Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #5

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Anyone else? Just me.

Just me. OK.

I wish I was...

That would be a cool superhero

thing to have.

Milk coming out of my nipples.

My favourite superhero

though is Superman.

Always has been, always will be.

I love Superman.

I like how Superman

is able to go back in time

just by spinning

the world backwards.

Like, I can't even imagine, like,

fathom the effort and energy

that must take.

Because like one time

I tried pushing a revolving door

in the opposite direction

of where it was supposed to go.

And, like, honestly, between

you and me, like, I couldn't do it.

Superman II, that was my favourite

film growing up as a kid.

One of the worst films,

Superman III. Strangely.

And if you have not seen it,

Superman turns evil.

Yes. Superman turns evil.

What's weird is the way in which they

show that Superman turns evil...

is, uh... he becomes a bit rapey.

Just becomes a little bit

of a sex pest.

Sits down on a couch and nearly

takes advantage of a woman.

Luckily he doesn't. He snaps

out of it and he leaves.

But what is weird,

and this is the weird part...

the next evil thing he does

is he flies to Italy

and straightens

the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Here, writers of Superman III,

you can't trump rape.

Once you've thrown rape out there...

Plus, straightening the

Leaning Tower of Pisa,

that doesn't even seem that evil,

really.

It is like,

"Hey, you know that building

"that is always dangerously close

to collapsing on somebody's head?

"Superman straightened it."

"What? What the f*** is that

guy's problem, man?!"

"Dude, I know, he is a dick!"

That's it from me. You guys have

been very nice. Have a wonderful

evening. Thank you.

Arnab Chanda, everybody!

I urge all of you here tonight

at the Hackney Empire

and everybody watching at home,

if there is someone

you have seen tonight

and you thought,

"My God, they are brilliant",

go and find out more about them,

go and see them live.

Doc Brown is our next man

who is coming out on stage tonight.

He is very funny. He began

his career as a battle rapper.

You know, with the competing

in the live rap battles.

And so did I.

I used to be a battle rapper.

Sorry, no, I worked at Top Man.

I get that wrong every time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Doc Brown is here.

Hackney.

Always a pleasure, man.

Always a pleasure

being at the centre of Hackney.

I actually moved to Hackney myself

back in the year 2002.

BH.

Before hipsters.

That was back in the day when

walking through Hackney

with loafers with no socks

and an ironic moustache

could still get you shot.

It was a simpler time.

But you know, it's always...

It is the diversity of Hackney,

being a born and

bred Londoner myself,

it's the diversity I love, man.

I love it. It is beautiful.

Always makes me feel at home.

It is weird in this job,

travelling around, city to city,

different country sometimes,

I hate being in those cities where

I actually have to ask the question.

I have to go up to

a stranger and ask.

Like, "Excuse me,

where do you keep your blacks?"

"You know, your, uh...

your black people.

"Where...? Where are they?"

"Where are they?"

"Before you start pointing to that

one across the road, he's with me."

Diversity, for me,

is like, it's second nature,

this is what I'm all about.

I'm not from Hackney,

I'm from Kilburn,

Kilburn in north-west London.

Or north Wheezy

if you've got problems.

It's diverse.

Traditionally,

if you don't know the area,

traditionally it's a very

Irish, Jamaican area.

I would have loved

to have been around

when they came up with

that concept as well.

Tell you what, let's get two of

the tiniest islands in the world,

with two of the craziest inhabitants.

Stick them together,

see what happens.

As it turns out, a lot of sex.

A lot of sex.

Rivers of Guinness.

Children that look like me.

I've been lucky enough,

to be part of the generation I am,

I've never experienced any serious

prejudice growing up in the UK.

It's been beautiful.

However, the Iro-Caribbean

community that preceded me...

That's my terminology,

take that one with you.

Yes, the Iro-Caribbean

community that preceded me,

they put up with a lot of sh*t

I never had to deal with.

Back in the late '50s, early '60s,

you'd see certain shops,

certain lodgings,

the odd nightclub even, that had

hand-drawn posters in the window.

It would say,

"No Blacks, no Irish, no Dogs."

I'm serious, this is history.

Obviously, things have improved

massively today.

Not so much for dogs.

Uh, but you know,

having not experienced that

direct level of injustice,

imagine me as a youngster,

I was always fascinated by it.

Being a youngster and being

a wannabe rapper as well,

I was always on the lookout

for injustice,

it made for a good lyric,

you know what I mean?

Trust me, there were times

when I felt like it was like

me against the world.

In those moments, you've always

got to remember it's not you,

it's them, OK?

Because when you're down and

out and you're really up against it,

just remember the basics.

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this.

You're not a loser,

it's just everybody's racist.

Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Why do you think nobody

ever gave you any credit.

Why you lost on the list

of your doctor's patients,

chronological or

is your surgery racist?

What type of dog shits on the

pavement in front of your house?

Alsatian? Racist.

Say you're typing in a search engine,

trying to write haterz

with a Z at the end.

Your computer goes,

did you mean haters?

That's how you know Google's racist.

How come every time an igloo's made,

it's always white?

And Eskimos? Racist.

Tonight you know the truth

at its plainest.

You car won't start?

Engine, racist.

Your team don't pick you,

these guys, racist.

Jeans don't fit you?

Levi's, racist.

If you can't lose weight,

every time you try it,

I guarantee your diet is racist.

On your birthday,

it rained in places.

F*** the clouds,

the whole sky is racist.

You go on iPod,

shuffle in the play list,

it ain't picked reggae in a while?

Racist.

How come every

time you get to the queue,

you're the last in the queue?

Dude, that queue's racist.

Then when you get to the front, the

staff say, hey, thanks for waiting.

That's racist.

The whole Post Office are skanks,

why do you think they try to sell you

second-class stamps?

Two words - institutional racism.

You go to Nando's,

suddenly they make chicken.

You might want couscous or just soup.

Too late, man, they

already charged you.

When you're down and out

and you're really up against it,

just remember the basics.

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this,

you're not a loser,

it's just everybody's racist.

Hackney, thank you very much.

Doug Brown,

ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah!

I love that. Love it.

Our next comic has worked

with Michael Mclntyre.

No biggie, so have I.

No, I didn't, I went to Top Man,

did it again.

Almost ten years ago,

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