Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

You know, sometimes it seems like

life is all planned out.

There's no choice in the matter.

We're all gonna end up in the same place,

whether we like it or not.

But sometimes things aren't so simple.

You can end up hurting the people

you love the most,

betraying the people

you want to come through for.

That's not me. That's my best friend, Steve.

We've been best friends since third grade,

when he punched this kid, Billy Utsch,

for slamming a locker door on my head.

That's me.

I'm Darren Shan, and this is my story.

Oh, and, trust me,

spending this much time in a coffin

was never part of my plan.

Guess I'm just lucky.

Up until recently,

my life was pretty good.

I was popular enough.

I got good grades,

'cause my allowance was tied to it.

- A's! I love you. I love you.

- Yeah, that's the boy. That's the boy.

- Hey, you.

What's up, D?

And I had some cool friends.

Hey, what's up?

Uh, not including that dude.

I mean, we were friends in fifth grade,

but he'd become kind of a freak.

See, that used to matter to me.

There was one thing in my life

that was a bit insane, one friend.

- Hey.

- My best friend.

- Let's cut, all right?

- What?

No, we're here. Class is starting, man.

All right, folks.

What you got for me?

Okay, listen,

I cannot deal with that jerk today.

All right, Mr Perfect, come on, take a risk.

Take a risk. Come on!

So, hey, I'm thinking about moving

to Mexico. You want to go?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Yeah, you're not going anywhere,

Mr Perfect.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, man, I bet you can't hit that light

from all the way back here.

What? No, we're gonna get busted.

"Steve, we're gonna get busted. "

- Hey!

- Rock. Come on.

And so the Mutually Assured

Destruction policy of the Cold War...

...was just that. Mad.

What the heck is that?

I'm so sorry.

It's that Steve. It's that damn Steve.

Uh...

Did Darren tell you he got an A

on his math test?

Yes, he did, honey. Go to your room.

You are not going to be friends

with that Steve any more!

Mom, I'm not five years old.

You can't tell me who I can

and can't be friends with.

You are on a good path, Darren,

and that Steve is knocking you

right off that path.

- What path?

- The path to a happy, productive life.

To a good college, a great job

and a family of your own.

A happy, productive life.

College, job, family!

College, job, family!

And one day, if you're really lucky,

you'll be standing here

yelling at a teenager of your own!

College, job, family!

College, job, family!

College, job, family! It's not that hard!

Darren, are you listening?

So, wait. You...

What, you told your parents you're not

gonna be friends with me any more?

Yeah, but, I mean, it doesn't mean anything.

We're still like best friends.

Okay, like what, secret best friends?

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, no, it's like...

- Look, I don't care what they say.

- Bullshit.

You do care what they say.

You do whatever they say.

That's just who you are.

You never stand up for yourself

or anybody else.

Maybe your parents are right.

Maybe you shouldn't be friends with me.

I'm nothing. I'm garbage.

You're not garbage.

You're my friend. You're my best friend.

Whoa!

"Cirque du Freak. One night only.

The world's greatest freak show.

"Five hundred years. " What the heck?

Dude, that looks awesome.

I can't go, though.

I'm grounded for two months.

Right. And we're also not friends any more.

What's this?

A freak show? This is illegal.

I hope you weren't thinking

of attending this.

Because the idea of taking

a group of disgusting,

weird, deformed people and exploiting them

for money... Not in our town.

I'm assuming no one in this class

would actually go to this.

Hey. You know that means something

when the moon looks like that.

- I read about it...

- In one of your vampire books?

I should explain.

Steve was obsessed with vampires,

and I, on the other hand,

was obsessed with spiders.

I don't know why. It was just like

it was in our blood or something.

"Back in three seconds"?

One, two, three. It's been three seconds.

Uh...

Okay.

I guess they want money.

Hey, I need two tickets, please.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, come on.

I gave you the money, give me the ticket.

Ow! Whoa!

- Holy crap!

- God, what was that?

Hey, come on!

And it's gone.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Hello?

Are you boys 21?

Are you 21?

Say yes.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Good. You don't have

a tendency towards panic,

sudden cardiac arrest or crippling anxiety,

do you?

Say no.

- No.

- No.

All right, then.

Go ahead in. Show is about to start.

Welcome.

Welcome to the Cirque du Freak,

the oldest continuously operating

freak show in the Western hemisphere.

We have toured for 500 years,

bringing the bizarre

to generation after generation.

May I present the Wolfman!

No sudden noises.

Dude, he totally just scratched his balls.

No!

- Call an ambulance!

- It's okay. That's not necessary.

Good boy.

And stay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the enchanting recycling queen,

Corma Limbs.

And now our resident hunger artist,

Alexander Ribs!

Freaky-freak, freak for freak freak.

Oh, look, a candy corn.

And next, Gertha Teeth!

And Rhamus Twobellies!

I have arrived!

Hey, nice bike!

Come on. That is so rude.

And next, Evra the Snake Boy!

Stay, Bippo.

So, I'm Evra Von Britow,

and we are Serpentine.

Who's "we"?

There'll be some CDs for sale in the lobby

immediately following the show.

Bippo! No!

Bippo, drop it, spit that out!

Yes, I'm glad you're all enjoying

this so much. It's awesome.

Evra, please be professional.

It's not my fault.

I just want to play music.

- We'll discuss it later.

- But...

And now,

the voluptuous, the exotic,

the insightful Madame Truska!

Do we have someone brave enough

to be my assistant?

Over here.

Oh, yeah.

Come on. Come on.

You.

Who are you?

My name is Fred Smith. I'm from out of town.

Larten, finish your act quickly,

and let's leave this town early.

What? I have someone here tonight.

Ready for more?

Larten Crepsley and Madam Octa!

Don't go on. I have a foreboding.

You always have a foreboding, beautiful.

Larten!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I am so excited to be here

in anonymous small town

which used to have character

but is now just a bland suburb

filled with chain stores

and surrounded by slums.

It really is a pleasure to be here.

And I am so honoured that

blah, blah, blah and so on and so forth,

et cetera, ad nauseum.

I'm afraid I have some

unfortunate news, however.

I had hoped to present my usual act,

but my spider, Madam Octa,

seems to have escaped from her cage

and is currently missing.

Use caution when retrieving your belongings

from beneath your seats.

She is very poisonous.

But not to worry.

Tonight I will perform for you

some startling illusions.

First, a rabbit from a hat.

This is Madam Octa.

Interesting fact, one bite

from this spider means certain death.

But don't worry. As long as I stay calm...

She's beautiful.

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