Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #6

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at the casino we can ask.

Maybe.

Conan's vocal

Don't have enough Conan's vocal

Hold on. Dave?

Testing, testing.

Welcome to it.

I do feel like we've been arrested at the border

and asked to wait in this room. Don't you?

What happened to us, Andy?

We'll get a giant poster of Jay Leno.

- No.

- Eee!

Well, 'cause everyone

who's performed here has a poster.

Oh. Eee!

It actually says that

when you walk by.

Apply it with the brush

and then tap it in with your finger.

- I will. I will. I will. Please.

- Oh. Okay.

- Covering up the eye vein...

- Oh, boy.

That most people love,

buy you guys insist I cover.

You are aging wonderfully, Millicent.

I'm ready to meet my groom.

Send him in.

You use whichever

makes you feel prettiest.

If it's blowing off

like that, it's too much.

I think I know... would you get

your arm out of the mirror?

- You insane Armenian.

- Oh, my God!

Did you see her lunge at me

with a cutlass?

How much more deodorant

do you need?

I want more.

Is it like one for each armpit?

You know what I do?

I pretend they're awards.

Out when I get naked.

- Oh, no.

- Sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry I said that sh*t about you

in the Edmonton Gazette.

Don't be sorry.

It needed to be said.

But you're not a f***ing a**hole

who's the worst piece of sh*t

that anyone's ever seen.

When do I do my meet and greet?

What? Don't be nervous.

I've, like, loved you for so long.

- Oh, really? You have?

- Yes.

- All right, well...

- I love you.

Well, thank you so much.

No. Truly, I love you.

She won't send you...

I'll make sure...

- It was awesome. And it was fun.

- Oh, good.

I'm telling people

this is my prom photo.

Hello.

This won't go well.

Oh, yay! Yay!

This is weird.

I just heard about this.

There's a WME...

William Morris Endeavor's

throwing a party before the show.

I'll do a show for them before the show,

blow out my voice.

My inherent neediness will dominate.

I'm just gonna make it

my mandate not to talk.

How are you? Good to see you.

Hi. How are you?

I really...

I just really love it.

There's like a...

it sounds crass,

but kind of like a Make-A-Wish Foundation

element to the whole thing.

Like, Conan's got 3 months to live.

Let's not tell him, but let's let him have

this complete fantasy.

How are you?

Very nice to meet you.

How are you?

Good to see you.

How are you?

Yes, I do.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to see you.

The chairman

of Warner Bros. Television.

Ah, yes, very nice to meet you.

I'm not used to...

They told me, like, yeah,

they have a party before the show,

and I said, "Before the show?"

This is Nellie Andreeva, who writes...

she writes nice things about you.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- You got to go.

- What's that?

- They want you backstage.

I know this guy. How are you?

How are you?

Everything okay?

Let's have a new rule

about parties before the show.

It's just... I'm out

there, like, working it.

I'm like, "This is f***ed up."

Well, it doesn't... okay.

Well...

- Hey.

'Yes?

- Oh, no.

- I smell... I smell wet hay.

There he is.

Yay, yay-

Did you get my e-mail?

Yee-haw.

You don't read your e-mails?

How are you?

Great to see you.

- So, have you...

- I e-mailed him, but he doesn't read e-mails.

- I didn't get the e-mail.

- Oh, for God's sake.

Gee, gawrsh, what's an e-mail?

Doing, doing, doing.

Get him.

Get him, Jon Hamm.

- Doing, doing, doing.

- We're best friends.

No, look at this.

Check this out.

Oh, yeah.

That is so stupid.

That's called the toilet, Jack.

What a rube.

We'll just do a little...

little tune here.

It's a song I wrote

about Jack McBrayer.

You stupid hick

You were born in sh*t

- Oh, that's not nice.

- What?

But, anyway, there's a whole part

about a mule calling you on the phone.

Why am I working this hard

before a show?

I don't know.

I'm not sure I know.

Hey, Jon, guess who I'm doing.

: Hey, Jon,

you want to go out and try and get...

Jim Nabors. Jim Nabors.

No. Keep thinking.

Hey, I love Los Feliz, too.

These will save my throat.

Do you have any cocaine?

- What is wrong with you?

- Come on.

- He's changed.

- I need it.

I had a different Jack McBrayer

on the phone.

Okay, he can't help...

Stop it!

Ha ha ha, I can't help it.

How come you get

to hang out with him?

There's such an inequality.

- I don't want to sound rude.

- Too late.

But it is. It's like watching

the Monopoly money guy

walking around with a pig on a leash.

It's ridiculous.

Yee-haw!

Come on.

Will you say that this is crazy

for me to be doing this before a show?

Well, who's in control of things

around here?

No, you can't put this on Sona.

She's like 18.

So far, it's been the most fun

I've had in show business.

Crazy. Who has a party for...

Who does that?

Who entertains people

before a show?

I want to find someone.

Jeff's acting like, "I didn't do this."

I'm like, "Aren't you f***ing in charge?"

- I think you're in charge.

- I'm tired now.

Voice. Voice.

Walk of death. Let's do it.

Walk?

Guys, follow me.

But I'm telling you guys something.

Doing this tour is a huge milestone

for me... huge milestone for me.

And I will tell you why.

I will tell you why.

This is the first time

in my 20-year television career

that anyone has paid to see me.

Isn't that amazing?

First time anyone's paid to see me.

Yeah.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

They've paid to make me go away.

It was good, right?

Yes, it was good.

I think I lost 30 pounds on that one.

I'm what they called

in vaudeville a sweat act.

We're gonna have a problem.

- What's that?

- There's always an excuse for me to talk.

Like, "Well, it would be good if you run this

phone call. It'd be good if you came by.

It'd be good if you talk to these people.

It would really help.

It'll just take 10 minutes. It'll

take 15 minutes." But it never does.

You could shoot me in the left lung

and I'll do this show,

but if I lose my voice, we're done.

Everyone's thrilled.

- They're all outside.

- I'll go say hi.

That was fantastic.

That was so much fun.

We melted minds.

Thank you so much.

It doesn't matter if it's frickin' U2.

If I go to a concert,

I always have this intense compulsion

to go onstage, no matter who's onstage.

Invariably, security

gets in the way. Yeah.

I'm gonna tell people

that you just showed up.

- I can't stop him.

- What the hell?

Thanks for having me.

Thanks.

Thank you for doing it.

This was amazing.

I'm gonna take a hot tub.

You go right ahead.

- That was amazing.

- I had so much fun.

So fun to see that.

- Hi.

- Here we go.

Get the hot tub going.

- Hey. How are you?

- Hey. Thanks so much.

Hey, how are you?

Good to see you.

- Great job.

- Am I in trouble if I don't...

Can I go do this

and then come back?

Yeah, yeah, you can do this.

Now I go do the meet and greet.

- Oh, do it.

- It's the part that makes it all happen.

It's all right.

- Hey, how are you?

- I have a bromance with you.

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