Daddy's Home Page #10

and the soundtrack of Frozen

that's on a goddamn loop all the time!

And he just waltzes in for a few days,

and now he gets to go as well? No!

No, she's got to choose.

It's either me or him!

- Megan, you got to choose!

- (SARA SHUSHING)

- You got to choose!

- SARA:
Hey!

It's the biggest decision of your life!

Hey!

You know what? I'm going to pretend

you're not acting like a crazy person,

because I know you're very upset.

But you need to get over yourself. Okay?

Now go down there and

be happy with your kids.

No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand

for these seats. I'm not leaving them!

What?

- (STAMMERING)

- What did you just say?

Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.

(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.

Thank you.

Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...

No!

I think you should sit

in your $18,000 seats,

and think of all the better ways

your family could have used that money.

Sara.

The guy from the nuclear sub thing?

- Mayron! That's him.

- That's the guy?

Can I get some beers down here?

Can I get five beers?

Excuse me, some beers!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

THE WHIP:
What's up, everybody?

Let's make some noise!

Whoo-hoo!

Tonight, one lucky fan is going to

get a chance to shoot from half court

to win a family vacation to Disney World!

(ALL CHEERING)

And our lucky fan is sitting in

section 113,

row 6,

C-1. Where is he?

Let's see it. Where is he?

It's me. It's me, I win!

- There he is.

- I win.

I'm-a make it to Disneyland.

I'm-a make it all right.

- All right, Brad!

- Yay, Brad!

Yay, Brad!

All right, sir, how you doing?

What's your name?

First off, I love my kids.

He loves his kids! Let's give it up!

And if anyone was ever

to do anything to them,

- I would hurt them.

- Okay.

I would freakin' hurt them!

THE WHIP:
Okay.

This guy over here is trying to take them!

Trying to steal my family.

He doesn't sweat!

Okay, you know what?

Why don't we just shoot...

But I got news for you, buddy!

Last night, while you were sleeping,

I made love to our wife!

- Okay.

- My wife!

BRAD:
Sara, right over there!

Took my wiener out of my pants!

This is a family event, okay?

- Boo! Boo!

- All right.

So,

even if Sara does pick you,

you're going to have to be

the stepdad to my kid!

You see how you like it! Okay?

THE WHIP:
Let's get somebody else

down here, all right? Somebody else...

Somebody else is going to win

a family trip!

Give me that ball, you.

This one's for Dylan and Megan

and Sara and Dylan.

Nothing but net.

THE WHIP:
All right, he's going for it!

Nothing but net!

(GRUNTS)

- (GROANING)

- (ALL GASPING)

Do-over!

- That's a do-over!

- No do-over. No.

It's a do-over!

- (GROANS)

- (ALL GASPING)

(BRAD THUDDING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

THE WHIP:
I'm so sorry

you had to see that. I'm so sorry.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

SARA:
Hey, kids, why don't you go inside

and put on your pajamas?

- What are you doing?

- I'm comforting you.

Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.

But I just want you to know

that I'm here for you and the kids.

Oh, really? You want to be

a real parent now? Is that what this is?

Absolutely. I'm here now.

Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.

With Brad gone, the kids

are gonna have to be dropped off,

picked up, taken to swimming lessons.

Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,

and Megan has a dentist

appointment on Friday.

Sara, I know in the past

I've been unreliable,

but this is a new me. All right?

This is the new Dusty.

Well, you can't take them

to school on a motorcycle.

- You need a car.

- Done.

Okay.

Hey! You're not staying here!

Are you sure you don't need

company right now?

I mean, you're going through

a tough transition here.

Be here at 6:
30 tomorrow morning.

Well, can I at least

come in and get my stuff?

No!

DUSTY:
I'm gonna wait for a while,

in case you change your mind.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Oh...

What did you throw Griff out for?

- This place is chaotic.

- (SCOFFS)

There's always some bullshit

going on in that house.

God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?

Let's do it.

Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.

DORIS:
Okay. No running!

All right. Lindsey! Sloane!

Car's open right down there!

Okay, sir, inside the cones!

Just like ice cream!

Keep it inside...

That's right! Thank you.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Hi. I see you've been picking up

Megan and Dylan these past few days.

Should I expect you from now on?

Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,

so yeah, from now on.

Terrific. I see that you also haven't

signed up to volunteer in the lane.

Brad was so good about

helping us out in the lane,

in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.

We could always count on him

for bake sales, Spring Sing,

costumes for Winter Pageant.

You know the drill.

I hope I can count on you

to be the new Brad.

Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.

I mean, I'm their real dad,

so, yeah, I'll be here every day.

Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,

I'm gonna need you to circle around

to the back of the line. Okay?

- No, I can't go around.

- Thanks.

I came ten minutes early

so I don't have to...

If your kids aren't here,

you have to go around!

I know. There's somebody

in front of me. Okay?

Just go around!

I can't just go over the

cones! I'm boxed in here!

- Go around!

- No, you can't! Okay?

She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!

- (HONKING)

- Go around!

DORIS:
Inside the cones!

Amanda has got a recital!

I have to get there! You need to go!

(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)

(REVVING ENGINE)

- (TIRES SQUEALING)

- DORIS:
Hey!

We always stay inside the cones!

Cones! (GRUNTING)

Cones! Come on!

(MR. HOLT SIGHING)

Have you been living here

for the last few days, Brad?

No.

Then what's with the blankets

and the hot plate

and the B.O.?

I crapped in the wastebasket.

You know, Brad, two years

into my thing with Charlene,

her first husband showed up.

Oriental fellow.

You can't say that.

You cannot say "Oriental."

His name was Yu or Wu.

It could have been Javier.

Anyway, I get off early one day,

get home, and

there he is, stark naked in our bed.

I didn't know what to think.

Really? You didn't know what to think?

Six months later,

I wake up in a Chinese prison

with a tattoo on my lower back

of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.

I can't hear these stories anymore.

I'm sorry. I know they're

supposed to help...

Griff! What are you doing here?

Thought you should know

Dusty came by the bar earlier.

He was talking about how

he can't do the daddy thing.

I tried to talk some sense into him, but

he seemed determined to get out of town.

What, he's leaving?

I don't think I have to tell you,

but little Megan's dance is tonight,

and she's not going to have a daddy.

That's fantastic. Brad, you win.

And Dusty, because of

an act of cowardice, loses.

I mean, you're the daddy again.

Come on, hit that.

(SIGHS)

No, I'm not her daddy.

I wish more than anything I was,

but I'm not.

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