Daddy's Home Page #2

you have responsibilities.

He doesn't understand that.

Honey, this is actually a good thing.

- (SIGHS)

- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,

and we'll establish some kind

but firm boundaries.

All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad

calls "setting up a Loving Fence."

A Loving Fence?

Wow, that sounds really great, honey.

But your self-help books

have never met Dusty Mayron.

He sounds like a rascal, but I don't

think it's anything I can't handle.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

PANDA SINGER:
Check. Check, check.

Chinese Checkers,

Czech, Czech Republic, pop,

sibilance, sibilance, pop,

one, two, six, seven,

check, check, check, check.

What do you got for me, Brad?

Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully

the new voice of The Panda.

Oh, listen.

I gotta leave early today. I gotta go

pick up my wife's ex at the airport.

Jesus, kid, how'd you

draw that sh*t detail?

Brad, why do you want

this deadbeat in your home?

Well, it's not that I want him in my home,

it's just that the better

stepparenting books

say that the worst thing you can do

for the kids is to push out the biological.

You're in the danger zone here,

Brad, and let me tell you why.

Kids that grow up without their dads

always end up obsessing over them.

Most of the hook-ups

that I've had in my adult life

have been with women

that had daddy issues.

I don't know if this is

an appropriate story.

Look, my wife would kill me

if she knew I was telling you this.

Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.

When I met her in Denver...

You're going to tell

the story, aren't you?

...she was a topless maid.

- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.

- Mmm-hmm.

Never met her father.

But who did she meet? Me.

And who did treat her like sh*t? Me.

I eventually loved her,

but every time she got out of line,

I'd just pull the Humvee over

and ask her to get out politely.

And then I'd drive away.

Guess what?

She showed up at home every time.

This story has no relevance

to my situation.

Oh, it doesn't at all.

It's just a good story.

So, Pete, are we going

to hear this guy, or what?

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

I'm sorry.

Keep it up, Brad.

You and I will fight in the parking lot.

BRAD:
So today is the day I'm finally

meeting the father of my children.

Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.

But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)

And here's the thing.

I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...

...they see through things and,

at the end of the day,

they know who's been around...

Holy balls!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I hope that's not him.

(GULPING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

There is no doubt this man

is your better in every way.

Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.

Yeah, I feel pretty good.

- Hey, you Dusty?

- Nope.

What?

Are you sure?

Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(ON RADIO) You've got

Jason Sinclair on The Panda,

the station everybody

in the office can agree on.

What is this?

Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,

do yourself a favor and check out...

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey! Where have you been?

I called you like 100 times.

(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...

This motorcycle, is this...

Yes. He's here.

- He's here?

- Yes.

What's he doing inside there?

He's giving the kids

all kinds of Starbursts.

Starbursts? God damn it!

Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)

I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.

I got a few bullet points I want to

bring up with our friend Dusty,

starting with airport etiquette,

courtesy and expectation.

MEGAN:
Oh, good story, Daddy!

You like that story? It's all true. Hey!

Who wants some more Starbursts and

a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?

So you are Dusty.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I sure am. You must be

the new and improved husband.

Bring it in, big guns.

I already met you at the airport.

No, I don't recall that, friend.

Yeah, I walked right up to you

and asked if you were Dusty.

I'm pretty sure I'd remember

a heavy hitter like yourself.

(SCOFFS)

Well, must have been my mistake.

All right, that was me at the airport.

- Yeah, I know that.

- The truth is,

I saw you before you saw me,

and I'm thinking,

"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"

"And damn it if he doesn't

look like the real deal."

I mean, look at you.

You figured it out, didn't you?

You cracked the code.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.

Don't play that humble game with me.

He is so humble. He's just too humble.

Honey, you got it goin' on.

Everybody says so.

Yeah, I got it goin' way on.

So you can understand

why I panicked at the airport.

- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.

- It's fine.

Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.

They sure are, man. I mean,

that is insightful.

You know, I thought it was weird Sara

didn't tell me about you before.

I thought, what's she hiding?

And now I know.

A champion.

Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?

Isn't it cool?

BRAD:
It sure is.

What is that, an Indian?

Yep.

I believe they're manufactured

in Minneapolis.

I've never been, but that's the setting

for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

And... What's the other... Rhoda.

Which I want to say was a spin-off.

Damn! You really know

your bikes, Brad. You ride?

Uh-huh. Yeah!

- Really?

- BRAD:
Yeah.

I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,

back in college. I had a, um...

I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.

Yeah.

With the fenders and the...

The broil joint. So...

Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!

Take her out, see what she can do.

She's got a lot of power.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!

No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.

It's way past your bedtime.

Let's brush your teeth.

All right, come on, guys,

listen to your mom. Hey, look...

(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but

it would mean the world to me

if I could tuck in our two little blessings.

Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.

They're your kids. Tuck away.

Oh, thank you for that, Brad.

The King messed up. He messed up bad.

He thought he could just

ride off to slay dragons,

and his Queen would always be

waiting for him.

And then one day the King received word

that his dominion was being ruled over

by some curly-headed Step King

with good credit?

Oh, no!

Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,

and when he arrived,

he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,

remembering their good times together,

for he had known her in her prime,

when she was down for anything,

and I do mean anything.

Psst...

Sounds like your dad's spinning

quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?

Oh, actually, it's getting late.

You two need to get some sack time.

BOTH:
No, we want more story, please!

Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,

but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,

no matter how arbitrary they seem.

All right?

Good night, my little golden treasures.

Good night, my little magical cherubs.

- Here comes some butterfly kisses.

- (GIGGLING)

And some Eskimo kisses.

Good night, buddy.

Sleep tight. Sleep tight.

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