Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #7

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I've always just kind of wanted

to run away and join the circus,

and that's what this show is.

One, two, and three.

Now, I made you

some cookies, Conan.

Now, I know...

and it's not poisonous.

On three.

One, two, and three.

- Thank you for liking what I do.

- Whoo!

You make us so happy.

At the end of the day...

Oh, that's...

That's, at the end of the day,

that's all I've ever wanted.

- Are you gonna bring...

- And money and real estate.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, that was amazing.

I can't shut up, so I will talk to cab

drivers for 40 minutes when I don't have to.

Hey.

How do we get to each...

Hey. So, this is Karen Lee.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.

Oh, hey, how are you?

- Hi. Tab.

- How are you?

- Nice to see you.

- This is Sydney.

Hi, Coco.

Hi. How are you?

- Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you.

This is my cousin Leonard.

- Hey, how you doing?

- Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.

This is my Auntie April.

Hi, precious.

How are you?

Do you see any pizza on my face?

No, I don't see any pizza.

- This is my mama.

- Hi. How are you?

- How are you?

- Good. Good. Good.

You have such a talented,

amazing daughter.

Mom, Mom, get on the other side.

Treat the man right.

Get my good side now.

I don't have a good side.

Let's use the real camera.

Yeah, right. Right.

Not something that's really a phone.

Three.

One, two...

Did it work out?

- Really nice to meet you.

- Pleasure.

- Thanks a lot.

- Nice to see you.

- Nice meeting you guys.

- Nice meeting you.

- Thank you.

- Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Because it's the f***ing craziness

afterwards that is kind of killing me.

It's not the show

that's gonna kill me.

And there's this whole culture

of backstage,

and, you know, I have real friends

that I want to talk to,

but other people just come in,

and I don't even know them.

Let's have a system...

Where's Jeff Ross?

We start it with Jeff Ross.

This is not your job.

- This is ridiculous.

- Yeah, but I could be like, "Hey, you got to go."

And then you could be like, "Ooh."

I could be very authoritative.

I'm gonna make you a tea...

a throat coat.

- Mom.

- Yes, throat coat.

No, you don't have to...

Don't make me a throat...

I don't want to drink that sh*t.

- Seriously.

- You want it with chamomile?

No. You know what I want to do?

Not talk to 100 people, you know,

who I don't even know,

not have each Coquette

bring in 35 people.

I'd like somebody to help me.

People take the hinges off the door,

and everybody from the audience

comes in here afterwards

and want different combinations of photos.

"I want a photo.

Now I want a photo

where you can string dance.

Can you hold this banana?

It's a private joke

with my friend from lowa."

See which Coquette that is.

We're going in.

There we are, man.

Borgata. Atlantic City.

We're gonna hit it,

we're gonna quit it.

Two shows. One night.

- How are you?

- Good.

Good. I got to go do

some meet and greet.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

Think I'll give a little piece

of my soul away.

One, two, and three.

And I know she definitely

wants one one-on-one.

You made this.

Thank you so much.

Do you have any advice

how to get our children into Episcopal?

Uh...

Idiot! Stupid...

Fat little man.

- Is that frickin' pizza?

- It's frickin' pizza.

What's this?

Is this a telegram?

It's from Jay Leno.

"Hope stand-up's going well.

Ha ha. See, it's not so hard after all.

Anyone can do it.

What's it like to have a soul?"

I don't even know what he's...

Oh, they're hardcore about

the support for Conan O'Brien.

I-A-N.

"We told The Chin

on his recent trip there..."

What the f***?

"Masturbating bear pizza."

- No way.

- "Conan is a hero in our eyes.

He honorably stepped down,

poked a little fun all the way,

and dignifiedly let The Chin place himself

on a pedestal of garbage."

I'm not making this up.

This is real.

Who is this for?

This one's Goldie Olson.

"This is a huge and monumental day

in the history of Atlantic City,

and everyone should roll out the red carpet

for our old Irish pal."

It looks like terrible, terrible pizza.

Anyway, the point is,

I'm feeling pretty sexy right now.

You know how it works.

Sexy man on tour

equals groupies.

I'm looking for some

Coco groupies right now.

We got to find some.

My friend Andy Richter

has a camera,

and Andy is gonna

scan the crowd right now,

and he's gonna find us

some groupies.

Yes, okay.

Oh, my goodness.

Whoo! Please keep it...

What are you doing?

Are you spanking a pony?

What are you doing?

Oh, God.

I don't think we sell that t-shirt.

Hi.

Hey. What the f***?

Wait a minute.

What is that?

He knows how to work it.

- Whoo!

- I like your hair.

Wait. Oh, my God.

Aah!

I would.

Hey, it's me.

I'm just calling you in between...

in between shows.

10 minutes, Conan.

Sona, 10 minutes.

See that crowd right there?

That's the crowd tonight.

That's tonight's crowd.

I'm like, "Hey, how you folks doing?"

Yeah! Kick 'em in the face!

Powder.

Oh, sweet powder.

Protect my skin, powder.

Absorb all moistures.

Oh, powder.

Sweet powder.

Paint the illusion

my skin is dry.

Oh, powder.

Shut the f*** up.

You got a show to do.

Oh, powder.

I can't... I can't breathe.

Powder,

your natural enemy is sweat.

I walked away

from the greatest franchise in history

'cause I refused

to go on at midnight,

and here I am on at midnight.

Hey, folks,

how you doing tonight?

We're great.

Okay, that was horrible.

How are you doing tonight?

We're great!

Are you enjoying the show so far?

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine?

It's fine?

I'm trying to give you

the best show I can.

If I'm not doing something

you want to see,

you got to tell me right now.

Kiss LaBamba!

No.

Kiss him

like he's your girlfriend

and you've been on a submarine

for six months.

Let's get out of here.

Let's make like a cold wind and blow.

Another day, another dollar.

On the road again

I just can't wait

to get on the road again

Wa-ooh

The life I love is making music

with my friends

I can't wait to get on the road again

Why are we stopped here?

I'm getting off this goddamned bus

and finding out what's happening.

Boy, this will be good.

Okay, Sona, what's happening?

Why did the bus stop?

How are you?

What's your name?

- Elaine.

- Elaine.

- Oh, my God.

- Hey, Lindsay.

- How are you?

- I'm Jen.

How's it going?

We're headed to Boston.

I have a band, and...

So, I do comedy,

but then I jump in with them

'cause I play guitar and sing,

and we do...

it's a mix.

I like your glasses.

Those are cool.

- You like this?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Take care.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

Keep the bling.

Get more bling.

Yeah, we wish you all the best.

I'm sorry they did what they did.

No, you know what?

I was sorry at the time, too,

and then it turns out to be...

I wouldn't have been able...

I wouldn't have been able

to do the tour.

We're headed to Martha's Vineyard.

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