d*cks on them?

Whatever there are,

I wanna Facebook about it, okay?

So, I'm curious now.

So, I grab the remote and I pause my show.

And I look at her and I say,

"Okay, show me the secret garden."

And she got so f***ing excited.

She goes like this,

"Okay. Come on, follow me."

And she starts walking around like this,

like some shitty

underwater explorer, okay?

And I follow her. I catch myself

doing the same f***ing thing.

I'm walking around my own house

like, hey, anything could pop up

around any one of these corners.

No, it can't. It's my house.

I put everything in it, okay?

So, now, she leads me

through the kitchen twice. Okay?

Yeah, and I'm like, "Yo, does she know

where the secret garden is or what?"

So, I casually mention to her, I was like,

"You know, uh... [chuckles]

we went through the kitchen two times.

So, like, what's the deal with that?

You know where this sh*t is or what?"

Again, like I'm the a**hole she responded.

She says, "I know that, okay?

We had to do that 'cause that's how

you open up the portal to get there."

I have no idea.

I'm like, "You just take the wheel."

No idea what's going on. I mentioned...

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