Daddy's Home Page #6

Check for pulse!

Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.

All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,

right below the ear.

- Good. You feel a heartbeat?

- Uh-uh.

Okay, now that means that

Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?

- You, Jean Jacket!

- Dead?

Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.

He is dead.

All right, so what do we do?

Come on, we're losing him here.

Give him C.P.R.?

Yes! That's my girl.

Come on up here, sweetie.

All right! All right, lock your fingers like

this and press down hard right here.

- (GRUNTING)

- Oh, great job, sweetheart.

Dusty, hurry!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead

and take this one.

Okay? Watch closely now.

If you do your

chest compressions properly,

it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.

(WHIRRING)

(GASPING)

- I got him! I got him!

- (COUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

My dad can bring people

back from the dead!

(GROANING)

Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!

(MUTTERING)

Look, I'm okay, really.

I just got a little jolt.

You got a little killed

is what you got, Brad.

We thought we lost you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just got tired of being

the lame stepdad.

All the kids think he's Superman.

Well, now you know how I felt.

I always had to be the bad guy mom,

giving out the carrots

and the punishments,

and he would breeze in

from God only knows where

and get to be the cool, fun dad.

Honey. Look. (SIGHS)

I'll talk to him, okay?

I'll tell him to get his stuff

and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.

Great.

(TV PLAYING)

Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?

Man, I didn't see that coming at all.

He seemed like he really loved Anna.

MEGAN:
I hate Prince Hans.

Dusty.

- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?

- (CHUCKLES)

Sparky. That's hilarious.

DUSTY:
Brad, have you seen this movie?

It's unbelievable, man.

There's these two sisters,

one of them has ice powers.

Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.

Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.

I can't talk now, Brad.

Just pause the movie!

Can you guys talk out there, please?

Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.

No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.

He won't... Dude, if another song

comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?

Am I supposed to pause my emotions?

Just pause the song, man.

What's up? What's up?

What's going on, Brad?

- This shouldn't take long.

- Okay, good.

Listen, um, I just think

that you're being here...

Yeah. No problem.

...and now there's Griff here,

it's presenting some obstacles...

(SOBBING)

Stupid helmet!

Honey, what happened?

They pushed me off my bike again!

- I'm so sick of it!

- (CLATTERING)

I want them dead, Brad. All right?

I want their parents dead.

And if they don't have parents, I want

their primary caregivers dead.

Do you understand me?

- Okay, okay.

- He's okay.

Megan's upstairs playing with him.

I am so pissed about this.

Was it the fourth graders again?

Fourth graders?

What, you knew about this, Brad?

Yeah. Dylan asked to speak

specifically to me about it.

- Really?

- So, we role-played

some conflict resolution dialogue.

Are you being serious right now, Brad?

What you need to be teaching him

is some ass-beating resolution.

Damn straight. You got to

make a statement. Set a tone.

It's kind of a family matter over here.

No, Dusty and Griff are right.

Those little punks need

their butts whooped.

Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?

Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)

Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.

Guys, I know we're upset right now,

but here's the thing.

Violence never solved anything.

Hey, check your history books, buddy.

Almost everything is solved by violence.

There are better ways.

Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.

- Name one?

- Name one!

- What do you mean, name one?

- You said you could

solve problems with

things other than fighting.

- What are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

Well, you said you knew!

You act like you knew!

- Fine, yes!

- What?

Dancing! Dancing.

Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?

It's very popular in youth culture

to resolve conflict through dancing.

They step up to each other and get served

by crunking, or popping and locking.

They call each other out, they take turns,

and it is no less intense

than a classic street brawl.

But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.

And it's a great aerobic workout.

He's flailing a bit,

but he has a good point.

There's a rich history

of dance battles in film.

- You got Breakin' 1...

- I didn't even think of this.

...Breakin' 2:
Electric Boogaloo.

One of the rare cases

where the sequel was better

- than the original.

- Much better.

You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.

He makes a solid point.

Honey, are you telling us that we

should teach Dylan to dance?

(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that

teaching him to fight isn't the answer.

Okay, but maybe teaching him

to fight back isn't so bad?

BRAD:
Okay.

There we go. Perfect.

That's good, right there.

Yeah. A lot of protection.

All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?

- I guess.

- Oh, you're ready.

Brad, Griff. You guys be

the fourth graders.

- I'll be Dylan.

- Okay.

All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you

want to do is call out the biggest one.

Hey! What's the matter?

You too much of a p*ssy to take me on

without your little b*tches to back you up?

Wow. Okay, yes.

That cut right through me, there.

I'm filled with inner shame right now.

Saying to myself,

"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving

"100% the way I want to."

Right? Is that same page?

No. What the kid's gonna think

is, "Now I can beat your ass

"all on my own." But now

you only got one bully to contend with.

Now bullies always open up

with some shoving first.

- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.

- All right.

(YELPS)

Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?

No. It was really close, though.

See what I did, buddy?

I turned my body just enough

to let his weight bring him in,

then I came right down Broadway.

- I'm not gonna hit you.

- Oh.

- Okay, relax. Okay?

- Mmm-hmm.

- Bam!

- (ALL GASP)

It's called the element of surprise.

Then you start punking his ass!

You want some more of that, b*tch, huh?

You like that, b*tch?

All right. Do we really

need to use that word?

- No.

- Honey, yes.

Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.

You have to make him a b*tch.

It's a fundamental step in

destroying a bully's psyche.

Now stay down, b*tch!

Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!

Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!

Wait! I thought you were in my gang.

Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,

I switched sides.

What do you think happens

out there on the playground, Brad?

All right, now come on, buddy.

It's your turn. All right?

I'll be the fourth grader.

Can I just go inside already, please?

Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.

You can do this.

I said, no! I don't like this stuff.

I'll just stay away from them

from now on. Mom?

Okay, come here, buddy.

- Come on. It's all right.

- Brad.

Help me out here. Come on.

Hey, wait.

Pal, listen...

I know what it's like

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