Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #9

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- Your vocal?

- I couldn't hear it great, actually.

It's better now.

Oooh, well

Why don't you try it?

Ohh, Well

One, two flights,

three flights, four

Five, six, seven flights,

eight flights more

That's the time

I'm starting to drag

15th floor, I'm ready to sag

Get to the top,

I'm too tired to rock

One, two flights,

three flights, four

Five, six, seven flights,

eight flights more

About this time

I'm starting to drag

15th floor, I'm ready to sag

Get to the top

and I'm too tired to rock

Jack White!

I think that's it.

I'm going to the hospital now.

Sorry I missed you.

Ah, it's too small a space.

One thing. No photos.

One thing. No photos.

One thing. Hello.

Speak English?

One thing. No photos.

Right on.

One thing. No photos.

One thing. No photos.

It's actually my shirt.

Hey.

Thank you.

It's like being in a zoo.

Ooh, drum tower!

I hate these.

I think these look like sh*t.

- They don't look good.

- They don't look good.

I'm a known human being.

I can't be seen looking like this.

I'm gonna look like a freak.

- Andy...

- You look good. You look good.

It's all a fashion thing, Andy.

For Christ's sake.

And I can't wear a white hat

if you're wearing a white hat.

Oh, good.

It's miserable again.

This is ours

until right after the show.

- What about that?

- You want to do... anything you want.

This is all stuff

I bought for you for today.

Don't talk to me like I'm a child.

Don't put up with it.

Just stand up for yourself.

"Raw" suit?

Oh, poor Conan.

People started lining up today

at 5:
30 for this show.

So, we're gonna do a bunch

of jokes about saps?

15 minutes ago, they told me

the air-conditioning went out in this tent.

It's like we're doing comedy

in a Native American sweat lodge.

This is great. In 6 months,

I've gone from hosting "The Tonight Show"

to performing at a refugee camp.

You seem to want to get

a picture close up.

Do you? Do you want

to get a closer picture?

Come on up.

That's okay. That's all right.

It's all fine.

Let's get a picture together.

Right here.

Let's turn this way.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Right here.

This is all Bonnaroo, baby.

I love you.

Where are you going?

Come back.

Yeah!

Two words to you, buddy.

You're amazing.

Why? Why today

and not any other day?

I'll tell you later.

You will?

That's me. Whenever I hear

someone say "That was amazing,"

I think, "What was wrong

with the other ones?"

He got stopped, of course.

When I first met Jack,

it was a couple years

before the White Stripes hit,

and I was in a bowling alley in Detroit.

Conan, we got to run.

I know.

Just give me one second.

- I guess you're good?

- Thank you, Missy.

- This is Nella Page.

- Oh, my goodness.

As in Jimmy,

and that's Alex Lennon.

Good. Great. Thank you.

I mean, can it be something as easy

as just coming out and saying,

"How's everybody doing? Blah.

You can be louder. Blah."

And then be like, "Here. Here's

the f***ing nuts" or something.

I mean, couldn't it be just like, literally,

"How you doing?", one joke and then...

Again, I don't think you're contractually

obligated to do bits out there.

No, it's not that.

I'm always disheartened

when the people that actually made

the arrangement are never here.

Right. Right.

No one's here. Nobody ever knows

what the f*** they're talking about.

It's always, "Yeah, yeah, it'll be fine.

It'll be fine. It'll be fine."

And then Jeff's on a plane,

and later he can say,

"I didn't know. I didn't know."

- It's almost over.

- I know.

People keep saying that, but that's

what they said to Anne Frank, you know?

You did not just

compare yourself to Anne Frank.

- You didn't do that.

- We both took a stand.

My point is that I definitely

got signed up for too much.

I know.

And moving forward, you know,

there's a lot of not...

No one's thinking

about burning me out.

Nobody's thinking about it.

And when I burn out and everyone

doesn't have a job anymore,

they're gonna be pissed.

We have to be thinking about,

like, "Wait a minute. Really?

He's doing a whole day with Jack White

and he's doing Bonnaroo

and he's introducing all the acts

and he's gonna stay late

and introduce Jay-Z

and Stevie Wonder?"

Jim is informing me that, you know,

the festival would like more

than just a line or two.

Just... that's been their take all along.

I honestly... I didn't even know

he was introducing

until I e-mailed Jeff two days ago.

I thought he was introducing one act.

One act every three hours.

- Okay.

- I hate Jeff right now.

Let's start at the beginning.

We've got Nas and Goo Goo.

Let's start thinking of funny lines

for Nas and Goo Goo and how to do it,

and then we'll get through that.

Then it's on to the 55 other things

I have to introduce

that someone at WME agreed to

that Jeff checked off on a box.

Do you like reggae

without all the drug-king violence?

You're in the right place.

There's been trouble

down in Sri Lanka.

People told me when a comedian

comes out in front of a festival crowd,

he should keep it short

and get right to the music.

But I'm gonna go a different way.

I'm about to do two hours

on the life of Bess Truman.

Everyone have a seat.

This is gonna take a while.

No, I'm telling you,

all you got to do is say,

"Are you ready to rock?"

Or hip-hop or whatever the f*** it is.

Here we go.

It's Nas and the Nozzles.

No, no, no,

we have some good stuff.

I do a whole thing

about Bess Truman.

- I'll find you later.

- Bess Truman?

Just listen.

All right, this is embarrassing,

but someone's gonna have to help me

write these names on my hand.

'Cause I'm telling you, I'll get out there,

and my life is so f***ing crazy,

that's all I need

in front of 70,000 people

is to forget Nas and Jojo.

Just put N-O-Z-Z.

Are you guys ready to rock?

Yeah!

Okay, that's nice,

but not quite accurate.

Are we ready to reggae?

Are you ready to...

and hip-hop.

Yeah, and hip-hop.

Are you ready to get your freak on

in 95% humidity?

Yeah! We be jammin'.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Damian Marley.

And Nas!

How are you?

How do you do?

I do, too. I do, too.

Sona?

- Why?

- Because it's a habit.

- And sometimes...

- it's all good. It's all good.

I'm cool.

I'm not doing it out of nervousness,

'cause I have complete faith in you.

Are you ready to rock?

Are you ready to laugh?

Well, gentlemen,

good luck to both of you.

Are you ready to rock and laugh

but first urinate?

Who's urinating now?

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Tenacious D!

You have 40,000 people

in the palm of your hand.

It was like seeing Hitler up there,

but like a nicer version.

In just a couple of minutes

is the great Stevie Wonder!

Hi. Damian Marley, please.

Thank you.

Hey. Yeah.

I was just talking to Nas.

That's right.

What are you guys doing?

For take-off and landing,

I need everybody's seat belt on,

shoulder harness attached,

seats upright position,

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