Daddy's Home

1

BRAD:
Here's a question for you.

What do kids need more? A father or a dad?

What's the difference?

The way I see it, darn near

anyone can be a father...

(ROARING)

...but not everyone has the patience

or the devotion to be a dad.

As for me...

Anybody caught a Monarch yet?

...I've always wanted to be a dad.

Let me tell you, I love it!

Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

And I love my Ford Flex.

It treats me to a smooth ride,

and you know what?

It didn't break the bank.

Room enough for the whole family.

Yes, I love being a dad.

And I love these two adorable

little rays of sunshine.

Hey, Dylan! Good morning.

Whatever.

BRAD:
Okay. I'm not their real dad.

Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.

- I'm their stepdad.

- Good morning, Megan.

Can you please put this on the fridge?

Well, sure. Did you do

another drawing of our family?

- Uh-huh.

- Huh?

That's me and Dylan and Mommy.

So great.

And over here, far, far away,

is you.

Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?

That's the knife in your head

'cause I was killing you in the eye.

Oh, I see.

Well, I love how you drew my hair.

That's poop.

Well, it's well-drawn.

And I'm guessing it's dog poop?

That's homeless man poop.

Oh.

All right. (SIGHING)

BRAD:
I actually can't

father my own children,

ever since I hit a little

snafu at a dental office.

(MUFFLED) I've got

a little bit of a gag reflex.

Uh, close your eyes, breathe through

your nose, you'll be fine.

Oh. Okay.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MACHINE SQUEAKING)

(BEEPS)

Oh, you got a really weird tongue.

You need to floss better.

BRAD:
Ever since then, my testicles have

been more decorative than anything else.

Hey!

And I thought I'd never have a family.

Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.

Would you look at her?

I am one lucky so-and-so.

I hit the jackpot.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Sorry I'm taking so long.

I have to show that Sixty West

building to those new clients.

- I know.

- (GASPS)

- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.

- Already packed. I wrote them

little inspirational notes

to start them on their day.

They've already eaten their breakfasts,

and you look perfect.

You are amazing.

Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.

Oh, no. I am so sorry.

No, I think you're misunderstanding.

This is the first drawing

where I'm not dead already.

Sure, I've got a knife in my eye

and some homeless man poop on my head,

(SIGHING)

but this is showing real progress.

I think she's starting to accept me.

You can find the good

in just about anything.

I love that about you. You know that?

Thanks.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello. I'm home.

Hey.

How was the, uh...

What's wrong?

He won't talk to me.

He said he only wants to talk to you.

You want to talk to me?

- Really?

- Mmm-hmm.

- You mean me and your mom?

- Mmm-mmm.

- Just me? By myself?

- Mmm-hmm.

Sure. I'm...

I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.

We'll sit there.

We'll sit.

We can do it sitting or standing?

Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.

We're not gonna overthink it.

Yeah. Great. Okay, good.

Just the men, yeah.

A little rap session. Great.

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.

I just want you to know that

I'm just here to listen. All right?

No judgments, no lectures,

just a compassionate ear.

- Well, there are these kids at school...

- Mmm-hmm.

...and they're bigger than me,

because they're fourth graders.

- (SHUTTER CLICKING)

- And...

Oh, was that weird?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

It's a big moment for me,

and I'm just trying to capture it.

It just came off awkward.

So, go ahead, continue telling

your story. Fourth graders.

Anyway, there are

these fourth graders, and...

He actually confided in me.

I mean, it was that father-son feeling

I've been dying for,

and it was even better than

I thought it was gonna be.

(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.

That is so great, honey.

He even said not to tell you.

So I'm actually totally betraying

his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)

What are we gonna do about

those little snot-nosed fourth graders?

Oh, I think it's going to be fine.

He's going to try to do some

trust falls on the playground.

Really? You think that's gonna work?

As long as they catch him. Yeah.

Hey, Brad.

Yeah?

If I ask you something,

you promise you won't cry again?

Of course, sweetie. What is it?

Well, at school,

they told us about this thing,

and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.

(GASPING)

So, do you want to go with me?

(SOBBING)

You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.

I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.

I thought big people

weren't supposed to cry.

I think it's sweet that he's

crying like a little b*tch.

(GASPS) Megan!

You are not supposed

to call people that word.

You know what? It takes a real

man to show his emotions.

(SOBBING LOUDLY)

All right, that's a bit much.

VIZZINI:
No more rhymes now, I mean it!

FEZZIK:
Anybody want a peanut?

(ALL LAUGHING)

BRAD:
We were finally becoming a family.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- I'll get it!

After being pushed away

and treated like an outsider,

I was finally becoming

the dad that I always knew I could...

Daddy!

Hi! Where are you?

Where's Cameroon?

Is that gunfire? Cool!

MEGAN:
Daddy, Daddy!

I want to talk to Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Good.

- So your ex is calling, huh?

- (SIGHS) Yeah.

What a treat for the kids.

It's been a long time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

We're watching a really funny

movie with Mommy and Brad.

Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.

Wait. He doesn't know about me?

Well, I haven't talked to him

in six months.

We've been married eight months.

Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.

- No! No, no. Don't, don't...

- I'm just going to say hi.

You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.

Hello, Dusty?

Super to make your acquaintance.

In fact, I just wish

I could shake your hand

and offer to buy you a cold one.

- Tomorrow?

- What?

BOTH:
Daddy's coming! Yay!

Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.

- (WHISPERS) No.

- Hmm?

It's Whitaker.

W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not comfortable giving you

my Social Security number over the phone.

Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.

I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles

am I proficient in?

I don't know if I've ever been

asked that before.

Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...

I lost him.

What just happened?

Did you just invite him to come here?

Is he coming tomorrow?

Well, I didn't know

he'd accept my offer so soon.

I mean, he really jumped at it.

Remember when I said he was like Jesse

James and Mick Jagger had a baby?

Yeah, I just thought maybe

he was really skinny and

jittery, and had like a little bit

of a British accent, or something.

He's wild and he's crazy.

That's why I fell in love with him.

Then you end up with two kids.

And I'm stuck there holding the bag and

he's nowhere to be found.

It doesn't matter how much love or passion,

or you can't breathe without each other.

All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.

When you have kids,

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