Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #3

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it's a double dip recession

and we're all chasing work,

so how do we get out of it?

In my view, you've got to diversify.

Fingers in pies, you see not only is

this a hands-free microphone stand

manufactured entirely

from a coat hanger,

it's also the flagship product

in my new business strategy,

the company is called, get this,

Things That Are Now Other Things.

Yeah. There's this

and there's three other products.

There's a jar of jam

what is now a jar of coins.

There's a jar of coins

what's now one pound,

and one pound what's now

another jar of jam.

It's perfect. It pays for itself.

It's called the Jam Sandwich,

take notes.

If that doesn't kick off

it's OK, you've just got to have

fall-back plans, haven't you?

The next thing is

Things Inside Other Things.

Now this is a cracker. This is

a laundrette with a pub in it.

Think about it, a laundrette with a

pub in it, a nice business strategy.

I like a normal laundrette

where you sit there with

your ten-year-old copy of Grazia

trying to squeeze out some joy

or you go home and come back.

No, in this one you put your

washing in, and then you go to

the bar and socialise.

Bloody good idea, no?

That's what I thought.

Till someone pointed out

the one fatal flaw in my plan,

when have you ever

walked into a laundrette and thought,

"These are my kind of people."

Here he is, smelly Bob over here

never washed any clothes in his life,

he's only here for the warmth,

bless him, and who's this?

It's crying Susan.

Crying Susan, crying Susan.

Repeatedly washing the clothes of

her ex-husband, and who's this?

Oh, it's desperate Alan,

cramming too many duvets into that

washing machine, aren't you, Alan?

Why? Cos you're very,

very poor, bless you.

Come on everybody, let's go to

the bar and sort it out

with some Jager Bombs.

No, it's a terrible idea,

terrible idea.

It's Things That Are Now

Other Things,

not Things Inside Other Things,

unless you're talking about cooking

cos then it could work.

Give us a cheer if you've ever

heard of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall?

Yeah, well he did a couple of

Christmases ago a wonderful recipe

things inside other things,

he did a bird within a bird within

a bird within a bird.

A turkey with a chicken in it,

a chicken with a pheasant in it

and a pheasant

with a partridge in it.

I was very impressed by Hugh,

but I wasn't going to be outdone,

so I sent him my recipe for a bird

within a bird within a bird bird.

Turkey, chicken, partridge,

pheasant, pigeon.

He wasn't happy

sent me a recipe back,

bird within a bird within...

Anyway won't bore you

with the process,

this e-mail conversation

went on for about six months,

I'll just tell you where we ended up.

There was a turkey

with a chicken in it,

a chicken with a pheasant in it,

a pheasant with a partridge in it,

partridge with a pigeon in it,

pigeon with a black bird in it,

black bird with a song thrush in it,

song thrush with a starling in it,

starling with a house sparrow in it,

house sparrow with a robin in it,

robin with a wren in it, a wren

with a hummingbird in it,

hummingbird with a moth in it,

moth with a bumblebee in it,

bumblebee with a wasp in it,

wasp with a honeybee in it,

a honeybee with a ladybird in it,

a ladybird with a flying ant in it,

a flying an with an ear wig in it,

an ear wig with a fruit fly,

a fruit fly with a green fly,

a green fly with a flea in it,

a flea with a head louse in it

and a head louse with a crab in it.

We put it in the oven

for eight-and-a-half hours,

took it out, it was disgusting,

it was like eating evolution.

Should have stuck to the original

plan Things What Are Now

Other Things,

so I did a chicken and jam omelette.

Cos in that you got a

chicken that used to be an egg

and an omelette that used to be

edible until you put the jam in it

that used to be coins,

that used to be pounds,

Things That Are Now Other Things!

"Welcome to Dragon's Den. What's

your three-year strategy?"

First year - break even.

Second year - break down.

Third year - break wind, and break

into Duncan Bannantyne's house.

And if that doesn't kick off,

you have to other fall-back plans.

My final business strategy

is straightforward...

kidnapping.

All you got to do is pick a group

of vulnerable young women,

and stick them in the back

of your car.

Just make sure you drive

a pink stretch limousine.

That way, when they start screaming,

people just think it's

a rowdy hen party.

Thank you.

It's a tidy little earner

to see you through.

Don't make the mistake I did -

to kidnap a real hen party.

In that situation, you very quickly

become the vulnerable one yourself.

Thank you very much. I've been

Pat Cahill. Have a wonderful night.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Michelle De Swarte!

Woh! What is gwanning, people?

If you're not bilingual, hello.

How are you?

I think if you can translate

a hardcore Jamaican ragga tune

to white, middle-class friends,

you're bilingual.

Simple as that, man.

So, I'm mixed race.

I have a white, Jewish mum,

who calls me all the time.

And I have a black, Jamaican dad

who doesn't call enough.

Someone's clapping up there.

Definitely not my dad -

I know that much.

It's funny, though, man.

Being Jewish and Jamaican,

I get on stage

with all the confidence

of a black comedian.

I'm like, "I can do this!"

And then leave with all the angst

of a Jewish one.

"Was it funny? Did they like me?

"Is it dusty in here?"

But I do get asked a lot

if I'm really Jewish.

Which cracks me up,

cos I'm like, "Do you know how hard

it is to find kosher jerk chicken?"

No-one lies about being Jewish, man!

Do you know what I mean?

No-one lies about that, man.

But I think, when you're mixed race,

people get this idea in their head

that your mum and dad

probably met at a protest...

made sweet love, down by the fire,

listening to Ebony & Ivory.

It's romantic, right? It's nice.

But that weren't the case, OK?

I asked my dad this,

and he put it straight.

He went, "No, Mich. Actually,

"I was drunk, and your mum

likes big, black cock."

For real.

The letters "BBC"

have never looked the same since.

It's deep, man.

I sound mixed race, right?

But I can't say it

with total confidence,

cos I grew up in the '80s,

and I used to call myself

"half-caste".

Don't clap it up, man.

Cos then a memo was sent out,

around the early '90s.

I got mine a little bit late.

Not as late as some footballers.

I got mine a little bit late,

and that memo said that half-caste

is now a derogatory term.

Guys, there is nothing worse

than someone telling you

what you've been calling

yourself is racist.

Do you know what I mean?

And it makes it hard to like embrace

these new terms, cos I'm convinced

that I'm causing my

future self offence.

Like it's only a matter of time

before someone goes,

"So what colour are you?"

I'll go, "I'm mixed raced man,

and they go, "Oh, no, no, no.

"It's called 'colour merge' now."

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