Daddy's Home Page #3

Hey, who wants good-night tickles?

- BOTH:
Me!

- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)

Good night, my little breath of God.

Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.

I almost forgot, my famous

good-night back scratches.

- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.

- (SIGHING)

Good night, sweetie bear.

Hey, who wants twenty bucks?

- BOTH:
I do! Me!

- Twenty dollars?

- What?

- Oh, yeah.

One for you, and one for you.

I don't know if that's appropriate.

Ah, don't worry about it.

BRAD:
Okay. Good night.

So, uh, if you want to, why don't you

come by tomorrow after school?

Might be a good time to...

What about the cold one?

The cold one?

You promised me

a cold one and a handshake.

Cold one. One cold one, coming up.

Great. I'll grab my jacket,

we'll go outside.

Perfect. All right.

Hey! Psst...

What are you doing?

What are you guys buddies now?

No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.

I really should honor

the cold one promise.

(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,

and then you get rid of him, okay?

You put up your Loving Fence,

- remember?

- Mmm-hmm.

- Then you come to bed.

- Okay.

- Will do.

- Okay.

DUSTY:
What you got going on over here?

Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,

bonding project for Dylan and I.

Yeah, we've been at it

for about two months.

DUSTY:
It's looking good.

BRAD:
Thank you.

So, Dusty, how long do you think

you're going to be in town for?

Well, Brad, the truth is,

I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.

Time to get out there and

kick some ass for America.

Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?

Nope.

Oh, so you're a, uh...

Yep.

Yep, what?

(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know

any more than that, Brad.

Okay.

Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should

set up a visitation schedule.

Right? That way, you feel like

you have ample time with the children...

Why don't we cut the sh*t, Brad?

No, we don't have to cut the sh*t.

You want to know what I'm doing here,

why don't you quit looking at

whatever you wrote on your hand?

Be a man and ask me, Brad.

Okay. What are you doing here?

Now, we both know kids need

a single primary male role model.

Sara's made her choice.

I'm man enough to

let that role model be you.

I will vouch for you with my children.

I will give them my sacred

permission to trust you.

To love you and to

call you Dad.

You'd do that for me?

No.

But I will do it for them.

That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?

More than anything in the world.

He played you.

You just got so played out there.

I know it looks that way, 'cause

I promised I would ask him to leave,

and then I invited him to stay for a week,

but he didn't play me.

You know what he did? He cut the sh*t.

- Oh, he did?

- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.

I think more of us could stand

to just cut the sh*t, you know.

- Right.

- In one conversation,

he just blew by

eight chapters in my stepdad book.

I mean, this is gonna be so good

for me and the kids.

Oh, baby, you have no idea

who you're dancing with.

Dusty gets into your head,

- that's what he does.

- (WHIRRING)

(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,

rugged bravado,

there's no question. But I gotta say,

I think in here, there's

a soft, soft creamy center.

You know? I think he feels a lot.

He just... He needs

someone with this, a big ear.

And I got them. Mmm.

Oh, good morning, Dusty.

- Hey.

- You're up and at 'em.

- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)

- Yeah, I got up early

- and did a quick 20.

- Really?

- Twenty minutes of what?

- Oh, twenty miles.

Did a little light sparring,

then I whipped up

a pan of piping-hot

cinnamon rolls for my family.

And I made one for you, too.

Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.

- DUSTY:
Good morning, gang!

- Ooh, it smells yummy!

Our real dad's a super,

super-duper good cook!

- Mmm-hmm.

- Here you go, guys.

Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.

Well, thank you, Brad.

What a nice thing to say.

Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!

In fact, same shape,

same swirl, same frosting.

Now you're starting to embarrass me,

but I do appreciate the compliment.

Good morning, Sar-bear!

- Morning.

- Hey, listen, guys,

Brad and I had a talk last night

about the importance of family.

And now that everyone's here,

I wanted to say a few words, okay?

I think that would be great.

Hey, kids, you know, families can be

ever-growing and changing things.

And sometimes someone new

knocks on the door of your heart

and you're not sure if you

have room in there for one more.

But there's someone here now

that I hope you guys can learn to love.

Okay?

(WHISTLING)

- Come here, boy!

- (GROWLING)

BOTH:
A doggy! Yay!

You brought a dog home?

Yeah. Is that a problem?

I mean, you seemed

really into it while I was teeing it up.

No, I thought you were talking about me.

- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.

- No... (SCOFFS)

Look, last night, when we talked...

Oh, yeah. Well, listen,

that's got to happen organically.

Why can't it happen now?

It just can't.

You're dirty.

SARA:
Dusty, how old is that thing?

I'd guess him to be around 15.

I mean, I found him this morning,

living in a storm drain.

I named him Tumor,

because of how much he grows on you.

BOTH:
Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?

Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.

BOTH:
Please, Brad! Please!

Why is he looking at me like that?

- (GROWLING)

- He's only looking at me.

Maybe we just get a puppy instead?

A puppy, Brad? What are they

going to learn from a puppy?

An old dog like Tumor here's

been out in the world, man. Living free.

Fighting for survival and seeing things

we can only dream of.

Just look at the wisdom

in those cloudy eyes.

Besides, you know what happens

to old dogs at shelters.

He's gonna have to walk the green mile

as soon as he gets there.

No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!

I hate you!

Okay. Okay. Fine.

He can live out his few

remaining weeks with us.

Yay! Thanks, Brad.

I don't hate you anymore.

He's going potty!

SARA:
Oh, my God.

We'll clean it up. We don't mind.

Look at that.

The dog's already

teaching them responsibility.

Hey, guys, when you got to

pick up the potty, use gloves.

- He's definitely got worms in his poo.

- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)

(SIGHS)

SARA:
Dusty!

Can you please move this thing?

I can't get my car out of the garage.

Hey, Brad, do you mind?

I want to grab a quick shower.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

- Hey, honey.

- Hi, sweetie.

It's blocking everything.

No, I know. I know, don't worry.

We're on top of it.

What are you doing? Brad, I don't...

Hey! Stay away from that, please.

(GRUNTS)

Honey, what are you doing?

- (ENGINE REVVING)

- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.

Dusty!

It's vibrating up into my shoulders.

Hey, it's okay, Brad.

Look, she's a lot of bike, man.

No, I'm good. Why don't you go

back in and take that shower,

so you can get a shirt on?

Oh, you got it.

Hey, you look good on that, man.

Remember, one down, four up.

Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes