Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Page #3

Okay, I need the pipe.

I got a B-minus in history.

No!

Oh, my gosh, what is that?

- Move!

Steve! Wait!

What's going on?

Move! Get out of the way, idiots!

Watch out! Move!

Hey! Steve, don't!

Now I got you! Hold still!

What's the matter with you?

Whose side are you on?

Hey! No! Hey!

Guys, look, it's in his shirt!

- Get it off me!

Oh, my God!

So what have you come

to steal from me this time? Thief!

Nothing. Nothing.

Look, Octa bit my best friend, Steve,

and he's in the hospital,

in a coma, because of me.

And I was wondering if you had an antidote.

- I do.

- Thank you.

But I only have a couple doses left.

Why should I waste any

on some little psychopath?

Please, I'm begging you, okay?

Look, I'm really sorry I stole Octa.

I don't know what came over me.

- I never steal things.

- Why not?

Because it's wrong.

So then you've learnt

a valuable moral lesson.

Yes, I have.

And you'll never do anything wrong again,

as long as you live.

- No, I won't.

- You see? Now you're a thief and a liar.

What did Mr Tiny want?

- Mr Tiny?

- The fat man in the limousine!

I don't know, something about souls and...

And destiny.

And he knew where I lived.

Looks like you're in deep sh*t,

my larcenous friend.

Mr Tiny doesn't just take a random interest

in people.

And the people he does take an interest in

wind up dead or worse.

What's worse than dead?

Oh.

Lots of things.

All right. I'll do it.

I'll make you a bargain.

You'll become my assistant.

I'll turn you into a half vampire.

You'll be able to go out in the daylight,

very useful for me.

You'll do chores for me

and guard my coffin on the road.

And in return,

I'll try and keep Mr Tiny away from you.

Oh, and I'll save your stupid friend Steve,

despite the fact that

he threatened to kill me.

- You'll save Steve?

- Why not?

If I became a half vampire,

would I have to kill people?

Interested, huh?

Vampires don't kill the people they feed on.

Vampaneze do.

Big source of controversy,

war for about 80 years, then a truce,

getting ugly again, apparently.

But time's wasting.

Want to become a vampire?

It's a lonely life, but there's lots of it.

I can't make that decision right now.

Do you wanna go home

and ask your mommy and daddy?

Do they make all the decisions

for good little boys like you?

No, they don't.

Poor Steve doesn't have much time left.

Fine, I'll do it.

To save my friend, not for any other reason.

- So get the antidote.

- Right here.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

- First things first.

Let's test your blood.

What are you doing? I'm not gonna bite you

in the jugular. I could kill you that way.

Show me your hands.

Ow!

Mmm.

You have good blood. This will work.

All right, hold up your hands.

- We're going to exchange blood.

- That's creepy.

I know. But that's how it's done.

This may hurt when it gets to your heart.

I feel cold.

Lick your fingers.

Whoa, is that like vampire power?

Do I have super-spit now?

Yes, you have super-spit.

The rest will take a while.

The rest of what? What will I be able to do?

- Can I, like, turn into a bat and stuff?

- No, that's bullshit.

Now hop on my back. We're going to flit.

- We're gonna what?

- Just shut up and hop on my back.

You held your breath, right?

Did I not tell you to hold your breath?

Oh... Sorry.

Hold on.

- Why didn't we just take the elevator?

- I get claustrophobic.

Strange, huh,

given where I sleep every night.

But somehow when it's my own

confined space, it's different.

He looks horrible.

Can you give him the antidote, please?

She really didn't like him.

Be careful.

Hey, what are you doing?

Shh.

That's it, right? He's gonna be better now?

That's it.

- You are insufferable.

- Back! Stay back!

Code blue...

You have no idea

how ridiculous you look right now.

Code blue...

All right. If you want to pretend

this isn't happening, fine.

But being a vampire takes skill.

What is a code blue?

Code blue, code blue...

Try not to do something stupid

like kill your family.

Code blue, code blue, room 519, stat.

You are not supposed to be in here!

Code blue.

All available staff please report to room...

It must have hurt.

- Yeah, it hurt.

- It wasn't... It wasn't fun.

- It's great you're back.

- Yeah.

- We missed you.

Well, well, well, Steve is back, huh?

So, Steve, what you got for me?

Stay away from those brownies.

They're for dessert.

- Okay. No brownies.

- Next...

Hey, Darren, do you think that this outfit

looks better on her, or this?

What's going on?

You look weird. Darren.

Darren!

Sorry.

Sorry, I...

I was just pretending to be a vampire.

Nice room.

Some excellent reading material

you have here.

Thought this was all on the Internet now.

- Mine's blocked.

- Hmm.

Don't... No, don't do that. Don't cry.

- Honestly. Stop, stop.

- No.

- I'm not crying.

- Of course not. That's what...

Look, I don't want to hurt people, okay?

I'm not like you.

I was this close

away from killing my sister.

Perhaps you should have thought of that

before you stole my spider!

Look, I'm sorry, but you can't stay here.

You're going to have to leave them.

- Like forever?

- Like forever.

It's time to admit that to yourself, Darren.

But you can't just leave.

You're going to have to die first.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hmm?

Hi. Hi.

Hey, I just wanted to say that you guys

are really, really good parents.

You're doing a great job,

and I'm sorry for not doing all my chores

and for complaining so much.

- And I love you guys a lot.

- We love you, too, sweetie.

Bye, Annie.

How old were you

when you became a vampire?

Twenty. It was 1803, the third of May.

I'd just been left by my fiance,

Hesther Collins.

I thought she was the most beautiful girl

in Baltimore.

I saw her again 60 years later.

She was an old crone,

but my heart still beat like a jackrabbit.

Wow, dumped, huh?

So big, bad, old Crepsley became a vampire

'cause he got dumped?

Have you ever been dumped?

Yeah.

Then perhaps

you should be more sympathetic.

Here it is. Drink up.

- My lips are numb.

- Good.

- I've got pins and needles in my hands.

- Excellent.

That means it's working.

Nice night, actually.

Is that the Little Dipper or the Big one?

I can never remember.

Sorry about that.

I had to do that or they would never

believe you were dead. Don't worry.

There's no damage to your spinal cord,

and I'll sneak into the funeral home

and fix your broken neck.

Oh, and sorry about this next part.

Darren,

I hate you so much

for leaving me here with these idiots.

Darren. Hey, Shan!

- Ass wipe, are you in there? Darren!

- Steve.

Okay, time out, time out. Not about you.

We're all feeling grief.

Wake-y, wake-y.

Here. Fill that hole.

I can't do that.

I'm all cramped up. My legs are still numb.

- Can you feel this?

- Ow! What the heck?

- Do you smell a rotting corpse?

- Ha, ha, very funny.

- Get back in the grave.

- I'm not getting back in the grave.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote