Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #4

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You know what I mean?

But it's nice to see you guys, man.

It looks like there's like a lot

of couples in here,

which is reassuring for me,

cos I don't really think we've got

dating culture in this country.

We've got drinking culture.

Yes, wooh! I think that cancels out

dating culture.

In this country what we do

is we go out, we get lashed,

we bang our mate's mate.

We wake up next to them in the

morning, we look at them, and go,

"Are you the sort of person

I want to take out for dinner?"

Then you think, "Nah.

"Not really."

You know what I mean?

When I do go out though,

it does take me ages to get ready

and guys always give us

grief about this, don't they?

I don't think men realise,

that when us girls are not getting

any action, we don't shave,

at all.

If I took off my clothes now,

I'd look like I was smuggling

the Jackson Five.

It's deep.

You know you're hairy when you take

two Bic razors in the bath with you.

No joke. When I get out the bath,

it looks like a swamp.

There's an inch-thick layer

of hair at the top.

There's alligators swimming

through that.

There' s flamingos sweeping down.

There's a redneck,

on a speedboat

with a propeller at the back,

just driving around the top going,

"You ain't from round here",

like it's a hog mess.

Sometimes, what I like to do

is use my body hair

as a modern-day chastity belt.

I'll go, "Mich, you know what you're

like when you go on a first date..

"Leave that, cos you'll be too

embarrassed to break it out.

But it never works,

cos come four in the morning,

you're dry-humping some geezer

on a sofa,

you got to break it out to him.

You got to let him know

what's going on.

What I like to do is just say,

"Do you like the '70s?"

Do you know what I mean?

That breaks it in, and most guys

are willing to go retro

for a one night stand,

do you know what I mean?

And it's all good, but then,

it's like, "Cool."

But I've heard my guy mates

chatting in a pub,

when they've slept with a girl like

me who's let her bits get unruly.

They're like, "Oh yeah, she was

nice, she was fit,

"but, flipping hell, when I

took her knickers off,

"she looked like she had

Bob Marley in a leg lock".

You lot have been wicked.

My name's Michelle De Swarte,

thanks a lot.

Michelle De Swarte,

ladies and gentlemen. Come on!

How funny, funny.

Coming up now. A man who was

born and raised in Dublin

You might have seen

him recently on Live at the Apollo,

Later, he'll be on BBC Three

with a new series of his own

called Conspiracy Roadtrip.

Please give it up for the brilliant

Andrew Maxwell!

Yay!

So, what a big year! What a big year.

The Olympics

in Stratford, East London.

Yeah!

Sydney, Beijing, Seoul,

Los Angeles, Stratford.

The Olympics...

in East London,

the gunfire capital

of Western Europe.

What could go wrong?

What could go wrong?

Here's something I thought of.

Here's one thing.

Exactly which gunshot will

the 100 meters begin on?

Everybody knows why

the Olympics is in East London,

because it's such a sporting

part of the world!

I was watching

during the riots.

They were interviewing

this fat little white boy.

He was with his big fat mammy,

and he was there, this little

fat kid, he was about ten.

He had a tracksuit.

He was almost as wide as he was tall,

like a sausage in a tracksuit,

this little fat thing.

He was on the BBC news. "The police

are overrun, they cannot cope."

I'm looking at this, and thinking,

"How can you not catch him?"

How can you not catch

Greggs - the Boy?

Big events, people

It's a big event, the Olympics.

It's big. It's a big thing.

We got big events in Ireland,

we had Barack Obama visited

Ireland last year.

Oh, yes! We had Barack Obama

and he was supported by Jedward.

It's true.

I actually had people

going nuts at me.

"Why are Jedward supporting

Barack Obama?"

People actually getting

really angry at me.

I'm like, "Relax!

It's a security issue."

"Jedward are the only two

Irishmen alive

"we can GUARANTEE

are not in the IRA".

You better believe it,

people, you better believe it.

You try and get a balaclava

over that business.

I met them recently for

the first time, Jedward.

I have got to say, they are absolute

sweethearts. But it is not an act.

Oh, they are a pair of crayon-eaters.

You can't leave them alone

with the crayons.

Good. And the Euros have started.

Do you like the

footballing life, people?

Do you like football?

You are enjoying it? I do.

I commend you, English people,

for once,

you are finally taking a leaf

out of the Irish tournament book.

Lower your expectations.

Lower them.

Lower.

Lower.

Yeah, then you will enjoy your life.

When Ireland qualifies

for a major sporting tournament,

we don't think we are going to win!

Our media isn't going, "We're going

to win, we're going to win!"

We are just like, "We are there!

We are there! We are there!"

"Look at us. Look at us!"

"Look at our rainbow of colours, all

laughing and having fun together."

The world is a mess, people!

We need to learn to get along.

Or at least

all hate the Olympics together.

We need to get along.

The world's a mess.

It is all men's fault. Right?

Yes!

It is all men's fault.

We have made a mess of it.

We have made a mess of this world.

You ladies, clean it up.

Clean it up!

Yep!

Go in peace, Hackney.

See you later, thank you.

Andrew Maxwell!

Having fun?

We should do this every week.

This next man was born in England,

then he spent one year in India,

then he went to Saudi Arabia...

Thanks.

Then he went to America, and

he is back in London again tonight.

Please welcome Arnab Chanda.

Hello. How are you? All right.

Enjoying the weather?

All right. Party!

Here is a tip though,

as it gets warmer and warmer.

Remember, it is really hard

to make an angry exit

when you are wearing flip-flops.

When I walked in on my girlfriend

in bed with another man, I was irate.

But to them, my exit

just seemed summery.

But you guys probably

already know that.

I do like it when people say to me,

"Tell me something I don't know."

Whenever somebody says that to me

I'm like, "You are going to be

dead in less than 24 hours."

Then I skip away.

I am slightly obsessed with death.

How can you not be?

Right? I think when I die

I want a bench made.

Thank you.

And one other guy, weirdly.

I want a bench

erected in a park in my memory.

Because, and this may be weird,

but even now, I like it

when strangers sit on me and fart.

Is that weird?

But no,

I am not an optimistic person.

I am not an optimistic person.

You know that button on Google.com,

I am feeling lucky?

I have never clicked that.

One day. One day.

I like to laugh, though. It is good,

it is one of my favourite things.

People like to laugh, that is good.

I do not know if this

has ever happened to you,

the other day I was eating breakfast,

and I laughed so hard that

milk came out of my nipples.

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