Dad's Army Page #6

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Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones?

Captain mainwaring!

Mr. Jones has gone over!

Oh, no.

He can't be.

To the beach, men,

at the double.

Captain!

Jones?

- Jones!

- He's alive.

- Thank heavens.

- Hold on tight.

Don't panic.

I am panicking, sir.

I can't help it.

Rope. We need rope, men.

Where's Walker?

He's gone to

the base to get help.

-Well, fetch him, pike.

-Yeah.

Hold on, Jones.

Jones.

Joe! Joe,

Mr. Jones has gone over. We need rope.

Hold on tight! We're coming.

Can you come

fairly quickly, sir?

Terrible. I never

got his measurements.

Yeah, that'll do.

Come on.

Tie it off, Jones!

Tie it off.

Yeah, yeah, it's tied off.

Chain's tied off, yeah.

- Hold on tight, jonesy.

- Pull him up, men.

- One, two, three.

- Jonesy, you're safe as houses.

- Pull!

- Hold on, Jones!

You okay?

Hold on, Jones!

I'm rotating, sir.

I'm rotating.

- Give me your hand, Jones!

- That's it.

- Pull!

- Pull! Pull, men!

- Jones, pull.

- That's it, well done.

- Grab his arse.

- Well done.

Thank you, sir.

I thought I was a goner.

My whole life

flashed before my eyes.

At least I think it was my life.

Right, let's get this chain

back to the base.

You gave me

a real fright, Mr. Jones.

Right, up you come,

jonesy.

There's a sight

for sore eyes, Walker?

Makes you proud to be British.

Stone the crows.

Here, the whole place is a fake!

Miss winters.

Vera.

What brings you out here?

I saw you

out on the sands.

It's frank.

I know he's a silly boy,

but he'll make a fine man one day.

I love him, miss winters.

Trouble is, he loves you.

Just a little crush, perhaps.

Nothing to worry about.

Besides, I leave tonight.

Oh.

Oh.

Where are you off to next?

Paris? New York?

You life's so glamorous

compared to mine.

What's that?

You hear that?

Stay where you are.

I'm going home to Berlin.

It's a complete and utter balls-up.

Operation bodyguard took yonks

to put into place and you...

You have destroyed it

in seconds, you imbecile.

The entire invasion plan will have to

be put back now because of you

until, I don't know, June.

And I'm meant to be

going sailing in June.

My men have now

secured all but one of the tanks, brigadier.

It is quite possible

that the spy saw absolutely nothing.

Captain mainwaring!

Captain mainwaring!

Oh, yes, Napoleon.

This is the pinnacle of your career, all right.

You are stripped

of your rank with immediate effect.

Wilson, you have the command.

Oxford man, sir.

Good show.

The future of this

platoon is under review.

-Brigadier.

-Dismissed.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's all my fault,

falling off the cliff like that.

No, Jones.

Men,

it's been a privilege.

Upsy-Daisy.

Arthur, I need your answer.

I'm not coming, rose.

It's a dream

of another life.

Didn't you hear him?

That mi5 are gonna question us

all, first thing they get here.

But I don't know nothing.

They'll use

the thumbscrews.

My train leaves in an hour.

Will you come

and see me off?

For old times' sake?

Of course.

That's decided then.

Thank you, vicar.

Goodbye.

George, I thought

you were on patrol.

So, it's been agreed.

The choir will form

the head of the parade

while the platoon

brings up the rear.

Whatever you say, dear.

There's no point

arguing about it.

George, you're white as a sheet.

I shan't be on parade.

I'm no longer

a serving officer in the home guard.

I've been let go.

I beg your pardon?

They're thinking of disbanding

the platoon 'cause of me.

All I ever wanted

in this war was to do my bit.

Mainwaring residence.

Two nights ago,

he invited me for a drink

to talk about old times.

It was so awkward.

He tried to kiss me.

Oh, the cad.

So I came in here

and I heard a sound,

like static or

a transmitter or something.

He told me it was

his wireless, but...

Good lord.

Captain pigeon ring!

The incriminalizing evidentials!

Some sort of code.

What sort of

language is that?

German, perhaps.

Captain, look.

Oh, no.

1:
24.

Still time.

Jones.

Sir, I want to tell you

something in complete continence.

I've never killed a man.

What?

Fine time to tell me, Jones.

All those stories

about the Sudan?

Well, I was there

all right, sir. Army catering corps.

When I come back,

i sort of emblemished the truth.

Who wants to know

he went all the way to the Sudan to make tea?

Well, you know what they say.

"Cometh the hour,

cometh the man."

Guten evening,

herr Wilson. Handies hoch.

I beg your pardon?

About to abscond, are we?

Sir, I'm not a spy.

Well, I shouldn't be surprised.

Your class has always

had a talent for treachery.

This war will sweep

your kind away, Wilson,

and I for one will not

mourn its passing.

You turn my stomach.

Coward!

I don't know

what I'll do if they disband us.

My sisters like to play

canasta in the evenings.

I find it all

rather complicated.

I'm joining the ats.

Darn sight prettier than you lot.

Well, look who's here.

Men who lost us the war.

That's most unkind, Mr. Hodges.

Who needs the enemy

when we've got the home guard?

You're a shambles,

the lot of you.

How dare you say that?

Mr. frazer and Mr. Jones

fought in the first war.

Mr. Godfrey was

a stretcher bearer.

You're not fit to lick their boots.

And you wanna watch

your lip, sunshine.

All you do

is whistle at people.

"Put that light out!

Put that light out!"

Shut your mouth,

you little mummy's boy.

I'll have your guts for garters.

Behave yourself.

I have grave news, men.

Grave news indeed.

Well, look who it is.

The failure-in-chief.

Evidence has been found

indicating sergeant Wilson is the spy.

Sergeant Wilson?

No, he's not good-looking enough.

He can't be the spy.

He'd have told us.

It's over, mainwaring.

Go home, man.

You've been stripped

of your command,

stripped naked

in the eyes of the world,

and it's a terrible sight.

Corporal Jones and I have

discovered a crystal radio set

hidden under his desk

and top-secret documents

written in German.

-No way.

-God, German.

I've locked him

into the church hall until mi5 arrive.

I'm telling mum.

In the meantime, I shall be

reassuming command of the platoon.

I knew it, captain.

I never liked Wilson, anyway.

Well, I take no pleasure in this,

frazer, but a spy is a spy.

Oh, you've solved it,

have you?

Oh, we had our suspicions

from the start, didn't we, cissy?

We just couldn't

put our finger on it.

Turns out it was

staring us in the face.

Miss winters is a foreign agent.

Miss winters, a spy?

She can't be. She's a woman.

I shall go and break the news

to her at Sully point.

I'm coming with you.

Good of you, Walker,

but I think I should go alone.

Meet me at the

church hall in an hour,

and we shall discuss

a guard rota for the traitor Wilson.

Dolly dear, what did you mean it

was staring you in the face?

Miss winters' clothes, of course.

That Chanel dress in particular.

So, we phoned

the fashion house in Paris

to ask if anyone there knew her.

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