Dad's Army Page #4

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-I'm not sure I like that idea.

What, the spirits or the dancing?

Just thinking about it

is giving me goosebumps. Look.

When you're dead, you're dead.

I've never buried anybody yet who

wasn't. Well, maybe, just the once.

Wouldn't it be terrible, sir,

if none of us really existed?

I mean, who would I sell

my sausages to?

If life's a dream, jonesy,

you'd still have to be alive,

so you could fall asleep

and dream they're buying them.

Yes, thank you, Walker.

Walker! Settle down.

Settle down, men.

Settle down.

Now, men.

Uh, Wilson.

Now, men, I have...

Oh.

What's up with his face?

Rigor mortis, with a bit of luck.

Now, men, I have decided

after due and diligent deliberation,

to pinpoint

our preliminary patrol position, here.

In the middle

of the channel. That's interesting.

You need some

new specs, captain?

I've got some lovely ones

just come in.

Uh...

Here, and end it...

Ah!

Here.

- Wilson!

- All right, sir?

We shall patrol in pairs.

So, it would be awfully nice

if you could stay on the lookout

for enemy agents

and that sort of thing.

Yes, my sergeant and i

will now demonstrate.

Wilson.

Observe how keenly

we scan the land, the sea, and the sky.

Alert to attack

from every quarter, like coiled Springs.

All Springs are coiled, Wilson.

Look! I see something.

- Almost had my eye out.

- A parachutist.

Well, I saw him at

the same time as you, sir.

You don't need to point,

i was doing the pointing.

Two dogs, one bone.

In one jock.

When I'm already pointing.

One moment, men.

Come along.

What on earth is the matter?

I'm not sure

what you mean, sir.

You're all puffed up.

Trying to impress miss winters?

I thought that

was what you wanted.

Copying everything I do?

Stop it this instant.

That's an order.

-Any questions?

-Any questions?

We need a pose.

Beg your pardon?

Well, we're going

to be in a magazine.

We need a pose,

something heroic but menacing,

like errol Flynn

in the sea hawk.

Stupid boy.

How about this?

There won't be

any need for poses.

Miss winters won't be

joining us on patrol.

- What?

- Order, order.

Men, men. Order, please.

Only authorized personnel

will be joining us on the coastal path.

Platoon is the

subject of her article, not the patrol.

I understand one or two of you have brought

along some personal items

you'd like to share with her.

Who'd like to go first?

Evening, mavis.

I'm just stretching my legs.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Thank you, frazer.

Frazer.

George!

Where are your glasses?

Hello, dear.

Just resting my eyes.

Don't! It makes

you look piggy.

Come along.

Come on, Joe.

Darts night.

-I don't play darts.

-You do now.

Frank.

Lifeboat's on in eastgate.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Frank, where's Arthur?

Mavis.

What a...

What a lovely surprise.

New suit, Arthur?

Uh, what?

No, no, no. It's...

You can wear it for

what's left of your dinner.

Elizabeth mainwaring, ats.

Officer, first class.

Rose winters.

You do a marvelous job.

I believe in fighting

for what's ours

and crushing

the enemy underfoot.

Don't you?

I'll say good night,

Mrs. mainwaring.

George.

Night, frank.

Time and tide, George.

"Cottage,

4:
00 P.M. please come."

George!

Coming, dear.

-Hello, Joe.

-Oh. Strike a light!

I thought you was old bill.

Quite a hoard

you have here.

I take it you don't

believe in rationing.

Well, keep your head down

and earn a few Bob,

that's what I believe in.

Since they shut

off the army base, I've got a right backlog.

I'm making up for lost time.

Captain mainwaring

said you're not going near the base.

Once I'm inside the compound,

there'll be no stopping me.

You know,

i should really report this.

Come on, then.

We all have our price,

miss winters.

What's yours?

Petrol? Navy cut?

Bootleg French perfume?

Chanel no. 5?

When you go to the base,

take me with you.

You're not coming on the patrol.

You're not the only one

who knows how to get what they want, Joe.

Of course, this will be

quilted for extra comfort

on your eternal slumber.

Yes, I'd be quite happy

to decompose in this.

We'll take two, Mr. frazer.

I don't suppose

you would consider a discount.

Well, to avail

yourself of that,

you would both

have to pass on before the end of the month.

Oh. We're not ready

to go quite yet, are we, cissy?

Mother lived to 101.

Miss winters, one moment!

Miss winters.

Cissy rang the lady

magazine in London

to inquire about

your follow-up article.

And they know

nothing about it, or you.

You're on the run from the police.

You killed a man

with your umbrella.

Oh, I do apologize,

miss winters.

She is cursed with

a romantic spirit.

I know.

You're a secret agent.

A German spy

sent here to discover

the invasion plans

and bring

the allies to their knees.

I'm afraid the truth

is far less colorful than that, ladies.

I work for

the associated press.

They place all their

articles uncredited.

I hope that's cleared up

the confusion for you.

Good day.

Hello, captain. Welcome.

I do like your hat.

Oh. This old thing?

-Please, come on in.

-Yeah.

Sorry about the manner

of my invitation.

No, no.

No. Not at all.

I was hoping

you'd tell me more

about your unique

leadership style.

Well,

I'm not one to

blow my own trumpet,

but I lead by example.

There's nothing I would ask

my men to do that I would not do myself.

Hmm.

Cake?

It's rather small, I'm afraid.

We eat

as a free people,

not under the Nazi heel.

One thing my

men know for sure,

the jackboot will not tread

upon this hallowed land

while there is breath in this...

Are you all right?

Gone down the wrong way.

You speak so

eloquently, captain.

Have you never committed

your thoughts to paper?

No, there's not enough

hours in the day, I'm afraid.

Leadership is many things,

miss winters.

Rose, I insist.

Leadership is

many things, rose.

But most of all,

it's about vision.

Oh.

Oh.

-Cake on the floor. Cake on the...

-You're quite right, though.

So sorry.

Europe is crying out

for a man of vision, clarity,

even ruthlessness.

Quite.

Get the trains

running on time.

I believe you're destined to play

a huge part in this war, George.

Really?

I do hope so.

I'm only sorry

i won't be able to write about it.

But you must.

What is the matter?

It's my editor.

He said if I don't write

about your patrol in my article,

then he won't publish it.

Come, now. Here.

Maybe if your

editor insists upon it,

then...

What?

Maybe you should...

Rose?

- Wilson.

- Hello?

What's he doing here?

I have no idea.

- One moment.

- Hello?

No, no.

I'm not here.

I'm in eastbourne with my area manager.

"A thing of beauty

is a joy forever.

"Its loveliness increases..."

Arthur, this is not the time.

Sorry. I'll come back.

No, I won't!

I've been doing

that all my life,

saying I'll come back

when I wanted to stay,

staying when I wanted to go.

Rose, that night

at the summer ball,

I wanted to kiss

you very, very much.

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