Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire

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'Ladies and gentlemen,

Chris Moyles!'

Good evening.

Good evening and welcome to

Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.

We are here tonight at the

world-famous Hackney Empire theatre

in East London,

ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight is all about comedy.

Right now, waiting backstage,

we've got some of the funniest

and finest comedians

who were willing to turn up

on a cold Monday night in June.

It's going to be a good night.

It's a big week for Hackney,

we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend

coming up this weekend.

The sound of a few people

who have tickets,

the sound of silence from people

that go "Bothered? Didn't get one."

Some of our stand-ups tonight

on the show actually come from

right here in Hackney,

which is brilliant,

because it means we don't have to

give them a car home.

They can walk and then we can use

the money we save

on drugs and boys.

As I said, this show is

Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,

it's called that because,

for those of you that don't know,

I am Chris Moyles,

thank you very much.

I know that might sound like

a stupid thing to say

but there will be

viewers at home tonight

and maybe even some people in

the audience going, "Chris Moyles?

"He's that big, fat bastard

off the radio, isn't it?"

Yes, that would've been

true in the old days...

fat - can't argue with that.

Big - yes.

Bastard... guilty.

I used to be that man but not

any more, ladies and gentlemen.

Those were the old days,

the days before I lost some weight,

the days before I started

shopping at places other than

Next for men's sportswear.

Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that

you see in front of you tonight.

The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,

but don't worry, still a bastard.

Yes, I am Chris Moyles.

What a place Hackney is.

Do we have people from Hackney

in the audience tonight?

Hackney is amazing. It really is

a million-and-one different things.

It's energetic and it's vibrant.

It's nothing like the stereotype

But it's moving on. As far as I'm

concerned, this place is brilliant.

It's the only place I know where

at three o'clock in the morning

you can get yourself a kebab

and then pop next door

and get your hair braided.

Three o'clock in the morning!

So, shall we start the show?

Yes!

It is going to be a great

show for you tonight,

you are going to absolutely love it.

Please welcome Mark Watson!

Hello.

Hello!

Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel

warmth from the crowd like that.

I don't come out

and do a great, big thing.

I'm aware that I look unimpressive.

I'm really scrawny.

I'm so thin it's becoming

sort of a problem.

After a show people will often say,

"Have you eaten?"

Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.

Like I've not been told

about dinner or something.

I mean, I love food! That's the

annoying thing, I'm always eating.

If someone said to me,

"You have to either give up food

or give up sex,"

I'd say, "No, I don't." And that

would be the end of that, I think.

Not falling for that one again, wife.

It's just my metabolism, I've got

an unbelievably fast metabolism.

By the time you've asked

for the bill, I've shat it.

Half the time, in restaurants,

they don't even know I've been there.

I sometimes wish I had a bit more

of a big thing I did at the start,

I'm just not very rock'n'roll

and you get to a stage in life,

you've got to admit it.

I can never pull it off.

You look at these rock stars,

just the attitude, you know?

Rihanna - "make me feel like

I'm the only girl in the world."

I know, what a peculiar thing

to wish for!

What a lonely existence - "the only

girl in the world" - that's it!

It's just you.

What happens to any netball or hockey

teams you're part of? They're gone!

It's pretty rough on people

that have been training

to get fit for the new season.

You're going to

the toilet on your own,

a lot of women find that

a confronting situation.

If you've got a niece, she's dead

and so it goes on, you know?

Yes, this is the reality of the world

that Rihanna has conjured up!

The more you think about it,

the more you wonder

whether Rihanna's thought through

of the repercussions of this lonely,

bitter existence.

God, I find it really unattractive

this, "I want to be the only one.

"Not just the best -

I'm the ONLY girl."

It's horrible, she's meant to be a

sex symbol. I don't find that sexy...

that narcissism.

If I were with a girl and she said,

"I want to be the ONLY girl in the

world."

I'd say, "I could do better

than that. I'll make you feel like

the only PERSON in the world.

"Get in the cupboard,

let's see how you like it then?

"While I'm shoving bread

through the keyhole,

"you may find that solitude

loses its charm."

I'm looking forward to meeting

Rihanna at some point

so I can run this past her.

They're all, Beyonce again -

"I don't think you're ready for this,

"my body's too bootylicious for you."

Is it? You don't even know me!

I think I'll be the judge

of my bootyliciousness threshold,

thank you.

As I sang in my much-less-successful

follow-up single.

I wish that, if I walked out and

I was rock star it'd be much more,

or anything, a celebrity chef,

you get celebrity chefs these days

that's the, comedians

are a lower status than them.

I say I like food but I'm clearly

not as into food as some people,

I watched one of these, one of these

programmes, not MasterChef,

but similar sort of thing,

and this guy was nearly in tears,

not a competitor - a judge,

just cos this pastry hadn't

worked out as well as hoped,

he was saying to have pastry,

filo pastry as crumbly as that,

is a crime.

Yeah, exactly, I couldn't help

thinking "Not technically, though."

I mean, you'd certainly be

surprised in jail to meet someone,

"Killed my mother-in-law,

mowed down three passers-by, you?"

"Very flaky pastry,

I just, it was all over."

"Get away from me, you animal!"

It's, I'm slightly sort of dazed,

I've just come back,

this is true,

this might sound like a set up,

but I've just been to the Euros,

I've just come back from Ukraine,

so it was quite fun, I do recommend

going, if you're a sports fan,

but it's odd,

there's a lot of regression,

I'm a football fan,

I'm not an aggressive person,

a lot of England fans were already

angry, hadn't even started yet.

I was next to this guy

that was going, "Why can't we...

"We invented the game," this was his

thing all through the game,

"This is a disgrace,

we invented the game!

"Can't even win the World Cup!"

That's not really

a good attitude to have,

cos we invented

a lot of things in this country,

but other countries

will catch up in the end,

we invented the sandwich,

but, inevitably, other countries

will get there in the end.

You don't go to Holland and

find people with bread in one hand,

ham in the other.

"Well, I'm buggered if we know

where we go from here!"

"Shove the whole thing in my ears

and we'll hope for the best."

We invented the flushing toilet

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