Daddy's Home Page #12

I do not like him.

Oh, I think she likes him.

Ah, gross, whatever.

She totally does.

Are you calling my daughter a whore?

- What?

- They were implying it, Jerry.

Wait. That's quite a stretch.

Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.

Wait, first of all, which one

of you two is the kid's dad?

They both are.

(GASPS)

Oh, my gosh. Wow!

I'm sorry. That's the first time

he's ever referred to me as Dad.

It's something I've wanted to hear

for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.

I tend to cry a lot

when things get emotional.

They tease me all the time.

- I'm actually the stepdad.

- Oh, is that right?

So you're the real dad, huh!

Hey. You don't want to

embarrass yourself, buddy.

You threatening me now, tough guy?

- He's threatening you, Jerry.

- Nobody's threatening anybody.

But you're gonna want to

back that up, Jerry.

And you, Squidward tie.

Quit being an instigator,

or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.

(YELPS)

Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.

We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.

You stay out of it, all right?

You don't count!

I want to talk to the real dad here.

Hey, Brad here is more of

a real dad than any of us.

You ever want to see how you should be

raising your kids, go look at this guy.

Here I go again. What did I tell you?

- Really? You mean that?

- Yes, I do, Brad.

You're a great dad.

(ALL GASPING)

- Like that?

- You shouldn't have done that.

Yeah? Why?

I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.

He's been rather vague with me,

but that's what I'm kind of surmising.

- Are we gonna do this?

- DUSTY:
Oh, we're gonna do it.

- Okay. You ready?

- DUSTY:
Yeah, I'm ready.

- This is what you get.

- MEGAN:
Daddy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Want another one? Come on in.

What's going on?

Is this like some UFC sh*t?

DUSTY:
Come on, Brad.

That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.

Yeah. So dance, Jerry!

Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!

You just got a piping hot serving.

I'm not getting served.

You're getting served!

You don't know this about me, Jerry,

but I like to move my body.

Get it, Brad!

(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yeah! Yeah, Brad!

This is a dance! Let's go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

Am I the only one with my shirt off?

You know you can't leave, right?

You want me to stay?

These guys are growing up so fast.

You don't want to miss it.

You're sweating profusely.

- I know. I sweat a lot.

- That's cool.

Thank you.

BRAD:
So Dusty did stay.

And with the huge amount of money

he was making as the voice of The Panda,

he built his own new castle

right down the street.

Hey!

But we kept Tumor because he didn't

get along with Dusty's new puppy.

(WHIMPERING)

It turns out Tumor was only five...

- (TUMOR GROWLING)

- ...so we're going to have him

for a long, long time.

- BRAD:
Tumor!

- (DOORBELL RINGING)

And I was more than a little surprised

when Dusty showed up one day

with his new wife

and his new stepdaughter.

This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.

- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.

- Want to go play?

That's your brother and sister.

You guys play nice, okay?

Hey, hon. Who's at the door?

Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.

Oh, is it... Your wife?

SARA:
That Karen, wow, she is so great.

It turns out she's

a doctor and a celebrated

novelist. I mean...

Hon, would you...

- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!

- KAREN:
He's so cute.

SARA:
And I was so surprised when

I found out that we're the same age.

I mean, she looks so young, right?

Good for her!

Honey, you look amazing tonight.

(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?

It's just my normal clothes.

That's how I look.

I just got ready really fast.

Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.

You want to come to Daddy?

What, you think I'm going to

pick his pockets or something?

- BRAD:
No.

- He doesn't carry a wallet.

Oh, sweetie, be careful

with that knife, okay?

You're not my dad.

DUSTY:
Brad was right.

Being a stepdad isn't always easy.

But he was also right that it's worth it.

And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.

It's a great family car.

Got plenty of room for the kids,

gear, and plenty of pickup for me.

I got the Weekender package.

A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,

but Brad doesn't need to know that.

(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)

(GASPS) Daddy!

Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- Did you just gulp?

- No.

I heard a gulp.

DUSTY:
(STAMMERS)

Well, a little bit, maybe.

- BRAD:
Sure.

- There you are.

BRAD:
He's a lot bigger than you.

He's got legs for arms.

Little star, guess what?

I like him. I like him a lot.

Yeah. I bet you he's

going to like us, too.

- BRAD:
Remember, Loving Fence.

- DUSTY:
Yeah.

BRAD:
Just go say hi.

Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.

Hey. You must be Roger.

Nope.

(TUNING RADIO)

DUSTY:
(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

JASON SINCLAIR:
Caught Kenny G.

At the United Center this weekend.

Man, can that guy put on a show.

20,000 people on their feet

for the entire four hours.

You're listening to Jason Sinclair.

This is The Panda.

(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)

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