Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #5

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I know a lot of people came to Vegas

this weekend to see the fight,

but I think this is

the main event tonight.

Audience... Bleh! Bloviate.

I could do the scene for you.

I can do that.

What's that?

Did you talk over me again?

Get your radar straight.

Seriously, man.

When Mozart's playing the old 88s,

you don't sit on his lap

and play "Chopsticks."

- Ooh, wow.

- I might be a f***ing genius,

and I might be

the biggest dick ever.

I don't know.

Or maybe both.

That's what Patton was.

- Napoleon.

- Maybe.

- Clemenceau.

- Pulitzer.

About 15-ish.

Hello, Las Vegas.

How's everybody doing?

You ready?

What else is forbidden?

I'll tell you what's forbidden.

This is how crazy this thing got

between me and NBC.

It got so crazy,

anyone who even looks like me

can't be on television right now.

Yes. It's true.

Yeah. Say good-bye

to the Wendy's girl.

She can't exist right now.

Say good-bye

to Jimmy Neutron.

Jimmy Neutron's gone.

And, of course, say farewell

to Oscar-winning actress

Tilda Swinton.

She's just out of here.

Are you looking

for a good time?

I mean a really good time?

The kind of good time

where you wake up

with body glitter in your mouth

and the smell of grandma

on your clothes?

Then look no further than

Las Vegas' oldest topless bar.

Located north of the Strip,

opened in '72,

which is also the average age

of their dancers.

These fossilized beauties

give new meaning

to the term "flappers."

40 days

40 days!

40 days

40 days!

I'm gonna see that you

get back home in 40 days

40 days!

I'm gonna put up

a charge against you

That'll be the very thing

that'll send you, Vegas

See you get your ass

back home in 40 days

40 days

40 days!

40 days!

40 days!

40 days

40 days!

40 days

40 days!

I'm gonna see that you

get back home in 40 days

40 days!

Gonna bring

a charge against you

That'll be the very thing

that'll send you

I'm gonna see you back home

in 40 days

40 days

Gonna see you back home

in 40 days

- Vegas.

- Vegas.

Are people

happy with that show?

Nobody was unhappy.

You know something?

That night when you were talking

about how angry you sometimes feel

and how you're kind of

working that out in the show

and a lot of, you know...

Right.

Well, now that you've been doing it,

has that changed at all?

It feels really good to go out

and perform in front of people...

and be in contact with people that are

enthusiastic about me and what I do,

and so that's obviously

healthy or feels good.

And then there are other times

where I'll just...

be back at the hotel, and I'll be thinking

about what went down

with those, you know, people at NBC,

and I'll be really mad

about it all over again.

So, yeah, I think it's... that'll...

It's gonna take a little while.

It's like a gallstone.

It just has to work its way

through my urethra.

And eventually that stone

and a little bit of blood

will drop into the toilet, and...

I'll be done with those f***ers.

Have you seen

the new In Touch magazine?

It's time to really kick things

up a notch now.

Please welcome our friend

Mr. Eddie Vedder.

Out here in the fields

I fight for my meals

I get my back into my living

Well, I don't need to fight

To prove I'm right

I don't need to be forgiven

No, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, my God!

What the hell was that?!

I will never let Eddie Vedder

borrow my tambourines again.

Jesus.

This is a big show.

It's a big show, yeah.

It started out as a small idea,

and it kept getting bigger and bigger.

Where'd you get

these musical chops?

What's the difference

between doing it here

and doing it in front

of a live audience in New York?

Are you making

any money on this?

Yeah, I hope so.

How's your voice holding up?

It's so far, so good.

It's not the show.

It's the interviews right after

the show that are killing me.

Let's get to that fake birthday party.

Oh, what an awkward situation.

This is the exact opposite

of what I wanted.

This is great!

This is amazing!

I've always wanted to have a 47th birthday

with "60 Minutes" here,

and this is such an intimate way

to celebrate my birth.

How are you?

Good to see you, pal.

This'll be good TV, see.

We'll get B-roll of the old birthday.

Yes, it's really good!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Conan

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

Now shut up.

Like, I ran into someone

on the street, and he said,

"Yeah, a friend of mine said

he asked you for an autograph,

and you, like, blew him off,"

and I said, "That's not possible."

I said it with authority,

like the way you would say,

"A friend of mine said you shot at him

with your .22 handgun."

"That's not possible."

It's Conan O'Brien's birthday.

I can't leave the venue right now.

Can you explain... will you go outside

and get that from him and I'll sign it?

I have no authority here.

Thank you, one guy.

You're done in this business.

He asked if you could use

the red pen on that one.

Oh. A controlling dick.

I've never denied anybody anything.

Okay, and you want me

to sign your back?

- Yes.

- Okay. Why?

So I can get it tattooed. It's my first

one, so it's gonna be really special.

Dah! Paparazzi!

That's why, you know, it's important...

like, you're really nice.

Sona's really nice to people on the phone

and sort of warm and personal,

and I think a lot of people

can't get to me.

That's important if the person

who's my voice to the outside world

is telling people to...

like, being cold.

I just think that's huge.

- It's a compliment?

- I complimented you.

Thank you.

How long

did you drive to be here?

Well, I drove seven hours to Calgary

and then like three here.

Just to come see the show?

- Yeah.

- Oh, get in here, man. Jesus. Uh.

Now, what's your...

you had a situation here?

I had this I.D. card that I bought specifically

so I could see this, 'cause I am 18.

So, what's the problem?

I wrote my learner's and passed it two

days ago, and they took my I.D. card away.

I'm just wondering if they're gonna Jew me

and not let me in here.

If they're gonna what?

They're gonna gyp me

and not let me in here.

And that would just not be cool

after getting a ticket.

I've been really excited to see this.

- Right. Okay. Okay.

- Yeah.

Okay, I'll just have to look

past the anti-Semitic remark.

I love Mel Gibson, dude.

Uh, wow. Okay, now I

don't think I want to let you in.

No, no, no, no.

Have to promise to never use

that expression again.

Okay, I promise.

Jeff Ross!

Can you come here for a sec?

Now, I'm gonna tell you something.

My producer's Jewish.

So, when you start saying... when you start

saying, "I got jewed out of something,"

and you're asking my producer,

who's Jewish, and I'm half-Jewish...

so, this kid has a situation where

he's driven like 60 hours to get here.

- And?

- And he doesn't have his government I.D.

that will get him into the casino.

Now these guys are saying

he can't come in.

I don't know if there's anyone here

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