Daddy's Home Page #5

just because of the color of their skin?

- (BOTH GASP)

- Brad's being racism?

Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.

- Honey.

- No, I mean... But not on purpose.

Is Brad a Klan person?

No. (LAUGHS)

So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?

Well, yeah, you are.

Yeah, you are.

Sir, you're taking this all wrong.

Right. So you get one look

at the color of my skin,

and all of a sudden you're

Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?

No, not at all. Please, allow me

to pay you for your time and travel.

Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.

(SIGHS)

I'm not a woman.

You did the right thing.

Boy, it doesn't feel that way.

Let's get cracking.

Where do you keep your tools?

I know where Brad keeps his tools.

In the credenza.

- Yeah.

- You keep your tools

- in the credenza, Brad?

- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.

Just easier to get to.

- It's convenient.

- Yeah.

(CLATTERING)

This is a tackle box, Brad.

Are we going fishing?

No. Unless you want to go fishing.

What have you got in here?

A hammer, masking tape,

three C batteries and a tampon.

Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...

Yeah, I know what they're handy for.

So are we not going to fix it?

Well, what do you want from me, Brad?

To buy all the gear we need

would cost more

than just hiring someone

off of Angie's List.

- (GROWLING)

- (GASPS)

And the King, he thought the Step King

seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,

but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.

But the more the King learned about him,

the more he doubted the

Step King's ability to lead.

So the King decided

there was only one way to...

Psst... Hey. Good story?

Yeah. The King finally

came back to his castle.

But the evil Step King

wouldn't give him his crown back.

Oh, okay, yeah.

I think I've heard this story before.

Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.

Well, you know what? It turns out

the Step King wasn't evil at all.

He was a really good guy.

Fun at parties, great conversationalist,

affable. And he saw

that the beautiful Queen

and perfect Prince and Princess

were all alone, and he came

valiantly to their rescue.

Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because

the Step King couldn't give

her an heir to the throne?

Okay, you know what?

Now this is getting personal.

Hey, Brad, come on.

We're just doing fairy tales here.

All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,

just for the record. (STUTTERING)

The Step King was pretty sure

she was totally cool with it.

Yeah, Brad's right.

I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?

Right?

Yeah.

Honey,

what's the matter?

Are you still sad about

Dusty finding your tampon?

No. No, I mean,

this is a little embarrassing,

but it's just, I was...

Is there any chance

you still want another baby?

Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?

He's just trying to get in your head.

So it's not true then?

Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.

But it's not possible,

given what happened to your...

And I'm not blaming them. I love them.

They are my fuzzy little pals.

You don't have to say that.

They are.

I am 100% happy

with the family that I have.

The only reason I'm putting up with him is

because my kids are so happy to see him.

And I want them to have

a relationship with their father.

You know what?

I can't wait to see his face

when he figures out

how much you really do for his kids.

Yeah. I mean, I'm

involved. I'm emotionally available.

Yeah, you are.

You are darn right.

It's high time Dusty sees

how a real dad does it.

I am fired up!

(SIGHS)

Let's get some shut-eye.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Hallelujah!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!

Brad! Look what Dad did!

He finished the treehouse for you!

Hey, hey! B-man!

No, watch out, B!

(BRAD GROANING)

Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.

- You all right?

- (CONTINUES GROANING)

Brad, what do you think, man?

Wow. Pretty cool zipline.

You like that, huh? It's military grade.

You built all this today? With my tools?

Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse

with a tampon, Brad.

No, I had a little bit of help.

Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.

- Thanks, Uncle Griff.

- No problem, buddy.

Uncle Griff?

Dude, I went out for a beer last night,

and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?

We get to talking and we just click.

You know what I mean?

He's a great dude, man. He really is.

I know how you feel about him,

but just give him a chance.

All right? He's having

a tough time at home,

and your firing him sure didn't help.

Well, I fired him because you made me!

- I made you?

- Yeah.

Am I in charge around here now?

Is my name on the mortgage?

Last time I checked,

you were the man of the house,

and me and Griffy were just staying here.

- He's not staying here.

- Because he's black?

No, not because of that.

Look, Griffy helped me

knock this out, all right?

So despite any prejudices

that you may or may not have...

I don't have any prejudices.

I said "may or may not."

- Well, it's may not.

- Well, that's good.

Because that's one of the ones I said.

Hey, kids, come on.

Helmets on the half-pipe.

We got to be safe around here.

Wait, half-pipe?

Look, I know it's taking up

a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make

your house the coolest place

in the neighborhood.

I got a sound system, we got

a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey

from Red Bull over there.

Hey, Corey!

You got a sponsor for my backyard?

Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?

Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!

And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.

I'm gonna dedicate this run

to my future X-Games champs,

Dylan and Megan. This is for you!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLOWS)

Looks like you picked

the wrong leisure activity, buddy.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

- Oh, hey, Sara.

- Hi.

Okay. Who's got next?

BRAD:
I do!

Look!

(ALL GASPING)

Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.

(LAUGHS)

Really adorable.

Brad?

Hey, who'd like to see

how we used to do it

back in the empty pools of Encino,

Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?

Santa Clarita?

Santa Cruz?

Fremont?

Honey, no, please come down.

Oh, I intend to, sister.

Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.

Godspeed.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (GRUNTS)

- ALL:
Whoa!

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

- (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Brad!

Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.

Wait a second.

What do you mean, don't touch him?

He's in trouble.

Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?

But if there's a problem, who

do you want to be in charge?

You?

Okay. All right, guys,

we have an emergency situation.

And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?

- You! Redhead.

- Call 911.

Close. But wrong.

First thing we do is remain calm.

Yeah, that's good advice.

The 911 operator can't understand you

if you're hysterical, okay?

So let's all take a deep breath.

In for ten...

Are you kidding me right now? Help him!

Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.

Now, please, call 911

and relate to the dispatcher

- what happened calmly, okay?

- Okay, yes.

Anybody know what we do next?

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