Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #3

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and you thought,

"Oh, he's insulting me."

- I know that.

- Check it out, guys.

Hello? Hello?

Banana Company.

F***.

F***. That's what he did.

No, there's no support here.

I went out on a limb

with Banana Company.

Hey, telephone call for you.

Pick it up.

- Hello? Banana Company.

- Yes!

I like using human puppets.

Can I ask a question about...

That was just to look

at all of 'em.

Yeah, we're not sure

if we're gonna do them all.

And from now on... and I'm not

even kidding about this...

when you want to speak, you have to talk

into the banana telephone.

- I'm not gonna talk into the banana.

- You have to.

Guys, Sona's on. Sona's got something

to say. What is it, Sona?

- This is really demeaning.

- Yes. Yes. I don't know why...

You're asking me

to talk into a banana.

I just did it seven times,

and you're too good to do it?

This is not a good work environment. What's

happening right now is not healthy for me.

We lost two songs,

"Seduce You" and "Creep."

Matt, what do you got?

Oh, yeah. Matt, make a suggestion

in the banana phone.

Does everyone like

"On the Road Again"?

I was just throwing it out there.

- You know.

- Well, guess what I'm doing...

- Throwing it back.

- Okay.

Okay? You're a guy

that works in the Louvre,

You saw the Mona Lisa,

and you tossed it out the window.

Luckily, I came by, saw it,

and brought it back, okay?

And you're like, "Well, I was

just throwing it out there."

You threw the Mona Lisa

out of the Louvre, you idiot.

You think doing

"On the Road Again" is the Mona Lisa?

- And this is the Louvre?

- Yes.

- All right.

- Yes. I like that.

And I'm sick of people saying

that I'm drunk with power,

that I've lost my perspective.

Who says that?

- Can I talk?

- Yes.

Ohh!

Now she comes over.

You had asked me earlier...

I can't hear you.

- You asked me earlier...

- Hold it.

- Just hold it.

- Can't concentrate.

So, we lost about 16 minutes

with all that stuff,

so it's about a minute, 13 now.

I mean an hour, 13.

You said a minute, 13,

and you said it into a banana.

I am extremely hard on myself.

Sometimes that spills

onto other people,

you know, because

I'm that hard on myself,

and then when things

aren't quite right,

I'm making these jokes

that have an edge to them

that are, like,

to Mike Sweeney, the head writer,

to Jeff Ross, like, "Oh, really?

So, that's the best we could do?"

Or this.

And they're little jabs.

And they're jokes with

quotation marks around them...

Just stretching out.

But it's me trying to keep... I'm trying

to keep everything in the stew pot.

I'm trying to just keep it all, you

know, there and not have it spill out.

Um, want to... want to oil that?

Um... See? That's an example.

That's me letting my wife know

I find that irritating.

But it's all fun and joking.

And she's gonna leave me,

and it's a 50/50 state, California.

How does the crowd look?

Who are they?

What will we learn?

What will we learn?

You'll learn

what comedy bits work.

Not necessarily.

That's actually true. Sorry.

'Cause you're doing

a lot of Eugene references.

You learn what former

"Tonight Show" staffers like.

What's your prediction?

Will they like what we're serving up?

Yes. I think so.

Why wouldn't they?

I don't know.

Thank you very much!

Everybody, please sit down!

Thank you for being here,

people that used to work for me.

That was great

coming out here right now,

'cause I'm gonna be

really honest with you.

I'm like Tinker Bell.

Without applause, I die.

Polk Salad Annie

Annie

Gators got your granny

Gators got your granny

Not having any of it.

Not having any of it.

I wanted to thank everybody

for being here tonight.

We're trying out a lot of stuff.

We know that I'm trying out...

throwing a million things at you,

and we appreciate people

coming all the way here

and being an audience

for us tonight.

So, thank you so much

for doing that.

I appreciate it

from the bottom of my heart.

Okay, everybody,

thank you very much!

- How are you?

- I was talking to Eddie Haskell.

- Oh... oh.

- Yes.

So, we got fixes and things to do,

but what'd you think?

It felt like... I think the energy you're

gonna encounter is not a seated energy.

- Do you know what I mean?

- Right.

How'd it feel?

Have you talked to the kids?

No. Mnh-mnh.

Are we gonna tell them that I'm gonna be

taking some trips to go do my show

but I'm gonna call them and...

- They know their old man's in vaudeville.

- That's right.

You know what Daddy has to do?

- I think I have to get ready to leave.

- Okay.

Daddy has to go and get

on the plane and go to... where?

Do you remember where I'm going?

Can I call you on the iChat?

- Who's gonna operate the computer iChat?

- We will operate.

In improvisational acting,

there's this great rule

that I've used in my life,

which is act as if.

Act as if this is completely normal.

Call me Conan, please.

Of course I'm supposed to be

interviewing Barack Obama

or of course I'm supposed to be

playing guitar with Bruce Springsteen.

And, of course,

there's a big part of you inside

that's saying,

"What are you talking about?"

This doesn't feel completely real.

It doesn't feel completely real to me.

This is just an extension of replacing

David Letterman at the age of 30.

How's that first show gonna go?

What do you think, Sona?

I think it's gonna go really well.

I think I saw a sign

that said Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Sheboygan?

I kill 'em in Sheboygan.

Let's push this crowd back.

This is...

I need room here.

Everyone, give me some room.

Get these people back!

I want everyone back!

No! No photos!

For security reasons,

I think we should change our hotels

at the last second.

Right. To something

twice as expensive.

Yeah. It's something I learned

from Saddam Hussein.

Yeah.

All right, sir.

- At what time...

- Good luck, man.

- Hey, thank you very much.

- You got a raw deal, man.

- We're with you.

- Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Conan, you got the shaft, brother.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'm okay.

I love how we got here early

so you could go out and get recognized.

Get the f*** out of here.

I didn't do that.

You're speaking tomorrow, right?

- Yes, yes.

- I hope it goes well.

It'll be more than speaking.

Why don't you just go?

Hi!

', guys.

Make it bigger.

Hi, Daddy.

Can you guys hear me?

Hello?

This thing is no good.

That's their actual reaction to you.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Daddy, you can...

They're usually more animated.

Did you call your folks and tell 'em

you're here all right and everything?

Oh, hi, Mom. How you doing?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in Eugene.

I have my own room.

I'm at the Hilton.

It was cool, Mom.

I was a baller.

- What?

- Private planes.

Tell your mother I don't understand

half of what you're saying.

Oh, Conan doesn't understand

how I speak sometimes.

?

Okay.

All right, dude.

Dude? Who calls...

All right, Mom. I love you.

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