Clerks Page #39

DANTE:

I jacked the car up. All she did was

loosen the nuts and put the tire on.

JAY:

Damn. She sure goes out of her way.

DANTE:

She's my girlfriend.

JAY:

I've had girlfriends, but all they

wanted from me was weed and sh*t.

(beat)

Sh*t, my grandma used to say, "Which

is better:
a good plate with nothing

on it..." No, wait. I f***ed up. She

said "What's a good-looking plate

with nothing on it?"

DANTE:

Meaning?

JAY:

I don't know. She was senile and

sh*t. Used to piss herself all the

time. C'mon Silent Bob.

Exit JAY. SILENT BOB stands there.

SILENT BOB:

You know, there's a million fine-

looking women in the world, but they

don't all bring you lasagne at work.

Most of them just cheat on you.

SILENT BOB leaves. DANTE shuts his eyes tightly and rubs the

bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as if in

deep concentration. He suddenly snaps his eyes open.

DANTE:

(nearly surprised)

He's right. I love her.

CUT TO:

INT:
VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

RANDAL has a heart-to-heart with VERONICA.

RANDAL:

So that's it. He doesn't love you

anymore. He loves Caitlin.

VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.

VERONICA:

And... he told you all of this?

RANDAL:

Pretty much. All except the latent

homosexuality part-that's just my

theory.

VERONICA:

I... I don't know what to say.

RANDAL:

Don't hold it against him. He just

never got Caitlin out of his system.

It's not your fault. It's Dante.

(beat)

I don't know thing one about chicks.

Do you want to cry or something? I

can leave.

VERONICA:

I'm not sad.

RANDAL:

You're not?

VERONICA:

No, I'm more furious. I'm pissed

off. I feel like he's been killing

time while he tries to grow the balls

to tell me how he really feels, and

then he can't even do it! He has

his friend do it for him!

RANDAL:

He didn't ask me to...

VERONICA:

After all that I've done for that

f***! And he wants to be with that

slut? Fine! He can have his slut!

RANDAL:

Um, do you think you can give me a

lift home tonight?

VERONICA:

(oblivious of RANDAL)

I'm going to have a word with that

a**hole.

VERONICA storms out.

RANDAL:

Wait! Veronica... I don't think...

RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.

RANDAL:

(to customer)

What am I worried about? He'll

probably be glad I started the ball

rolling. All he ever did was complain

about her anyway. I'm just looking

out for his best interests. I mean,

that's what a friend does, am I right?

I did him a favor.

CUSTOMER:

(sees box on counter)

Oooh! Navy Seals!

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE is on the ground holding his knee. VERONICA stands

above him.

DANTE:

What the f*** did you do that for?

VERONICA:

If you didn't want to go out with me

anymore, why didn't you just say it?

Instead, you pussyfoot around and

see that slut behind my back!

DANTE:

What're you talking about?

VERONICA:

(kicks him)

You've been talking to her on the

phone for weeks!

DANTE:

It was only a few times...

VERONICA:

And then you pull that sh*t this

morning, freaking out because I've

gone down on a couple guys!

DANTE:

A couple...?

VERONICA:

(throws purse at him)

I'm not the one trying to patch things

up with my ex, sneaking around behind

your back! And if you think that

thirty-seven d*cks are a lot, then

just wait, mister: I'm going to put

the hookers in Times Square to shame

with all the guys I go down on now!

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