Conan O'Brien Can't Stop

---

I think these people

get on these cars

thinking they're gonna see...

"There's Brad Pitt.

He's sweeping off the sidewalk

in front of his house. Hey, there, Brad."

Hey, it's me, Conan O'Brien

from "The Tonight Show"! Hi!

I should have said,

"Formerly of 'The Tonight Show."'

O'Brien was announced

as Leno's "Tonight Show" successor

back in 2004,

and five years later,

his "Tonight Show" premiered.

But the network suits wanted to keep

the still-popular Jay Leno,

so they had an idea...

create a new prime-time talk show

for Jay Leno at 10:00 P.M.

That way they hold on to both

of their hosts and save money

on producing

original scripted programming.

But the experiment failed.

Critics panned Leno's show,

and the ratings went way down.

And Conan's "Tonight Show" ratings

were disappointing, as well.

So, they came up with another idea...

push the whole lineup later.

So, Jay Leno's show would go on

in the "Tonight Show" slot,

and "The Tonight Show"

would follow at 12:05 A.M.

I didn't want to be

the first "Tonight Show" host

to take "The Tonight Show"

into the next day,

so I said that didn't

really work for me.

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Jay Leno's show has got to go!

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Jay Leno's show has got to go!

Hey, hey!

Jay is a liar!

He said he'd retire!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

I am prohibited

from being on television right now,

contractually, for the next 5, 6 months.

What if I could just go

out there and see these people

who were so nice and supportive

and put on a show for them?

And now it's... it's this.

It's... I don't know, 44 dates,

starting April 12th.

I'm 46, and what do I do now?

What else do I have to say?

And it's just trying

to figure that out right away,

and so the tour will be interesting, 'cause

I don't quite know what it's gonna be.

I just know that I've always liked

being in front of an audience.

That's all I know, is I really like

being in front of an audience.

You haven't stopped at all.

You started thinking about this

the day after your final "Tonight Show."

Day... the day of. Yeah.

Why do you think that is, and what

would that mean for you to stop?

I don't know

what it would be like to stop.

What do you mean, stop?

What does that even mean?

Really, my main goal for this

is to have some fun.

Do you think you could have fun

without an audience in front of you?

- We're in E, right?

- Yeah.

I really have fun

when I'm with the... with writers

or when I'm with musicians

and we're working things out.

Then I'm content.

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Hi, everybody.

- Hey!

- Did the eating already happen?

- It just happened.

I had an idea a couple days ago,

which was striking me as kind of funny,

which is go out and say,

"As you know, there are, whatever,

the seven stages of grief

that people go through."

It turns out there are seven stages

that you have to go through

when you lose your television show.

The first one is denial.

The last stage is

you get your ass to Cleveland.

Like, you make them the last stage.

"We're from Cleveland!"

Now, the whole point of this tour

was let's have some fun.

Yeah, get him. Hit him.

If there's ever been a time

in my life to just say...

Whoo, whoo!

"To hell with it," it's now.

We're about to start a 32-city tour,

and it's coming up fast, gang.

"Hey, Conan, how'd the fight go?"

"it went pretty good, I guess."

And you guys are worried about me

filling an hour and a half.

Just have fun and feel it.

You guys know enough about...

Yeah.

And we're doing this where,

you know, we're playing it like

I just, you know... I've never

had backup singers in my life.

This is my dream, and then these

two beautiful backup singers come out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time ever, the Coquettes!

Yeah.

Polk salad

Polk salad

Gonna have me a mess of

Yeah, yeah

Polk salad

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Gonna have me a mess of

Yeah, yeah

Gonna have some Polk salad

Yeah, yeah

Gonna have me a mess of

Yeah, yeah

Gonna have some Polk salad

Come on, ladies! Like me!

Da Na Na Na Na

D-a-a-a

You are not playing.

What's that?

- You are not playing.

- No.

It's like the Michael Jackson movie.

- Let's try these two.

- I think these two.

- It's...

- Let's do it.

I want my own show again

Oh, I really can't wait

to have my own show again

Oxygen Network, give me a call

if you're listening

I can't wait to have

my own show again

I can't wait to get

my own show again

Jesus Christ!

I can't wait to get

my own show again

Change it in the middle.

Then it just starts to

become this bitter...

It'd actually be funny to have it start

as "On the Road Again"

and then morph

into "I cannot wait for this"...

Comedy people, check this out

and see if I need to be pulled

over and given a ticket

or if we can possibly get away with this.

You want to sit over there,

Zack, on the floor?

We were playing

"On the Road Again,"

which is a song, you know...

On the road again

Just a fun song,

and I'd like to start it out

as "On the Road Again,"

and then we come back

and I go

My own show again

I can't wait to have

my own show again

Give me a second.

Something with "at 10:00," like, the time.

Yeah.

I'd even take a primetime show

that's on at 10:
00

I just want to be on the...

There's fuel there because...

I am angry.

I'm really angry at times.

I'm trying not to be,

but I'm really, really angry about...

and I just have to be honest...

I'm very angry about the way

that I was treated,

and I'm a person who's...

I'm the least entitled person

you'll meet in the world.

I don't think I was entitled

to "The Tonight Show."

I don't think I'm entitled

to success in show business,

but I'm just...

sometimes I'm so mad,

I can't even breathe.

And I do think that this show

is some sort of,

at least, positive expression,

because all that... there's all

that steam energy of being angry,

and so it comes out

a little bit in performance.

You can get out there

and talk to people

at least about being unemployed,

being legally prohibited

from being on television,

which is gonna be something

I talk about.

You can have the...

I can play the executives.

And while that's not

any one particular person,

it definitely is me saying

to the whole idea

of non-creative people

screwing over people

that feed their bone marrow

into the wood chipper of television,

"F*** you," you know.

That's part of it.

I don't know what this was.

Jeff just told me to sign...

to have you sign this.

Okay. He didn't say where or anything?

Did you want to...

No, I think...

No, no, I don't need to read it.

God knows I stopped reading things

I signed a long time ago.

Are there any, of all

the TV executives, like this at NBC?

I don't know. I haven't

thought about them in a while.

There are some

follicly challenged executives, I'm sure.

But... but, really,

this represents no one person.

It represents two people.

Or make it three.

Um, hey, Sweeney,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes