Daddy's Home 2 Page #8

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To take a gun into the

wilderness,

find an animal living free,

and take away its life.

So that it can never

breathe or run

or play ever again.

Now, is that

what you really want?

Yes.

- No. I don't want to do that.

- Ah.

You have a good heart, Dylan.

I'll do it! I'll kill a turkey!

Can I shoot one? Please?

I'll have one shotgun, please,

Santa.

And gobs and gobs of bullets.

No, no, no, cupcake.

No, I'm sorry.

No, the men do the hunting.

You ladies cook what we kill.

Excuse me?

Yeah, excuse you?

Here, turkey, turkey, turkey!

Be patient, sweetheart.

The decoys are right

around the corner.

KURT:
This is nice, huh, Dust?

You and me, the fresh air.

Just like old times.

What do you mean

"just like old times"?

You only took me once, Dad.

DON:
Jeez, I don't know.

Are you sure this is a good

idea, Sara?

Megan is a strong

independent woman.

If she wants to help thin

the wild turkey population

so that they don't starve to

death in the winter,

that is her right

by the Second Amendment.

Boy, you bought into

that real quick.

I mean, I think for Megan,

this is less about wildlife

conservation and more about bloodlust.

Looks like somebody picked

the wrong day to be a turkey.

KURT:
Keep your elbow down

and cradle the stock, okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Can I shoot the damn thing

or not?

Yeah, that's the spirit.

DUSTY:
Take a deep breath,

and then squeeze that trigger

as you're letting it out.

Megan, are you sure

this is what you want to do?

- (SHUSHES)

- DON:
Let's name it.

She's not gonna kill it if it

has a name.

- Yes! Gertrude.

- Sam? Tom?

Billie Holiday! No.

- Elijah.

- Elijah!

- DON:
Elijah, run home!

- KURT:
Stand your ground, kid.

Save yourself, Elijah!

Take the shot, kid.

Take the shot.

BRAD:
No, Elijah has feelings!

Take the shot!

- (MEGAN SCREAMS)

- (GUN FIRES)

Oh, God!

Dad!

Oh, my God. Honey, are you okay?

- BRAD:
Kurt!

- Dad, Dad, are you all right?

I'm okay. She just winged me.

I'm sorry, El Padre! I'm sorry.

That's okay, kid. I've been shot

worse than this plenty of times.

DUSTY:
Make your scarf

into a tourniquet.

Wrap it around his shoulder.

Lift his legs!

- You'll be fine, sweetheart.

- I'm gonna bleed out.

Wow.

Two for two.

Makes getting shot worth it.

Get the birds, Brad.

God! I don't know

who this child is.

You get that one.

(SIGHS)

What? I know, okay?

It's on me.

I'm the worst mom in the world.

I put a gun in my daughter's hand,

and then she nearly killed somebody.

She's gonna be scarred for life.

MEGAN:
Hi!

I just shot a turkey and a man.

Guess which one's dead.

Okay, fine, maybe

she's a little too unscarred.

Jeez.

- You all right?

- Yeah, good.

All right. So, listen, the doctor said

everything is gonna be all right.

He just wants to keep you

for a couple of hours

to watch your blood pressure.

I'm fine. Where's my pants?

Hey. I forgot. Nothing ever

hurts you.

Why don't we just round up all

the nurses?

We can bring them in here.

You could do some

pushups for them,

maybe bench press the couch

a little bit,

prove you're still a tough guy.

- Still tough enough to lick you, Junior.

- (SCOFFS)

- Was that a scoff?

- I didn't scoff.

Yeah, I heard you scoff just

then.

All right, I scoffed. So what?

Why, because you think

you can lick me, right?

I never said I could lick you,

but I could whoop you for sure.

Now we're talking!

Come on. Best out of three

falls, come on.

Hey, cut it out, okay? I'm not

gonna wrestle an old man

whose ass is hanging out

of his hospital gown.

Greco-Roman style. Best way.

Come on.

Hey, Great Santini, I'm not

gonna do this, all right?

- Cut it out. Get some rest.

- All right.

Hey!

That's one, candy-ass.

Now you're gonna get whipped,

old man.

Come on. Bring it on.

(THUDDING)

- Tap out!

- Nah. I can keep going all night, kid.

You hear that heart rate?

You can set your watch to it.

Yeah. 'Cause ice water

only flows at one speed, huh?

That's right, pal.

Now go to sleep.

You know I came in to say something

nice, but now you can forget it.

What nice thing?

No. Forget it.

You know,

when that gun went off,

I thought you were a goner.

There's something that we never

say that

one of us should say before it's

too late.

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Yeah? Like... Like what?

No, I'm not gonna say it now, but

maybe you want to say something.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh, yeah?

Seems like you might want to

get something off your chest.

No. Nothing comes to mind.

But if you want to say

something,

I'm not gonna stop you or

anything.

No, I'm good.

But you might wanna

unburden yourself

before you bust

that frickin' machine.

Yeah. Well, if I was gonna say

something, and I'm not...

What are you gonna say?

But if I was, I might want to

tell you that I...

- BRAD:
Hello?

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Wait, it's Brad! Don't...

Don't say it! Don't say it.

BRAD:
Knock, knock!

Time out on three, okay?

One, two, three.

Hey, Brad.

What's going on?

Hey. Am I interrupting

something?

- What? No, nothing.

- No, we're fine.

Why are you being so weird,

Brad?

BRAD:
Just seems

a little awkward in here.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, gosh.

It smells like a bullfight.

So, look, guys,

I'm not here to tell you I told

you so,

even though I did.

I've just been thinking that

we've had a lot of tensions

as of late, and I thought

maybe we could use

a Dads' Night Out. Right?

Yeah. So what are we thinking,

Brad?

Strip club?

Even better.

Look, it's a cute tiny monkey

on your back.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Give us all the money in the

drawers and all the lollipops.

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

Guys, I can't keep up.

I'm gonna hit the head.

- I'll get us a couple more drinks.

- KURT:
Sure.

Hey, am I crazy or are you guys

having a good time?

I don't know.

I think we kind of are.

- That's wonderful, Dusty!

- Thanks, Don.

I told you we'd rub off

on you two.

In this room right now,

there's a man who,

despite his advancing years,

is apparently an improv ninja.

Brad, you didn't.

I did. I so did!

Don Whitaker, ladies and

gentlemen!

All right. All right.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

You are the greatest.

ACTRESS:
Don!

Let's hear it for Don!

We're gonna play

a little "Arms Akimbo."

Do you know that one?

- Of course I do!

- Awesome.

They're gonna love this.

- Can somebody do my Velcro?

- Yes.

He's got tiny little girl arms!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

DON:
Okay. We're gonna do a scene,

and we need some suggestions.

Can you suggest an animal?

- MAN:
Raccoon!

- BRAD:
A panda!

DON:
Raccoon, good! All right.

And, sir, what is your

profession?

MAN:
I'm a dermatologist.

DON:
And finally we need

a human relationship.

Oh! Father and son!

A healthy father and son

relationship.

Or how about a divorce?

Now you're getting in the

spirit, Dusty.

Yes. Okay. We're taking

"divorce."

That's all we need. Give it up!

That's really dark.

KYLE:
Oh, come on, babe.

Just a little fun before

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