Daddy's Home Page #4

- (SCREAMING)

- (TIRES SQUEALING)

Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

Did Brad just die?

I think we all need to prepare ourselves

for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?

Brad!

Brad!

- (BRAD GROANING)

- (GASPING)

Oh, my God.

- (COUGHING)

- Brad, are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

I'm in the wall. I'm scared.

Oh, honey.

Jeez, Brad, I thought you said

you could ride.

I can ride, okay.

Would you get a shirt on?

I think if you could ride, you wouldn't

be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.

SARA:

Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.

You almost killed the kids!

DUSTY:
Let's not beat up

on Brad here. Okay?

He was showboating for the kids

a little bit, and things got out of hand.

Let's all just be grateful

nobody got hurt. Okay?

I got hurt!

Okay, kids, listen up.

This is a good lesson

on why you never wanna lie

about your ability to do things

you clearly can't do, okay, huh?

I think my arm is stuck in the wall.

DUSTY:
Brad, just stay still.

I'll get you out.

No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.

And would you please

just go and get a shirt on?

Just calm down, all right?

- (SARA SCREAMING)

- (GROANING)

Hey, I'm really sorry about

what happened to your car.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about

what happened to your bike.

Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.

- Oh, not even one scratch?

- Unbelievable.

(LAUGHS) That's so good.

(ROOF THUDS)

Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!

Just like ice cream!

Morning, Jerry.

Got to keep it inside the cones!

No, Daddy! You're supposed

to stay in the cones!

Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!

- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.

- (SIGHS)

Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?

Thank you, Brad.

Sorry, Doris.

It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing

can be a bit overwhelming

if you're not used to it.

Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper

in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,

Brad, I think I'm good.

(BEEPING)

Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.

Have a great day, okay?

- Bye, Daddy!

- Make sure you do all your work.

Bye, guys. Have the best day.

I love you so...

BRAD:
Here's the exciting thing.

We just opened up in our 68th market,

making The Panda America's

number three smooth jazz station.

Wow.

And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.

Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,

this is more than I expected.

Wow.

I kind of envy you, Brad.

Oh, stop it.

Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,

making a comfortable living,

and the most fantastic woman

in the world loves you dearly.

Really? Thanks for saying that.

I mean it. And that sacrifice

she's making for you... That's true love.

Sacrifice?

Well, sure, Brad.

You know how bad

that girl wants another baby.

She wants another baby?

For her to let that slip away

and marry a man she knew to be barren,

that's true love.

How do you know that I can't...

- Bradley.

- Yes.

Caroline says we're gonna hear some

new voice talent this a.m.?

Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.

Okay. How'd it go

- with the shitbag ex-husband?

- Uh-uh.

You whip his ass with

that Loving Fence of yours?

(LAUGHS)

Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,

because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.

Jesus in the morning.

She was married to him first?

Okay. Let's establish some

ground rules, pretty boy.

- Airborne?

- Huh?

Well, your lapel pin.

101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.

Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.

Are you Airborne?

Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid

I don't share that honor,

but I'm humbled to be in the

presence of anyone who does.

Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.

Very nice to meet you, sir.

Thank you, thank you.

It's good to meet you.

My pleasure. It's an honor.

Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)

That's wonderful.

Come on! No way!

The whole time you're running guns

for the freedom fighters

right under the cartel's noses,

and they never suspected it was you once?

Well, I'm sure they started to suspect

once they were in a ball of fire

the size of four city blocks.

(LAUGHING)

That's great. I love that!

Holy buckets, Brad!

If this guy was my wife's ex,

I'd put a bullet in my skull.

(BOTH LAUGH)

DUSTY:
Come on, Leo, cut it out.

Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.

You're really going to like this guy.

Okay. Ready to listen.

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

All right. Mmm-hmm.

- You like him, Brad?

- I do.

I do. I mean, I think his voice

has a warm dependability

that all Panda listeners could trust.

What do you think, Duster?

(BRAD LAUGHS)

Does Dusty now work for The Panda?

Yeah, Brad's right.

I'm not really into smooth jazz.

I shouldn't comment.

(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.

I'm into smooth jazz.

Of course you are, Brad.

So what do you think, Dusty?

I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.

I think you need a voice with some

virility and hope, that tells listeners,

"Hey! Maybe the next song

won't suck as bad as the last one."

Also, I think a strong ability

to be something like...

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

What...

What just happened?

He sang the tagline.

- Good boy, Tumor!

- (CAR HONKING)

BOTH:
Daddy!

DUSTY:
Hey!

Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.

DUSTY ON RADIO:
One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

- Is that you?

- Yeah!

SARA:
That's you?

Why is that him?

I took him to work, and 15 minutes later

he's the new voice of The Panda.

Hey, you believe that? I record

one take at 9:
30 this morning,

it's already run 11 times.

Do I really get 182 bucks

every time they play that?

Yes. Every time, yes.

Ooh! Money.

You see why I love America

even more than most people do?

Hey. What's this?

Just the handyman

I hired off Angie's List.

He's upstairs fixing the damage.

Your wife had to hire a man? For what?

Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,

some masonry and basic window glazing?

Come on, Brad.

We can bang that out tonight.

Yeah.

It's just basic sheetrock glazing

and, you know, little whatamajigs.

Get up there and

get in there and crank it out.

Dusty is pretty good with his hands.

Pretty good with my hands,

Brad, she knows.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just go

up there and I'll...

- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.

- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. That's okay.

I'll tell him,

- "Guess what, bub?"

- Tell him the men are here.

I'll say that.

I'll say, "The men are here."

- Let's do it.

- I don't want to imply to him

that he's not a man. But I'll just say,

"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?

(HAMMERING)

Oh, hi.

I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.

Nice to meet you, Brad.

I just came up here to say that you...

That, um, you should have good luck.

Thank you for your wishes of luck.

I'll be downstairs.

Well? What happened?

Oh, you know, I think it's...

He already started,

and I just think it feels wrong.

Why? Because he's black?

No. No, no.

Megan! Dylan!

- What are you doing? Huh?

- Teaching moment.

Guys, what would we call Brad

if he treated someone differently

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