Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #2

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but you don't go abroad

and find people shitting

by the side of the road...

Well, France, maybe, anyway I, erm...

Thank you, you're going to have

a really good night,

thanks for this,

my name is Mark Watson, bye!

'Please welcome Marlon Davis!'

Yes, good evening!

Ooh, well, yes.

First and foremost,

what you can actually see

is that I got this face.

People are laughing!

I tell people I do comedy,

they're like, "I can tell."

"What you mean by that?"

"You got a funny face."

That's not a compliment at all,

is it?

It's not. I'm aware of what

kind of face that I have,

it's a friendly face.

Yeah, it isn't the face of authority.

I couldn't be your boss at work

like, "Why you late?"

"Come on, now..."

Got a round face.

I'm aware of it,

d'you know what I mean?

As well as having this face,

I got this voice as well.

Yeah, it means I'm not intimidating

whatsoever. Look at this,

you got a front row down here,

no-one's scared of me whatsoever.

I'm a comedian, I got a microphone

in my hand, no-one cares.

This is how it is. I grew up

in the ghetto, I couldn't rob no-one.

I tried!

"Yo, gimme your money!"

"Come on, now..."

"He looks like Arnold

from Different Strokes, come on!"

"Give me YOUR money!"

I'm like, "I'm serious!"

"'Course you are!"

"Look at his cheeks! Don't you want

to pinch his cheeks?"

It wasn't the life for me,

I had to go out and get a real job.

Make some noise if you've got a job.

Still got one, but you still have

those people in your workplace,

you know what I'm talking about,

people at home know what

I'm talking about.

You get those annoying

people in your workplace, don't you?

If you don't have annoying people

at work, it's you. You're the one...

at work that everybody hates.

They always say they're leaving.

"I'm leaving." Well f***ing leave.

You've been saying that for ever.

They don't go. I used to work in an

office before I used to do this.

What used to annoy me

the most was birthdays.

Not the fact that

it was someone's birthday,

it's just the big

hoo-hah in the office.

They come round your workstation

like they're ninjas.

"What?" "You need to put

a pound in the envelope for Karen."

You're like, "Who the f***'s Karen?"

"She works downstairs.

Quickly sign the card before

she comes back from lunch.

"It's a surprise."

It's not a surprise.

Everyone in the workplace gets

a birthday card on their birthday.

That's not a surprise.

A surprise would be if the boss

came out and did a sh*t on her desk.

That would be a surprise.

It would be childish,

but that's just what I am.

Every year you get told you've

got to be a bit more mature.

Marks and Spencer's is calling me

every year. It's like a magnet.

I'm repelling cos

I don't want to be like that.

But something happens in your life.

What happened to me is I got a

little baby. I got a little baby boy.

It's amazing.

When I first found out I'm having

a baby boy, I told the whole world.

"I'm having a boy." They're like,

"What are you going to call him?"

Everyone's got suggestions of what

you should call your baby.

"Why don't you call your baby

George?"

I've got an uncle called George.

I don't even like him.

I'm not calling my baby George.

"What about Alfie?"

I was like, "What black man you ever

met in your life is called Alfie?"

"What about Mugabe then?"

Now you're taking the piss.

I can't call my baby Mugabe.

You can't get into nursery

with that name.

I said, "When he comes out,

he'll have a name that fits him."

Some people have names that fit them.

All Traceys look like Traceys,

don't they?

And Nigels. That's a Nigel.

You know when it's a Nigel.

And all police look racist,

it's just... it's just what it is.

But he came out

and we called him Kayden.

I remember the first time

I was in the hospital and I held him

in my arms for the first time.

I was like, "Wow, I've got to

work for the rest of my entire life."

He looked back at me and was like,

"You've got a round face."

He didn't say it, he did that.

I know exactly what that is.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've been Marlon Davis. Wonderful.

Nice one.

Marlon Davis, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh! Funny, isn't he?

Isn't he good?

Having a good night so far?

Brilliant. Next up

we have a guy called Pat Cahill.

Pat has been doing very

well for himself.

He was a finalist

in the BBC New Comedy Awards.

He's just won

New Act Of The Year Award

and Chortle Best Newcomer Award.

In fact, he's getting so cocky,

he's not actually here.

Apparently he's just nipped out

to get some chicken.

Chicken. Yeah, go on then. Nice.

Arete de...

So I went to my local chicken shop,

right, just to get some chicken

Vous etes des animaux

Nothing flash,

just your average household chicken

Vous etes des animaux

There was 365

different types and I got stressed.

Vous etes des animaux

Spoke to a lovely man called Keith

and this is what happened.

Vous etes des animaux

Hi, my name's Keith, how can I help?

Hello, Keith,

just like some chicken, please

What kind of chicken would

you like, sir?

Just your average

household chicken, please

We've got 365 different types Why

don't you have a look at the menu?

Where is the menu, Keith?

It's on the counter and the walls

and all around you It's everywhere.

What d'you mean, everywhere, Keith?

Vous allez crever

Fried chicken, diced chicken,

Italian herb and spice chicken

Thin chicken, fat chicken

I can't eat any more of that chicken

New chicken, old chicken,

covered in a layer of mould, chicken

Good chicken, great chicken,

Carrying a little

bit of weight chicken

Chicken breast, chicken leg

Chicken wing, chicken egg

Chicken neck, chicken back

Chicken p*ssy, chicken crack

Hey little chicken why so sad

because you're carrying a heavy load?

Well come on let me

deep fry your tits off

And I'll carry you across the road

What I'm trying to say Keith

Is we've just got to strip it

back to basics

Just get a bucket

stick it on the counter

And fill it up with

some chicken drumsticks

I'm sorry, Keith, that was cheap

maybe just a chicken wing

And a chicken leg in a cardboard

box You got that, Keith? Good

Everybody in the shop got that?

Join in when you're ready!

Chicken wing chicken leg

Cardboard box

There's too much chicken

All together now!

Chicken wing chicken leg

Cardboard box

There's too much chicken

Come on, Keith!

Chicken wing chicken leg

Cardboard box

There's too much chicken

Everybody sing! Chicken wing

chicken leg Cardboard box

There's too much chicken.

Pat Cahill's here!

Sorry ladies and gentlemen I'm just

having a spot of chicken but, um...

I'm on now so I better

put my nuggets away.

Yes, this is a hands-free

microphone stand.

Manufactured entirely from a coat

hanger, thank you, thank you.

Why? Well, I suppose it's

a combination of two things,

little bit too much spare time,

and a coat hanger.

You know we've all got

a lot of spare time at the moment,

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