City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold Page #4

I'm joking, it's a joke.

We should go,

'cause, look, we're in a handicapped spot.

Gays in the military. Your thoughts?

We'll be back

after these commercial breaks.

'Bye. Let's go, boys.

Good luck.

Hope you find lots and lots of gold.

Well?

It says, '"The band plays the way.'"

What band? What's '"plays the way'"?

I don't know. This is very hard to read.

Which way is north?

Up.

What do you mean, '"up'"?

North on the map is always up.

So, I guess that means...

we should go up.

What are you saying?

Every time you go up you're going north,

and every time you go down, south?

Now you're starting to frighten me.

Hold up here.

Maybe you should have bought a compass

instead of four pounds of tortilla chips.

Let's see.

I can't make out anything here.

Look at this.

It's all written so small.

- I know. What is this?

- I don't know.

- Give me the map.

- Let Magellan have a look.

Yes, some of us come prepared.

Can you hold this, please? Thank you.

Move, you're in my light.

All right.

Now, the sun sets in the east, right?

No, the sun sets in the west.

That's if you're in the East.

But we are way out West now...

- so we are past where the sun sets.

- You can't be past where the sun sets.

And if you think you can,

then I am directly south of an idiot.

- Which is down.

- Right.

Speaking of idiots,

it doesn't say, '"The band plays the way.'"

It says, '"The hand points the way.'"

That's a lot better, what does that mean?

- The hand points the way.

- Yes.

The hand points the way.

Look, it's the hand!

The hand points the way. The map is real!

Look at it! Here it is!

It's real!

The hand points the way.

All right!

We're going to get the gold!

What are you doing?

I'm doing Walter Huston's dance

from Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

Oh, yeah. He found the gold

and he did the dance. I loved it.

Rich, boys. We'll be rich.

It's real!

The map is real!

The map is on fire!

- It's on fire!

- Sh*t!

Get it. Oh, no!

I got it!

Watch it!

Chiropractor.

Twelve.

Unbelievable.

Also 12.

- How do you do that?

- Fourteen.

No, I'm really asking you,

how do you do that?

I don't know, I automatically see

how many letters there are in every word.

My brother, the Rain Man.

Wayne Newton.

Eleven.

Yeah, definitely 11.

Let me ask you:

If I'd actually died today,

would you still be playing this game?

Mitch, it's over.

You're okay. Everybody's okay.

I know, I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm just a little petrified of heights,

which is why I'm not tall.

Listen, Phil.

I'm making you a copy of the map

in case something like this happens again.

So Phil gets a copy, but not me.

We don't need three copies.

But why, automatically,

does Phil get the copy?

Well, because...

I see.

- What does that mean?

- It means I see.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to bed.

Listen, Phil.

Is it okay with you if Glen gets the copy?

- Fine.

- Thank you.

I've already given him $7 million,

why not a map?

Okay, here we go. I told you,

I had already invited him to Las Vegas.

What could I say to him?

'"Stand by that roulette table,

we'll be back in three days'"?

It was awkward.

I know he's your brother

and I know he's a nice guy...

but I've got this terrible feeling

he'll do something to screw this up.

He already set fire to the map.

I know. I'll watch him.

I'll be responsible for him.

I don't want anything to mess this up.

It's too important.

Don't worry. So far, so good.

We're having a great time.

I almost got killed today.

I made you a map.

You did?

Yeah, I put it in your saddlebag.

Thanks.

It means a lot to me

that you brought me along on this thing.

- Look, come on.

- No, I mean it, you know.

It reminds me of...

Remember when Mom would force you to

take me to the movies with your friends?

She never forced me.

She'd just say if I didn't,

she'd hang herself with the good towels.

But you were really nice about it.

I remember you gave me

my own personal box of Milk Duds...

and you'd take me to the bathroom...

during the best part of the movie.

And you let me sit next to you.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

What do you do?

What do I do?

Sometimes we don't hear from you

for months.

I do a lot of things.

Sales, mostly.

For a while I was an animal detective.

What is that? A poodle calls and says,

'"My wife's fooling around with a bulldog'"?

No.

Once, by accident, I found a dog

and called the owner.

He gave me $100.

So I made a business out of it.

I'd find lost dogs and call the owners.

People paid big ransom.

- Ransom! My God...

- '"Ransom'" is a bad choice of words.

That's the word they used in court,

but I'm still fighting it.

Good for you.

There's Phil's horse.

Where's Phil?

- You all right?

- I'll just be a second.

Yeah, right.

He must be having trouble.

Relax, don't strain!

Oh, my God.

Too many tortilla chips.

I was bit by a rattler!

Mitch, help!

A snake!

A rattler!

He bit me on the ass.

God, I'm going to die!

Hold on.

Somebody, suck out the poison. Please!

- He's your friend.

- Yeah, but you slept with his sister.

I'm losing feeling.

Can't we wait till the poison travels up?

I understand. Glen, suck on his ass.

What?

I can't speak.

My tongue's numb.

I've done you a million favors,

and one time I ask you to do something...

And the one time is sucking poison

out of your friend's ass? Forget it!

I'm blind.

Where are you?

I'm here, Phil.

Don't worry, Phil, I'm going to do it.

But I am not going to forget this, Glen.

Mitch, please...

don't tell my kids I died taking a sh*t.

Okay.

Hurry.

Would you suck, already?

That is not a snakebite.

You sat on a cactus.

You sat on a cactus.

I felt the sting, I saw that snake,

and I remembered what those guys said...

I though I was really going to die.

- It's over, you're okay.

- You were going to do it.

You were going to suck on my ass.

It's over.

- You're my friend, Mitch.

- Sure I am.

You really care about me!

It's okay, Phil.

He gets a little emotional.

We used to be that close.

Oh, God.

Let's get that gold!

I want that gold!

'"This is the business we've chosen.'"

Batting third, and playing center field...

Number 7, Mickey Mantle.

I can't see.

How does the TV know what to record?

Because you've told the VCR,

and once you tell the VCR...

- It tells it?

- Yeah, you don't tell the TV anything.

The VCR does all the work.

It's a great convention, honey. I love...

Hello?

Phil, is this beef jerky or turkey jerky?

Does it really matter?

How do they make it, anyway?

Jerky? It's an interesting process.

Take a really good piece of meat...

then a New York City cab driver

sits on it for four months.

How will those two laughing idiots

we rented this stuff from feel...

when we bring back all that gold?

The looks on those faces,

those tobacco-chewing, gun-rack-having...

chicken-screwing, sister-marrying,

abandoned-toilet-seat-in-the-yard-having...

vitamin-deficiencied, ugly faces.

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