Daddy's Home 2 Page #6

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Guess who got his woodlands

management badge in Webelos.

I did! Brad Whitaker.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ah!

Dusty, look at this one.

Perfectly symmetrical.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Keep an eye out for rangers!

I've got to pinpoint

a 60 degree angle top cut.

That's what I'm gonna do first.

Oh, yeah!

She's cutting like butter!

Hey, Brad, isn't that a...

- (TREE CRACKING)

- (CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

Hold it, hold it!

MEGAN:
Timber!

(LAUGHS) Wow!

Brad, you cut down

a cell phone tower.

Why'd you cut down

a cell phone tower?

- (PHONE BEEPS)

- No bars? No bars?

(SCREAMS)

- KURT:
That was excellent!

- Get up.

- You really stuck that landing, man.

- Would you get up?

I'd give you a 9.2 on my card.

- Brad, get up.

- I think Brad's dead again.

Man, you killed

the poor bastard!

Brad, don't go into the light!

It's okay, sweetheart.

El Padre will bring him back.

- Stand clear.

- I got it, all right?

It's your fault

we're even out here.

You're getting in our heads and

starting static between me and Brad.

(SCOFFS) There's plenty of static

between you and Brad already.

And you know what? Deep down,

you want him dead, don't you?

You can say it.

We all want him dead. I want him dead.

Everybody does.

- What?

- Come on, admit it.

Why don't you admit why you

invited yourself to Christmas?

Well, why don't you tell me,

smart guy?

'Cause you knew I was back here

trying to be a good dad,

be around for my kids

the way you never were for me.

That's why you want to crap all

over it.

- Get up, Brad!

- (GASPS)

Oh, my God, what happened?

You cut down

a cell phone tower, Brad.

You know, you're right.

I did invite myself

to Christmas.

But that's because you never do.

(BRAD GROANS)

I feel like I died again.

Did I die again?

A little bit. Come on.

Okay. Our report's

all squared away.

Yimmy, Bill,

thank you guys so much

for the understanding.

We really appreciate it.

BRAD:
I'm so sorry.

I'm truly embarrassed.

BILL:
No, hey.

It was an honest mistake.

YIMMY:
Okay, you're all set.

BILL:
Okay, We'd better get back

to the site and lock it down.

Hold on one second.

Is there any way

we could do better than $20,000?

Can't you reuse some

of the antenna equipment?

Sorry, no. These old 4G units

are obsolete already.

That's why you're getting

this one so cheap!

- It looks really nice, though.

- It sure does.

Hey, guys, keep it up, it looks

great. Happy Holidays.

Happy Christmas, guys. Thanks.

Please tell me you did not just

spend $20,000 on a Christmas tree?

Twenty thousand dollars.

"Can you hear me now?"

You want some eggnog?

- Mmm. Yummy.

- Hey!

- I want some!

- Me, too!

Now, girls,

that's a grown-up drink.

Yes. Thank you, Karen.

So we're only gonna have one.

SARA:
What? No, no, no!

There's rum in there,

so not any.

BOTH:
Aw!

Are you writing about me?

All right. Somebody want

to plug her in?

Yeah, I got it.

DYLAN:
Cool!

That's weird.

DYLAN:
Wow!

What do you think?

It's so pretty.

Well, it ought to be

at 1,200 bucks a foot.

Dad, we're lighting the tree!

Where's my dad?

Yeah, I thought it was

a little quiet around here.

- Pop-Pop?

- Don?

Pop-Pop?

Is he still outside?

BRAD:
Dad!

Dad?

Dad?

DON:
Brad!

Dad! Where are you?

- I found him! Where are you?

- DON:
I don't know.

- Are you hurt?

- DON:
Oh, no, no!

No, I just can't quite get up.

(PANTING) Oh!

Dad, don't move.

There's a pack of wolves on you.

- DON:
Is that what it is?

- Yeah.

I can feel something

tugging at my trousers.

- What color are they, Brad?

- They're gray wolves.

DON:
That'll be Canis lupus.

They're dangerous.

BRAD:
Really? They look like you

could just reach out and pet them.

I kind of want to pet them, Dad.

Now, Brad. Don't make eye

contact with the alpha wolf.

I already did!

Right in the eyes.

DON:
Don't show any fear.

I don't want to watch the wolves

eat you!

DON:
Breathe deep

and pull yourself together.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hut!

Hut! Hurt!

Are you saying "hut" or "hurt"?

Dad, what happened?

You know, I saw the nicest tree

a ways off,

and I got a little off course.

I tried to call you, but all of

a sudden my signal dropped!

Really?

I tried to find my way back,

but at some point I lost

consciousness.

That's about when the wolves

must have come across me.

It's all right, fellas.

You didn't have to go to any

trouble. It's all good.

I'm sorry for all the hugs.

I kind of don't want to let go.

I almost thought I'd lost you

out there to those nasty wolves.

Do you have any idea

how much I love you?

Well, of course I do.

You tweet about it every day.

You know how much I love you,

too, don't you?

- Your answer is right in here.

- (GASPS)

I can see it!

(SCOFFS)

Okay, now that everyone is

accounted for,

can we please talk about who is

paying for that monstrosity?

Well, you know, it was Dusty's

idea to cut down the tree.

Yeah, and it was your idea to cut

down the cell phone tower, Brad.

Great, so as per usual

we get stuck paying.

- Wait, what does that mean?

- I think it's a nice tree.

I don't know. Dylan's retainer?

Megan's flute?

What about Tae Kwon Do

that you signed them up for

and didn't even ask us about?

Yes, and who paid for the trip

to the aquarium last week?

It's a really nice tree.

So now we're keeping score, huh?

Well, who paid for the parking and

bought each one of them a blowup orca?

After we told them they

couldn't have a blowup orca!

Yeah, because you were too cheap

to buy them a blowup orca!

Who crushed my car with a snow

blower? You did, Brad.

Who crushed my car

with a motorcycle?

Hello! You again!

DON:
Hey!

It's a beautiful tree!

It's beautiful, all right?

BRAD:
Okay, yeah. Dad's right.

It's a beautiful tree.

KURT:
Whoa!

Don, I'm sorry, I don't think I'm

gonna be able to save the foot.

Yeah, that baby's coming off.

I'll need some morphine

and a bread knife.

Brad, hold him down.

(LAUGHS) Oh, no.

That's just my feet.

It's the mail carrier's curse.

Back when I used to

sleep with your mom,

I once scratched her leg so bad

with a piece of rogue heel skin,

it actually drew blood.

What do you mean,

used to sleep with Ginny?

What?

Oh. We sleep

in separate bedrooms.

You know how badly I snore,

Brad.

Boy, that is inspiring!

You know? The way you're always so

considerate to the other person.

KURT:
Ugh.

I really want to take

this foot off.

(SNORING)

DUSTY:
Hey, sweetie.

You know, you might want to

close your window.

You know, since it's winter?

You're not my dad.

You know, I appreciate you reminding

me of that every few hours.

But, you know,

we're not the only people here,

so maybe we set the thermostat

to like 75?

I mean, that's still really

toasty, right?

Okay, well, what if I counter

you at like 78?

And then you negotiate with me,

you come back at like 83,

and then maybe we settle

at like 80.

- What do you say to that?

- 81.

Deal!

Look at that. The two of us

are starting to see eye to eye.

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