Daddy's Home 2 Page #9

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he gets here.

No. Stop it. I told you, okay?

No canoodling until

the divorce is finalized.

- It's not right.

- Come on.

Knock, knock.

He has no idea what

he's walking into!

You're home!

Yes.

Where were you?

I took our raccoon to the

dermatologist.

He got two

of the suggestions already.

He's on fire!

Aren't you even gonna address

the strange man in your home?

Yeah, bro, don't you even

want to know who I am?

I know who you are.

KYLE:
Don, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'm gonna start

giving it to your wife.

Shut up!

Just shut up with

that kind of talk!

When we met on that flight,

I was really nice to you.

I listened to you tell your

stupid story over and over again,

and I complimented your hat!

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Brad, we have to stop this.

- He's killing!

Don't you see what's happening?

I do. I see a room of people

laughing at my father.

- It's amazing.

- Okay.

- Have some water.

- No, I don't want water.

Oh!

DON:
I don't want water!

I want my wife back.

And I want our Sunday brunches

at the Cracker Barrel.

Braddie, we've got to get him

off the stage.

All you needed was

somebody to listen to you,

and all I do is talk.

On and on and on.

When am I ever gonna learn

to shut my big fat mouth?

Ooh.

Ginny.

Ginny.

My sweet Ginny.

Why is he using

my mom's real name?

Hey, Dad?

Is this true?

Are you and Mom divorced?

I wanted to tell you, Brad.

Son, you're home

from summer camp!

I don't go to summer camp,

I'm a grown man. Okay?

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Why are you laughing?

I'm not part of this! Okay?

You are a part of this family, and

you will respect your parents.

- Yeah.

- Shut up!

- Brad.

- Just shut up.

Let me out of this bit!

What about him?

Is he still around?

Do I have a stepdad?

(CROWD LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Stop doing that to me!

I'm a paying customer!

Brad, let's go.

Come on.

Will you please just go out

there and talk to him?

He won't talk to me,

and I don't blame him.

You know, it's not really all

your fault.

You can't blame Dusty.

He couldn't have known about Ginny and

me when he made that improv suggestion.

- You did know!

- It was pretty obvious, Don.

A guy your age either joins

an improv group

because his wife left him,

or his wife left him because he

joined an improv group.

- So you did it on purpose?

- No! Well...

Well, yeah. All right? I did.

You and Brad are all lovey-dovey

and smug about your relationship.

I mean, you make out every

chance you get.

Meanwhile, my dad's ditching out

on me.

Maybe I got a little jealous,

all right?

Look, I didn't think

you were gonna freak out

and spill your guts to a room

full of drunken skiers!

- Hey. What is wrong with you?

- What? I didn't...

Go out there

and fix this right now.

- Go!

- All right.

Are you serious?

I'm keeping this.

(GRUNTING)

Are you okay?

Uh...

My parents are divorced.

Oh. Mine, too.

Sucks.

- Yeah.

- I think it was my fault.

- Was yours your fault, too?

- I don't know. I hope not.

I just found out last night.

When did you find out?

- I was a baby.

- When you were a baby?

Maybe it was your fault.

Were you a difficult baby?

I don't know.

You know what? Your lack of specifics

leads me to believe it was your fault.

No, no, no! You were not

a difficult baby, sweetheart.

Brad, dude, what are you

telling the kid?

Come on, man. I know

you're upset about last night.

All right? I'm sorry

about what happened, okay?

I didn't mean to give

that improv suggestion.

It just... It just kind of

slipped out.

(SIGHS)

- Know what, Dusty? It's okay.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Thanks, Brad.

Look, why don't you come in and talk

to Don? He's feeling a little...

BRAD:
Oh, my gosh.

I wonder who that could be?

What a nice truck!

ADRIANNA:
Daddy!

- What are you doing here?

- Come on. What am I doing?

I want to celebrate Christmas

with my perfect little girl.

Don't you want to spend the holidays

with your one true real dad?

ADRIANNA:
Yeah, come on!

- Let's come see the cabin.

- Hey, Roger.

It's so cool!

Come on, hurry.

You're going too slow.

ROGER:
I'm coming, sweetheart.

You invite him all the way up

here just to get back at me?

Yeah, I did.

- WOMAN:
Bye, Kurt! Call me!

- Yeah, next time I'm in.

(LAUGHING)

That's her dad, yeah?

Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES)

And you invited him,

too, didn't you?

I sure did, yep.

I don't know what I missed,

but this is getting good, boys.

- I like your style, Brad.

- Hey, hey, hey.

(LAUGHING)

You're opening up the harbor,

Brad.

The harbor is wide open,

and it's Fleet Week!

All right, good. 'Cause I got a

few boats that want to set sail.

Yeah, good. So do I.

You favor little Griffy

over my kids.

What? I do not!

He gets to sleep in your bed

all the time.

Megan and Dylan never get to.

You want them to sleep

in my bed with me?

God, no! Don't you ever think

about it!

I'm not thinking about it!

- You brought it up.

- Good! You better not.

- BOTH:
Shut up!

- Hey, you shut up.

- You shut up!

- No, you shut up!

Okay. Well, he's not gonna be part of that

special thing we got planned tonight,

if that's what you're thinking.

Oh, yeah?

So you're gonna tell Adrianna

that everyone's invited

to that "special thing"

we have planned for tonight,

except her dad.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

BRAD:
Hey. Five more minutes

and I get to be Joseph.

You're not the right type

to play Jesus' dad, Brad.

He wasn't Jesus' dad,

he was Jesus' stepdad.

And I'm exactly the right type.

You'd better stop hitting me

with that shepherd stick, Brad.

I'm warning you.

Brad's right.

Let him be Joseph.

Thank you, Roger, I appreciate

that.

It's Brad's turn, Dusty.

Dad, don't break character.

And stop trying to butter me up.

- Can we show some decorum?

- I'm showing decorum.

You guys, zip it!

You're gonna wake up Baby Jesus.

That's it. Give me the beard.

Don't touch my Joseph beard,

Brad!

- Give him the beard!

- Dad, stay out of it!

Can we have some respect for the

Nativity?

Cut it out!

This is stupid.

I don't even get it.

Why go on a trip when

Mary's about to have a baby?

What's so damn important

you got to go to Bethlehem

in the middle of the night?

There was a census, okay? We

covered that in Sunday School.

Megan, what is going...

Did you get into the eggnog?

Hey. Who's up for some IHOP?

Yeah, that kid's pickled all

right.

Mom, you're pretty.

Can we go to IHOP?

I'm sorry, folks.

Having some technical

difficulties.

Great, Dad. Now you've broken

the fourth wall!

None of it's real, folks.

I want to go wait in the car.

Give me the keys, Brad!

No, I am not giving you

the keys to the car,

because you're drunk

and you're a child.

Nobody likes your dumb,

stupid Brad voice.

And you smell like pumpkins!

- And you're a mean drunk.

- Kid's got an arm.

Drunk nine-year-old.

Real nice parenting.

You better watch it, Roger.

(CROWD GASPING)

Adrianna! Are you okay,

sweetheart?

Is she okay? Is she...

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