Daddy's Home Page #7

to be afraid to go to school.

Okay? When I was your age,

this group of older kids

started picking on me.

I ran and I cried

underneath the bleachers.

They bothered me every day,

because they knew

I was too afraid to face them.

Until one day, I'd had enough.

And I socked Jesse Hubbard

right in the nose.

Really? And they left you alone?

Damn right they did.

Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.

Come here, buddy.

Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?

Now, look at me. I want you to punch them

right in the Adam's apple. Okay?

I want you to shatter their throat.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm sorry. Look, I'm having

a pang of guilt right now.

Full disclosure. Some of the elements

of my story weren't exactly true.

Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.

The constant bullying, absolutely,

it all happened, but I, uh...

I've never punched anyone in my life.

I could have told you that.

- Then what did you do?

- Yeah, what did you do?

Well, nothing at all.

In fact, sixth grade was so rough,

I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.

Why the hell would you tell him that?

I pretended to be blind for an entire

school year, just to elicit empathy.

Which was great until

they found me intently watching

an episode of MASH.

In fact, it got so bad,

my parents had to refinance

our house to put me in private school.

Let's just do that.

Can I go to private school, please?

No, Dylan, we can't do that.

Want to know why?

Because ever since that day,

I've always run away from conflict.

In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty

when I was your age, maybe

he could have taught me

how to stand up for myself.

So, wait. You're saying,

if I don't stick up for myself now,

I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?

Um, yes. That is the basic

gist of what I'm saying. Yes.

Okay. Then let's do this.

DUSTY:
Come on, buddy, you got this.

Give me something. Come on.

Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.

You're fast, you're good.

You're a winner. You're a champion.

They got to let you off the leash, baby.

We got a little pit bull here.

That was really nice, you guys. Good job.

It was really fun to watch

the two of you working together

like a couple of great co-dads.

Yeah.

Co-dads. That's...

That's good stuff.

You know what?

In that same spirit of unity,

I want to show my gratitude

for your inviting me

to stay here and share moments like these.

Oh, about that, Dusty.

When I pulled you over there, actually...

No, what you've done here

does not go unnoticed.

And I repay my debts.

Look, Sara, I know how much

you want another child.

I think I can help

put a baby in there for you.

- Oh, my God!

- What are you saying?

- I mean I got a guy.

- Dusty, please! You got a guy?

Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.

He's a buddy of mine.

I trained him for his first Ironman.

All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.

- Dr. Emilio Francisco?

- You've heard of him?

Oh, my God, yeah.

He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.

Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive

endocrinologists in the country.

See? People wait years

to get an appointment with this guy.

Do you really think he would see us?

- Whoa, whoa, hold on.

- I know he would.

If anybody can help you

have a baby, he can.

Mommy's going to have a baby?

Cool! Can we name it Griff?

Oh, thanks, D-man.

Look, you guys,

I don't know if this is a good idea.

What, you don't wanna name your baby

after a black person?

- Is that it?

- No!

You probably want to name it something

really white, like Connor or Gordon.

Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.

No, no, Griff is a lovely name.

I'm just saying,

I don't think it's a good

idea to get our hopes up,

because, in the end,

odds are, I'm going to let you down.

Okay, honey, but what if I promise,

promise, promise not to get my hopes up?

We could just try, right? It can't hurt.

Okay, sure.

But you can't get your hopes up.

No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!

I feel like you've already

gotten your hopes up.

- Where are you going?

- Nowhere!

- You calling your mother?

- No!

Okay, yes, but it's about something else.

It's not about something else.

Damn it, Brad, he set you up.

He used this fancy doctor

to get your wife back on the baby train.

When those test results come back

and prove that you can't give her a baby,

guess who's gonna be waiting

there cocked and loaded?

Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't

need to keep talking about it, okay?

Let me tell you a little story, Brad.

When Jeneane, my fourth, and I

were returning from our honeymoon,

she told me that

she had a 23-year-old kid.

Brazilian boy.

Said she had him real young.

So he moves in with us.

Doesn't speak a lick of English.

There are the usual tensions.

I try to assert my authority.

"Andreas, get your feet

off the furniture."

"Andreas, you're too old

to sleep in bed with Mommy."

"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."

And he'd get mad,

and hit me with a car antenna.

Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.

No. Not really.

So I adopt him,

help him get his citizenship.

The second the papers come through,

guess what happens?

I already know.

Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.

It turns out Andreas

- is her boyfriend, Brad.

- Mmm-hmm.

I did not see it coming.

I actually did, about one,

two words into your story.

The moral of this fable is,

it's good to know when you're beaten.

- You know I think the world of you, Brad.

- Thank you.

But if I'm being completely honest,

even I'm rooting for Dusty.

He's just so damn likeable.

You know, it's getting kind of late.

Shouldn't we just get back to work?

Okay, you win.

So where are we on The Panda Jam

numbers for next summer?

London, you still on the conference call?

Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!

- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?

- (EXCLAIMING)

You look great, man. You still

rocking those Ironmans, huh?

Yeah, bro.

I just finished Brazil in 11:40.

- That's unbelievable.

- Yeah. Well, come on.

Ain't nothing on you, man.

Hey, my first race,

I'm limping across the finish line

when this bastard laps me.

I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,

then decides to go around again?

Who does that?

It sounds exhausting.

Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.

Hi. (LAUGHS)

Dusty, you were not lying

about this one. Very nice.

And you weren't lying

about this one either.

You must be Chief Glowing Sack.

What? (LAUGHS)

Hey, come on,

I'm just lighting you up, man.

Come on, little hug.

Okay, come on back, y'all.

Let's take a look.

All right. So let's run it down.

I think we can safely say that your issue

has nothing to do with X-rays.

You know what, sweetheart, come here.

Let's see that pretty little hand.

Okay. Now put it right in here.

- Oh!

- Okay, you feel that?

- Yeah.

- Okay, that is not how you want

testicles to be shaped.

Really? It feels like all the other...

Hi.

Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?

Limits potency.

You want them to...

You know what? Actually...

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