Daddy's Home 2 Page #2

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with way too much negative energy.

Brad, you don't know what you're

talking about, so shut your fat hole!

- Dusty.

- (SIGHS)

I'm sorry, Braddie.

I'm sorry.

You see what he does to me?

I mean, he's not even here yet, and

he's already ruining Christmas.

- Okay, okay, relax. Relax.

- I can't!

Look, your father hasn't met

the new evolved Dusty.

You're a progressive,

sensitive, child-first parent.

That's exactly the stuff he's gonna

make fun of us for. You'll see.

He's gonna scoff at everything

we do. He's a scoffer, Brad.

Pepe, you have a grown son,

right?

Si.

Why don't you tell Dusty here

how much your son means to you

in this season of good cheer?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- You see?

- He didn't say nice things

like you think he did, Brad.

Dusty, you're being silly.

I mean, who wouldn't be

impressed with you?

Come on. (GASPS)

Dear God!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

He looks as if he's been

chiseled from Gibraltar itself.

This is gonna come off weird,

Dusty, but he's beautiful.

I want to be his friend so bad.

- Dusty. (CHUCKLES)

- Hey, Pop.

- How was your flight?

- Not bad.

Took 20 minutes to get

to the gate though.

What's with that bottleneck

you got out there?

I'm sorry our local airport tarmac's

not up to your standards, huh?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize

you designed this airport,

or I'd have been

more sensitive.

Oh, I guess I'll move to a new

town with a better airport

that way you won't be inconvenienced

when you show up every five years or so.

(CHUCKLES) Same old

Mr. Touchy. I love it.

Here you go, Pancho.

Why don't you bring the car around,

we'll meet you at the curb.

Right away, sir.

I mean, no, I'm sorry,

I'm not the driver.

No, I'm Brad.

The stepdad.

- This is Sara's husband.

- Why is he with you?

(GASPS) Dad!

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

That sweater. He wears a red sweater,

so I can see him in a crowd.

Dad!

That's him, that's Dad.

(GRUNTS)

Dad. Dad.

(LAUGHING)

- I made a sign.

- There's my big man.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And this guy's raising

your kids half the time?

He hasn't seen his dad

in a really long time.

It's only been since Thanksgiving,

but it feels like forever.

- It does!

- BOTH:
Oh!

Four weeks? It's been

a few years for us.

What should we do? You want

me to take my pants off?

BRAD:
Hey, where's Mom?

You didn't get her text?

Uncle Arny came down with

a bad case of the shingles.

- No.

- So Mom's staying back

- to take care of him.

- Okay.

But, hey, you still got me.

I sure do. I sure do!

BOTH:
Oh!

BRAD:
We're gonna

have the best time.

(GASPS) Oh! Dusty!

- Hey, Don.

- Hey, Muscles, come here.

(STAMMERS) I've got a cold.

Stay away. Don, Don!

Say, Dusty,

Brad told me about this

Together Christmas we're doing.

You two are such wonderful,

progressive co-dads.

Co-dads?

I'm so sorry. Mr. Mayron,

this is my father, Don Whitaker.

The pleasure is all mine,

Captain!

You piloted the Space Shuttle

Atlantis in 1992

and commanded the Endeavour

on three missions in 1994!

All right, come on,

we're out this way.

Thanks, Dusty.

Say, Kurt, did you meet any

interesting folks on your flight?

- I met a Scotch and a pillow.

- (LAUGHS)

You know, actually,

I always pick the flights

that have the most connections

so that

I get to chat with as many

new people as possible.

- Oh, so you're a lunatic. Good to know.

- That's me!

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS) Looks like one of your neighbors

is getting an oversized parcel.

Hello!

Don Whitaker,

United States Postal Service!

Retired, but never too old to

lend a hand to a fellow carrier.

Brad, I gotta tell you, this baby

sure gives you a smooth ride.

Oh, thank you, Kurt.

Yeah, it is surprisingly

responsive.

Brad, he's not...

So do they take your balls

right there at the dealership,

or do you send them in

with the registration?

How does it work exactly?

No, no, they didn't take my balls.

Just $2,000 down.

This your place, Dusty?

- I pictured it nicer.

- BRAD:
Yeah, Dusty's house is nicer.

This is my house.

Just thought you'd like to

step in and see the kids.

Only if it's okay. Look, we don't

want to infringe on your days.

(SCOFFS) Of course, don't be silly.

Come on, guys.

You got to ask another man's

permission to see your own kids?

(SCOFFS) Unbelievable.

We're back! With more daddies!

Hey! Look how big you two got!

Come on. Don't I get a hug?

Come on!

(KURT CHUCKLES)

And who's this barroom brawler?

MEGAN:
He's our brother,

Griffy, silly.

Hey, come here, pardner.

Dusty, you never told me.

- Why, he looks just like you.

- Yeah, not my kid.

Oh, no, no, no.

I fathered that one.

Oh. Ah, then how does he

relate to me then?

Well, he is the brother

of your grandkids, Kurt.

- Oh. Here, here.

- Oh. Okay.

Hey, looking good, Buttercup.

Good to see you.

- Look who's here!

- BOTH:
Pop-Pop!

(LAUGHS)

- Tell us a Pop-Pop joke!

- DON:
Ooh, ooh.

What's a good one?

Why does a duck have feathers?

Why?

- To cover up his butt quack.

- (ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, kids,

I got a good one for you.

- Two dead hookers wash up on the shore...

- Hey, hey!

- Whoa, whoa, shut up.

- No way. No way.

- Sara. How's my girl?

- Hi!

What, Ginny couldn't make it?

Oh, she feels terrible.

But she sent a batch of

her special cookies!

- Is there milk in that kitchen?

- MEGAN:
Yay!

DON:
I want the first one.

I get the first one!

So he gets to be Pop-Pop

and I'm just Grandpa Kurt?

What? I'm in charge of the

cutesy grandpa names now?

Look, if you want a better name, maybe

try showing up a little more often.

Tell the kids, from now on,

it's El Padre.

No more hooker jokes.

These don't taste like La-La's cookies.

They taste like Chips Ahoys.

DON:
No, no. I sat right there

in the kitchen

and watched Grandma

bake them just yesterday.

DYLAN:
I like them.

So, this co-dads thing,

is that what you call it?

Yeah, that's what we call it.

So, on his watch,

he disciplines your kids,

gives them advice, tucks

them in, so forth

and that bothers

you not a bit?

Doesn't bother me at all.

And his total lack of

masculinity...

I mean, his weak chin and soft

underbelly influencing your son,

you're good there,

too? Yeah?

You know what? I'm just feeling like

maybe you guys want a little privacy.

Stay right there,

Brad, all right?

He's just trying

to stir the turd.

- (SCOFFS)

- You can scoff all you want.

Everything is rock solid

between me and Brad here.

- In fact, best friends.

- Really? (SNIFFLES)

- Thank you.

- Brad. Stop it. Now.

- I'm good.

- He gets really emotional.

- Brad. Hey. Brother.

- Did you call me "brother"?

B-Dawg.

Chill out, man. Relax.

All right? Cut it out.

- Brad, don't.

- I know.

Stop. All right, look. Hey.

Brad, stop!

Looks like you two guys

have a real solid arrangement.

You're spending Christmas

together and everything.

Speaking of which, whose place

are we doing that at?

We're totally happy to host

if it makes it easier.

Yeah, we could do it at my place.

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