Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #2

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should we talk about how much

I want to look or not look like...

Hello, there!

I'm a generic network executive.

My name is...

I thought I'd stop in tonight

and check out

your pathetic little show

in your pathetic little city.

Is someone walking

in and out of the door?

Please, someone.

We need someone to guard the door.

Gonna announce this thing,

and then it's just time

for the nausea and the self-doubt

and the fear to take over.

That's the fun part.

All right, I'm gonna... where am I

gonna be doing this from?

You're gonna have to set it up

for me to submit.

Wherever you want.

Well, we're gonna do it

from your microcomputer.

It was made in Micronesia.

Are you...

do you want to pull it up?

No. Do it on the...

We're gonna do it early.

We're gonna do it right now.

I can't believe I'm here for this.

- Hit it.

- Good luck.

Hey, Internet, I'm headed to your town

in a half-assed comedy/music tour.

I repeat, it's half-assed.

It's in God's hands now.

What time is it? 7:20.

- By 7:
40, I'm out of the business.

- Sure.

The promoter in New York's telling me

the first Radio City show is sold out.

- It's what?

- So, everything's starting to go, huh?

So, when do you think we're adding

the second show in Radio City?

Both shows in Chicago and the one show

in Minneapolis are officially sold out.

700 tickets shy of selling out

the second show at Radio City.

Holy smokes.

Jesu...

Toronto will sell out today for sure.

Minneapolis will be done today.

- The West Coast stuff is a little slower...

- Right.

- Because it's early.

- Yes.

Uhh... It's great.

2,000 tickets already sold

on the second show in Chicago.

The teamcoco.com site

is taking too long to load.

Oh. Well, it's getting crushed, I'm sure.

Yeah.

Cynthia just got the tweet.

She can't get onto the site.

"The site right now is jammed with traffic.

You can't get on, go to Ticketmaster."

Let's write that up and send it out.

I think it's jammed with traffic... yes.

You're all dressed!

Nothing motivates you

to figure out what your show is

like selling a whole bunch

of tickets... to it.

After the band's done

their first two songs,

they stop playing, the place gets quiet,

all the lights go out, and we go.

You see, my daddy

was lazy and no-count

He claimed he had a bad back

And all my brothers was good for

Watermelons out of my tool sack

We got... we're close.

I love staring into this black void

and getting no response.

What are you doing there?

A Brookstone catalog going on?

What are you doing? I'll buy it for you.

Let's come on.

You guys okay with the audio?

I'm not getting any response from anybody.

It's just looking into a pit.

All right.

Well, enjoy your death star.

I'm trying... you had

a problem with the audio,

and I'm trying to determine

if that's been set.

It's just a question of the mix

when you're playing...

I just wanted to see you stand up.

I appreciate it. Let's go.

I had this idea that I've talked about,

which is to wear... wear a suit

that's an exact replica

of the one that Eddie Murphy wore

in "Raw."

Bend over.

Touch your knees, please.

Monday, I think

I'm getting fitted for it.

Daddy, you look silly.

F***, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I don't even think

I can sit down in this outfit.

Well, it would be interesting to see you

try and sit in a bean bag chair.

Oh.

Is that a butter sauce?

Can you see

if you can find Sona?

Look at that fish.

I think that's butter sauce.

What'd it say

when you ordered it?

I just need just a simple piece

of grilled fish.

Sorry to have

to let you go over this.

Oh. I think the restaurant

just messed up, 'cause...

Either way, you're losing

your job over this.

I really do not want to lose my job.

That's what people

who lose their job say.

Who says,

"I'm glad I'm losing my job"?

- I think I could be good.

- Yes?

We have another one coming.

I just sent the other runner.

- Did you get me a new assistant?

- I'm trying to keep my job.

Do you mean

a new assistant coming?

That's cool.

I'm just trying to keep my job.

It's fine. This happens often.

With ordering food out on tour,

you have to check everything.

We can't... It's just...

Oh, so Sona should check things?

- Oh.

- No, no, no. Like...

Gus, I can't believe you would...

- No, I'm not throwing her under the bus.

- Gus, you're missing the point.

I want you to throw Sona

under the bus.

It gives me joy.

Tony can tell you what happened,

but it's gonna be fine.

- Over half the time, I do it right.

- Yeah.

That's great.

If you were an airplane pilot,

there'd be a lot of dead people out there.

And I'm trying to keep it lean,

and she keeps going out

and getting me fish that lived in butter.

It actually lived

and grew up in butter.

But you're gonna be fine.

I said no butter.

Usually I'm at a certain weight

and then when I went off TV...

There was a period there of...

Just... no, that's okay.

Of just, like, cheese popcorn.

There was, like, what I call

my "f*** it" period.

"F*** them. F*** them.

They're crazy."

Oh, God.

Hello? Job'?

Tell me it's a job.

I'm still... we're making it up.

First you got to sell tickets.

We did that.

That's the hard part.

Then you come up with a show.

Apple's new iPad will be declared

the most revolutionary device

of the last 50 years

by the editors of

Things to Snort Cocaine Off Of magazine.

Oh, the TBS thing is at 4:00.

We find out how real that is,

if that's really happening.

Yeah, we're not going on TBS.

When is our meeting on Oxygen, Jeff?

All I know is that Sona

hears these things

and then moves

heaven and earth to make sure

that we cancel our rehearsals

so that you and I drag our asses to TBS.

And then it's USA.

My scheme is for Animal Planet.

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen,

I know you're glad

to see the masturbating bear,

but there is a problem.

The masturbating bear

is legally the property of NBC.

Ladies and gentlemen,

say good-bye to the masturbating bear

and say hello

to a brand-new character

that you're gonna see tonight

for the first time,

our own self-pleasuring panda.

Guys, guys, there's a problem here.

When I say, "the self-pleasuring panda,"

he never seems to know to go,

and then you guys keep playing,

so nothing happens.

- Can the actor who's playing... who is it?

- Blake.

Blake, can you not hear me

when I say, "the self-pleasuring panda"?

- What's that?

- Oh, f*** you.

Kiss LaBamba.

And then we cut to LaBamba.

Hold it. Hold it. That's important.

If we don't have the cut to Loco

Richie there, then we got nothing.

It's got to be LaBamba. Bang.

This thing's a train wreck.

Oh, I just rubbed this microphone

into my leaking eye.

Sorry. Seriously,

no one touch this microphone.

There's eye discharge on the mike.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Left and right, chopaholics.

I want these f***ing people...

It's like bang, bang,

bang, bang, bang.

And I was trying

to make it happen today,

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