Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #4

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I'll talk to you soon.

Do you know

which way we're heading?

No.

Should I be worried

that we're opening in a town

where nobody lives?

I don't see anybody.

There's nobody here.

Okay-

It's gonna be all right.

They'll show up.

So, you need a ticket.

Can you hold it up

a little bit for us?

I thought it was...

Stage is this way?

Over cheek area and forehead,

at hairline and temples.

Do not use heavily under cheek.

Will give too much depth

of cheek gaunt.

What does that do?

You're... it just adds color,

gives you a natural glow.

I wish I had a natural glow.

It's not your fault.

How are the Andy Richter

urinal mints selling?

His idea.

- Through the roof.

- Yeah.

People can't wait to pee on you.

He said everybody loves

pissing on my face.

At least get out in front

of a big, you know, crowd again.

It's been... a while.

And... l really miss it.

- Just before the plane crashes...

- Yes.

- The pilots from Aeroflot.

- One, two, three.

Hush now, child

Don't you cry

Your folks

might understand you

By and by

Just move on up

Towards your destination

Though you may find

from time to time complications

Ladies and gentlemen,

live in Eugene, Oregon,

it's Conan O'Brien!

Thank you for that.

That feels good.

I've been off the air for 31/2 months.

I missed applause.

This is... I got to tell you,

it's very nice.

There are eight stages

of mourning the loss

of your talk show.

Stage two... blame myself.

Folks, I didn't spend

a lot of time on that stage,

'cause what the hell did I do?

Yeah. So...

No. I blew past this stage,

and I went right to stage three...

blame everyone else around me.

I blamed everybody

and everything,

and this led to stage four... anger.

I was really, really angry.

And I wasn't just angry

that I wasn't on television anymore.

I was mad that I'm not on TV,

but other people still are.

That's right. Other people

still get to be on television,

but not Conan O'Brien.

Now, I don't want to be petty

and name names,

but what I will do

is show you photos of them

as I name their names.

And then, finally,

there's that last step...

that last step

that makes all the difference,

the step where you

win your esteem back.

You wake up one day,

you put on your clothes,

you pull yourself together,

you grow a pair, you look in the mirror,

and you get your ass

to Eugene, Oregon!

That's what you do!

This is a cool opportunity for me.

This is my opportunity

to tell you who I am,

how I grew up,

and how I came to be.

Do you want to hear this story?

It's a pretty good story.

You do?

Let's have some music, Jim.

Now, I'm gonna need a little more help

with this, ladies and gentlemen.

So, right now please welcome,

for the first time

on this stage or any stage,

the Coquettes!

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You know, since this is a tour,

we were thinking about calling

them the Tourettes,

but they kept shouting, "F***."

It was kind of weird.

All right, I'm gonna tell you

a little something about me.

I don't know if anyone's

ever been back East much.

You've been back East much?

I come from a place

called Brookline, Massachusetts.

Yeah.

It's an affluent suburb of Boston.

It was pretty tough

growing up in Brookline,

'cause most people...

most people were upper-class.

But we... we were

upper middle-class.

It was hell.

My mama, my poor, old mama,

my sainted mama...

I love my mama,

but she had it tough.

You see, my mama is a lawyer

at Ropes & Gray Law Firm

in downtown Boston.

She specializes in tax and trusts,

and she made partner really quickly.

Pulls in a lot of money.

Did very well for herself.

And my daddy...

my daddy was no good.

My daddy is no good.

My daddy works

at Brigham Women's Hospital.

He's a microbiologist.

He studies infectious diseases.

He's done a lot of work

with the World Health Organization.

Real white trash.

Back in eastern Brookline

Pretty alligators are so mean

There lived a young girl

who, I swear to the world

Made the alligators look tame

Polk Salad Annie

Annie

Gators got your granny

Gators got your granny

Everybody said it was a shame

That my mama was working

on a chain-gang

' I

Yeah

Well, by now a lot of you

have figured out

that this song

is pretty much bullshit.

This song is bullshit

Yeah, it's just a song

about growing up poor

in the South that I always liked.

And I wanted to sing it,

so kind of fudged the facts a little bit.

Two things and only two things

will get you out of a song like this.

That's right.

I'm talking strobe lights

and crazy movement!

Gonna have me a mess of

I want to have a Polk salad

My mama shopped at Whole Foods

My daddy had a good job

Everybody

Everybody, yeah, yeah

Gonna have Polk salad

Ha! Yeah!

The Coquettes,

ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, Eugene!

Thank you, thank you.

That's that.

What'd you think?

We have to do 44 more of those,

so I got to tone it down, maybe.

I don't know.

- How do you feel?

- I don't feel that euphoria.

I don't know.

I just... I like doing it,

and then when it's done,

you're just, like...

Everyone's just focused

on what could be better,

what could be fixed,

which is good.

That's how you get it

to be better.

But it's like... so, it's not like,

"Yeah! Let's all high-five each other."

It's really good

to have one done, though.

I have to say that.

I just don't know

how we're gonna do more of them.

It looks all right.

Great job, Bill.

Good to see you.

How are you?

Hey.

Hey. How are you?

Hey. How are you?

Good to see you.

Here's the thing that really got me.

At the end, you're going up the alley.

- Went right behind me, right?

- Right.

You came back down,

you kissed a girl.

You came down, you kissed a guy.

- Right. Of course.

- The row behind me.

The guy says.

"Now I can die happy."

You really looked happy, man.

Oh, I was thrilled... yeah, just thrilled.

You got to pack it up and go.

You're going to Vancouver tomorrow?

You got another show tomorrow?

Yay!

How you doing?

Good night, everybody!

Are you going to check in

and see what the press is saying,

or are you going to avoid it?

- What's your plan?

- I don't read that stuff.

He's never read it.

No. I'm fine, thanks.

I've never read it.

He's never read it.

It's pointless to do that.

Because it's...

at the end of the day, it's all opinions.

- The online buzz...

- Yeah.

That's all I like to hear.

And I'm like, "Good. Let's move on."

We got to keep moving

and evolving this show.

I like this part, you know?

I like the travel aspect of it.

I like the adventure of it.

I love walking around a city

for the first time.

You know, when aliens come...

When aliens come,

they're gonna land there,

'cause they're gonna think

that's where our leader lives.

Come on now.

What am I always

hitting people for?

It's not acceptable.

It's not acceptable.

I like that. One in two shows

by popular demand.

How do we get back to that

where we came from?

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