Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #7

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it's great, cos yous are,

yous are as miserable as the Irish.

It's fantastic, yeah?

When you want to join in with stuff,

"Yeah! Yeah. Yeah..."

Cos, like, Irish are a nation

of begrudgers and so are you.

It's unreal. Like, if somebody...

If somebody in America gets a new car

or a new job, yeah,

they're really happy. I've been

there, I've seen it, right.

"Oh, my God, totally got a new job,

"let's have a barbeque."

"Did you get a new car?

He got a new car! That's fantastic!"

Like, here...

"I got a new car."

"Did you? I hope you crash it."

Miserable...

But it's weird, yeah. Cos the kids

these days, I'm looking out at you.

It's so different when I was a kid,

do you know what I mean?

As the mammies used to watch us.

But, like, there is no Wii

or Nintendo that could ever

replace the fun you had as a kid

when I was as kid, right?

Cos kids just don't really get out

any more.

They just sit inside.

Just don't walk outside!

When I was a kid, like,

girls were segregated from boys.

Unbelievable, right?

Girls were playing weird games

when I was a kid.

They'd put elastic bands

around their ankles

and make weird shapes with each

other, right? Really weird stuff.

And they'd also be able to get balls

and throw them against the wall

and just go, "Throwing balls

against a wall, balls against a wall,

balls against a wall."

And then out of nowhere,

while doing that, they could stop and

turn to a girl beside them and go,

"A sailor went to sea, sea, sea to

see what she could see, see, see.

"Sea, sea, sea, sea, sea.

Balls, balls, elastic bands,

"elastic bands, sea, sea, sea,

balls, balls.

Right?!

And...

And what did blokes do then?

We were so simple.

It was literally a game like this.

"Nearest to the ground

"is the winner!"

"No!

"I'm nearer!" "No way!"

"Oh, I'm definitely nearer!"

Or another common thing to do

to tease the girls

was I would run into the girls'

area with poo on the end of a stick.

It's the best fun ever.

"Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!"

But I'll just...

I'll just finish on this.

Cos this is...

I've gigged all over the world,

and every time I show this,

the whole world agree with this.

But this is the most frightening

thing to ever see your mother doing.

While you're out the back garden

playing with your brother

or sister, OK,

and both of you are just having

a little bit of fun together.

And then you, right outside

the kitchen window, in the garden,

you punch your sister and she starts

to scream, crying, yeah?

Well, out of nowhere, this is

the most frightening thing to ever

see your mother do from the house.

So you punch her, she goes, "Waaa!"

and your mother, from the house...

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been

Jason Byrne, thanks a million!

Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.

Brilliant.

That is it for tonight.

You have been an amazing audience.

That's the end of the show,

thank you for watching.

A huge thank you and round

of applause to every one

of our acts tonight.

They've all been class.

If you liked what you saw tonight,

go to the BBC3 website,

there's more videos

and exclusive content. Do it now.

I've been Chris Moyles.

This has been my Comedy Empire.

Till the next one,

goodnight, Hackney!

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