Daddy's Home 2 Page #5

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He was a bedwetter.

I was a bedwetter.

Were you a bedwetter?

I was four years old!

BRAD:
Okay,

everyone take it easy.

It's not Dusty's fault that he

lets Adrianna walk all over him.

She does not walk all over me!

I can see how being a stepdad,

you might not feel empowered to

discipline someone else's child.

- (SCOFFS)

- Hey, quit your scoffing, all right?

And you two quit helping me.

Look, Karen and Roger spoil her

to no end.

It's crazy!

And there's nothing you can do.

I get it!

You're the stepdad.

You're screwed.

That kid's never

gonna respect you

unless you bring

the hammer down.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

- What the hell was that, Brad?

(CHUCKLES) I know.

He's old school.

I think you handled this

really well, Brad.

I'm so proud of the way

you express yourself.

Come here.

Again? Really?

Good night, Dusty!

- BRAD:
Good night, Dad.

- DON:
Good night, Brad.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

- Jump! Jump!

- DON:
Come on, Griff.

Jumpy, jumpy, jumpy!

Casey's here!

Hey, guys.

Hey.

ADRIANNA:
Hey, Dylan, look.

Casey's here.

You want to come French her?

Yeah, you want to go do French

on your girlfriend, Dylan?

SARA:
Megan! Leave him alone.

And where did you learn

"do French"?

I'll go talk to him.

Dylan? You okay, buddy?

(SIGHS)

I just... I don't get

the whole girls thing.

Oh.

Girls, yeah.

Yeah, that can be tricky.

But you know who'd be really good

in explaining that department?

Your dad. Let me go grab him.

No, Brad! I just want to

talk to you about this.

Just you, Brad, please?

Me? You sure you don't want to

talk to your dad?

Oh, well, girls. Okay.

Huh. Um...

All right, the girl talk.

You know, boys have a...

A dingle, right? And girls have

a hoo-hoo or a whim-wham.

- Brad, I already know about that stuff.

- You do?

- Yes. From school, and it's gross.

- Perfect!

I just want to know what to do

if I, you know,

I like somebody.

Right, well...

You want to become

her friend first.

You want to be that one

that she confides in,

that she tells you

about all of her problems

with the guys

she's actually dating.

Got it.

It's called the Friend Zone.

And it's where

we Whitaker men thrive.

We're the best in the biz.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Here we are in a wild frontier,

full of majestic pines,

and you two numb nuts are

sorting through

a bunch of dried twigs

on a Rite Aid parking lot.

You just can't go out on public

land and cut down a tree, Dad.

Dusty, we are the public.

We own those trees.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, I get it. You need to

ask co-dad for permission.

Oh, shut up. I know what you're

trying to do.

What am I doing?

Make it look like I can't make a move

without checking in with Brad first.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Am I right about that?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, God.

(SCOFFS)

BRAD:
And we own the paint

in the Friend Zone.

And sure we're gonna lose some.

Doesn't matter.

We're gonna lose a lot,

I'll be frank with you.

Well, what do you know?

Brad's having that

nitty-gritty talk for you.

Must be nice to have someone

to handle the tough stuff, huh?

(SIGHS) And eventually

you'll keep in touch.

You might even be invited to

their wedding!

And their dad's like,

"Brad, what are you doing here?

"Teresa never talks about you!"

And you're like, "I'm invited."

And he's, "I wonder about that."

And you show them the proof!

Always bring the wedding invite

with you.

- Then they can't kick you out.

- Okay.

But you'll be sad ultimately

knowing that she's not with you,

and you want to prepare yourself

with, like, a mixtape of sad songs.

Anything from Chicago

is usually pretty good.

If you leave me now

You take away the biggest

part of me

I don't really know that song.

Ooh-wee, no, baby, please

don't go

Wait! No, no, no! Dylan,

that is the worst advice

anyone could give you.

Listen to your dad, please.

It's okay, Dad.

We don't have to talk about it.

No, no, buddy, buddy, wait,

wait, look!

Hey, this stuff is all about

confidence.

You just got to believe you're

the best she's ever gonna find.

You believe that to your core, and

she will, too, I promise you.

But what if she doesn't?

Buddy, you can't be afraid

of rejection.

You'll never find love

if you're too scared to

put yourself out there.

KURT:
Hey, Goggles?

Mistletoe is your ticket.

You walk right up to her,

you dangle this over her head,

and then you slap your spaghetti

suckers right on her.

I don't know if that's

appropriate.

It's a time-honored holiday

tradition, Mr. War-On-Christmas.

Then you give her a nice smack

on the caboose

and tell her what a lucky girl

she is.

- Don't listen to that part, all right?

- Yeah, don't listen to that part.

Look at me. Look at me.

You want to be like Brad

and be in the Friend Zone,

or you wanna be Dad

and get in the end zone?

This worked for me when I was

your age.

You want to go for it, buddy?

Come on, you can do this.

A love like ours

is love that's hard to find

How could we let it

slip away?

No! I like Brad's way more.

I just want to be her friend

and listen to her problems!

MEGAN:
My tree, my tree,

my tree, my tree.

My tree, my tree.

Can I yell "Timber"?

- Sure can, sweetheart.

- Yay!

DON:
Is this okay?

Are any of these trees

even gonna fit in the cabin?

We're gonna cut off

the top 25 feet

and chop the rest up for

firewood, Don.

Oh.

Now, this is the Duster Buster

I remember.

A certified badass

that makes his own rules!

Go find a good tree, would you?

Boy, I don't know about this,

Kurt.

Isn't it illegal to harvest

a tree from public lands?

Oh, hell, yeah.

It's a federal crime.

I tried to talk him out of it, but you

know how stubborn that kid can be.

Okay.

Dusty, look, I know you're upset

about Dylan, but I just...

I told you, Brad, I'm not upset,

all right? We're co-dads!

If he prefers your terrible

advice, fine, I'm cool with that.

I just want to find the perfect

Together Christmas tree.

Well, I just don't know if

it's the best choice, you know?

Well, maybe we're not always gonna

do everything your way every time.

Trouble in paradise, fellas?

- No, we're picking a tree.

- Just having a conversation.

MEGAN AND DYLAN:
El Padre!

Lookit!

Hey, what, kids?

What, you find a dead squirrel?

We don't have to

do things my way.

- Really?

- Yeah.

What about baseball snack?

I just wanted to give out Fruit

Roll-Ups, and what's the big deal?

No, I just feel like organic

fruit is much more nutritious

than its rolled-up counterpart.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

And what about Megan's diorama? You

didn't want to use any of my ideas.

Your only idea was

the Bay of Pigs!

But it's an important event

in our nation's history!

It was bloody.

You wanted her to do green energy

so you could look Mr. Perfect Dad.

- I'm not Mr. Perfect Dad.

- You act like Mr. Perfect Dad.

I'm not Mr. Perfect Dad.

And we don't have to do things

my way.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay. You don't think I can

operate a chainsaw, do you?

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